Last night I saw Transformers 3. I apologise for my money contributing to the fact that there will be a fourth film in this series. I really do. You all know how I have no taste, right, so it takes a lot for me to say this, but this is the single dumbest, oddest film I have ever seen. There is no plot. None at all. There's not even an attempt at one. Okay there's the moon and something with robots from space, but when a film doesn't even make a cursory effort to link scenes together or follow up on any plot points, then you can safely say that it is a melange of plotlessness never before seen in a 200 million dollar Hollywood venture. This film has been deplotted to an extent rarely seen outside films where some guy making balloons wanders in and out of scenes asking 'Where is the cheese? I must have cheese for my moustache!' all while water drips in the background in tune to Beethoven's Eroica.
It's like surrealist cinema with explosions. And rather creepy robots, who appear to have a rather sexualised interest in the The Girl. I can't remember her name, but it doesn't matter because her sole talent was keeping her jacket spotlessly white in the midst of Chicago being blown up and falling through buildings. And shrieking really loudly. REALLY LOUDLY. As for her acting...well, I never thought I'd say this, but I spent the entire time longing for Megan Fox to appear and shove her down a well. I should learn the actress' name so I can be sure to avoid any film in which she appears in the future. (ETA: And The Girl was also about the worst human being ever. No, really. She was worse than ( cut for spoiler, but honestly I'd be doing you a favour by spoiling you. And I'm not sure you can spoil a film that has no plot )
As for the rest, well, the film's major issue is that it takes a remarkably long time for them to start blowing things up. This is not good, because it gives you time to think (thinking which your brain tries to short-circuit as a survival mechanism). And thinking leads to you wondering why X scene has suddenly morphed into Y scene with absolutely no explanation of how you got from one to another. Or why there are no girl autobots or evil bots. Which, come to think of it, might explain the creepy interest in the girl. (And why do robots need gender anyway? And why do they have eyes and not some other sensor thingy? And where did all those people appear from? And why are they now in Africa? And....)*
The good part of the experience was that the film blanked out for a bit in the middle, so although they got it going again, I got a voucher for a free film.
ETA: You know how some people talk about how they'd give almost anything to talk to Socrates, or Buddha, or Issac Newton, or some other great thinker? I would honestly give up the chance to speak to any of these people (including Cicero) just to talk to Michael Bay about what the fuck this film was about.
*Brain runs off screaming