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It is clear from the opening credits that this will be a film with unattractive, unshiny, unoiled men in very short tunics.

And whether they want it or not: I am dedicating this as a birthday picspam to [livejournal.com profile] kalliopeia, [livejournal.com profile] lezopez (belated though it is) and [livejournal.com profile] caerbannog



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Here are the Ten Gladiators in the arena, but I am getting ahead of myself here as they don't do arenaish things until very late in the film

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Mostly in the start they just hang around in forests looking for excitement

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And laughing merrily with their One Woman. I couldn't get over the fact that this particular gladiator was called Roger. Roger, I tell you! Not even Rogerus.

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After this bit of affecting forest life there were thrills involving some Roman soldiers. Clearly they had heard of this pack of challengers for 'Rome's shortest tunic' and were having none of it

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But everyone had forgotten about the challenge presented by Glaucus, imperial friend and a man who specialized in wearing skimpy clothing

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This is Glaucus as imperial friend.

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Possibly because of the short clothing. Or maybe Nero had a bundle on him to win the competition and wanted to keep him close to make sure he was up to form

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Tigellinus, Nero's evil henchman, also made a strong showing

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Roger, however, is not at all impressed

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At some point the Ten Gladiators (and One Woman) get flung into jail.

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They use this as a valuable opportunity to practice flaunting their tunics

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And also laughing merrily and flinging back their heads. These were key areas of Roman life

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Also they like to make new friends

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They are very careful to put on their specially short outfits to march into the arena. There's a whole subplot about why they are wearing the headgear but I can't be bothered to explain

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Nero approves their sartorial efforts

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As do the assembled people

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Here we have an excellent display of something or other

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In the middle Tigellinus tries to bring everyone's eyes back on his short outfit. Nice try, Tig.

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After some other THRILLING stuff Tigellinus takes all his clothes off in some fevered last minute bid for attention

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As always, he is overshadowed by Glaucus' willingness to expose pretty much everything

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See what I mean?

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You really can't compete against a man who is willing to go this far

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He'll even do a watershow if asked

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Some more merriment. They were a very happy lot. I personally thought that that might be the result of being hit over the head one too many times

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Glaucus occasionally takes time out for a romantic interlude with the Ten Gladiators' One Woman

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Later there is a very exciting combo scene which mixes manly feats, daring rescues, and incredibly short outfits

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They're trying to rescue this senator and some Christians

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This scene was great. The senator, after accepting Jesus, decided he would try to hold off the lions with the symbol of his new god. The lions ate him.

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The tragic consequences of not using the pointy end of the sword on lions

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Tigellinus kills Nero's wife because he's a bastard and Nero told him to. He was impressively loyal

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The evil Romans try and crucify the One Woman. Big mistake!

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Though they don't look it, the Ten Gladiators (now with added Glaucus) are annoyed

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They bring out their secret weapon: emperor-to-be Galba, no slouch in the shortest tunic stakes himself

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The One Woman is rescued and clutches Glaucus's chest

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And Roger. Who is dying and grumpy that Glaucus, though a latecomer to their merry company, got all the action

And all the bad people and some of the good ones die. I was not moved at all. And Glaucus wins the 'Shortest Tunic in Rome' competition for an unprecedented 5th time.



Save yourselves while you can: I have 48 of these things still to view

Date: 2007-09-03 04:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoronassoc.livejournal.com
Oh my god. Why are you watching these?! More to the point, WHY WERE THEY EVER MADE?!

Oh god. I am laughing so hard I may hurt myself.

Date: 2007-09-03 04:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I don't know why I am watching them. All I know is that I have a set with 50 of them and I will end up watching them all. Though I have to pause between films to recover so it will take a long time.

Date: 2007-09-03 04:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoronassoc.livejournal.com
Don't hurt yourself or drink anything that will ruin your computer if you happen to spit on it.

Date: 2007-09-03 04:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sucrelefey.livejournal.com
You are a sick puppy!
More please.

Date: 2007-09-03 04:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
The sick ones are the people who made this. They came up with the tunics, not I!!! :)

Date: 2007-09-03 04:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sucrelefey.livejournal.com
Yet you are the one watching them, willingly.
Sword & Sandal Snark Sundays.

Date: 2007-09-03 04:08 am (UTC)
morwen_peredhil: (elizabeth hands over face - by icon_byn)
From: [personal profile] morwen_peredhil
ROGER? Seriously?

Love the extremely authentic 1960s Roman hairstyle sported by the One Woman.

Date: 2007-09-03 04:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Yes, Roger. I kept thinking I must have misheard it but they said it over and over again.

I loved the One Woman. Nothing she did or said made any sense but then neither did anything else in the film.

Date: 2007-09-03 04:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lage-nom-ai.livejournal.com
ROGER.
Heeee!

Ok, I think I missed it. Are you torturing yourself out of a dare, or for some research?

Date: 2007-09-03 04:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I have no idea why I'm watching these things. I got a cheap set of 50 of them and now I feel compelled to watch every single. one. of. them.

Date: 2007-09-03 04:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] particle-person.livejournal.com
You want me to piss my pants? That was NOT NICE. God, I'm still trying to catch my breath.

Date: 2007-09-03 04:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
If you want to really suffer try watching those tunics in action! I saw far too many shots of Glaucus' underpants to be healthy....

Date: 2007-09-03 04:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sucrelefey.livejournal.com
Underpants? He is not hard core short tunic man then.

Date: 2007-09-03 05:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Thank god! Everything would have been on show pretty much all of the time. It would have then been an entirely different sort of film...

Date: 2007-09-03 05:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sucrelefey.livejournal.com
We could always photoshop those bits out.
So can you inflict this on your students, it's sorta of a learning experience.

Date: 2007-09-03 04:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tinuvielberen.livejournal.com
Ahahahaha!

You know - Roger reminds me of Rocky, of the infamous Horror Picture Show.

Someone needs to photoshop Frank-n-furter into these...

Date: 2007-09-03 05:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
God, you're right... I am a little disturbed now.

Date: 2007-09-03 05:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
*eyes glaze over with undisguised glee*

Oh bless you my friend, for things like this are truly what make life worthwile, in their own utterly bizarre way.

I see they DID get oiled up for at least one scene, though...

Ah, One Woman...I fear her nights were likely very, very busy.

Date: 2007-09-03 05:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I suffered through every moment of this, I'll have you know!!!!

I suspect One Woman was a bit of a tease. She kept cavorting with Roger and then insisting that she was worried about her reputation and then she takes up with Glaucus.

Date: 2007-09-03 05:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
The world is grateful for your suffering.

Ah, a tease...it all makes sense now.

And hey, we all know that the girl falls for the guy who reforms and joins the good guy almost every time...

Date: 2007-09-03 05:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Not to mention the guy with the giant villa. Plus holder of that coveted 'shortest tunic' cup.

Date: 2007-09-03 06:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
Also very important factors.

Date: 2007-09-03 05:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] koalathebear.livejournal.com
Oh my god, such horror! I almost laughed out loud in my office. I have never seen such an unattractive bunch of men ... and those glimpses of buttocks in snug undies is ... horrific :D

That being said, I have much glee that I'm not the only one who derives evil glee from watching bad moofies!!! Thanks for this ;)

Date: 2007-09-03 05:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
What is truly scary is that I am sure there is worse in this pack. Hopefully not much worse, though, because there is only so much I can take.

Date: 2007-09-03 05:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
ps. I always love your bad moofies posts.

Date: 2007-09-03 09:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] astropoet.livejournal.com
Fantastic. I am so glad that you're updating my literary education.

Date: 2007-09-03 05:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
It is my mission to bring Classics to the masses. I like to feel that this sort of thing helps.

Date: 2007-09-03 09:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caerbannog.livejournal.com
Yay for birthday pic spam! Those are hilarious! Actually, I'm kind of speechless. As crazy as those pictures are on their own, I can't imagine how bad they must be to watch in a full length movie. (Also, the ten gladiators and One Woman remind me of the Smurfs and Smurfette for some reason.) I'm assuming the tighty whities are historically accurate?

Date: 2007-09-03 05:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I hope you get to do something fun today.

And everything about this film is 100% accuracy. From the One Woman, to the Annual Shortest Tunic Competition, to the nylon undies. I blame the middle ages for forgetting about underwear forcing people to reinvent it and nylon.

Date: 2007-09-04 03:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caerbannog.livejournal.com
Thanks :) I did have a nice day.

The Middle Ages were dark times, indeed. That's probably the real reason the Empire fell, too many Romans forsaking undies and going commando.

Date: 2007-09-03 06:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alexandral.livejournal.com
Oh tale of unimaginable horror and crimes again fashion! Thank you so much for bringing this to our attention! And for your wit!!!! But HOW THE TIMES CHANGE! I rememeber seeing this long time ago and thinking only of manly goodness!!!

Date: 2007-09-03 07:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I suspect that if I'd seen this when I was a wee child I might have been enthralled. But, sadly, as an adult I just watched horrified. I think there was shrieking at one point.

Date: 2007-09-04 03:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wistfulmemory.livejournal.com
Your commentary for the pictures is the best part about these movies.

Date: 2007-09-05 05:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
What impresses me about them is how every one keeps a straight face no matter how improbable the scenario or the 'script.'

Date: 2007-09-05 11:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wistfulmemory.livejournal.com
Now that takes talent.

Date: 2007-09-04 05:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misscam.livejournal.com
*stares*

*stares some more*

Now I got a Blackadder joke stuck in my head.

Date: 2007-09-05 05:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I think staring, stunned silence, followed by a shrinking backwards and turning the tv off is probably the best reaction to these. Though I have high hopes of the next one I plan on watching which is about Romulus and the Sabine Women. Good stuff.

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