lesbiassparrow: (Default)
[personal profile] lesbiassparrow
I feel very strongly that you should know two things before wading through this picspam
a) I couldn't finish the film. Because I take my duties as a purveyor of rubbish classical movies seriously I did watch the ending, but much of the middle is a total blank. This is probably the only way I saved my sanity
b) I really hated Romulus and all the hideously ugly Romans after about 15 minutes viewing

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Why, yes, it's that Roger Moore.



Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
I am terribly impressed that there actually is an entire association dedicated to dubbing these wonders of the cinema

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
So here's the Sabine king. For some reason he seems to have picked up Moses along the way. Well, all roads did lead to Rome at one point; maybe earlier they led to the Sabines?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
A Vestal Virgin. The moment I saw her and her and her blonde tresses I knew she was destined for Romulus. Even if he did have a stint with a Phoenician hussy.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Here is our first glimpse of early Rome. If you think it looks crap then you're right. Mind you, this is as nothing compared to the horrors that lie in store when viewing Roman manhood

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
So, right, the early Romans they were a hirsute lot. They also basically dressed in the bits of sheep other cultures abandoned. Thrifty, you might say

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
This guy is even thriftier. He is telling a new comer that fabric is all very well, but you can't beat a nice bit of sheepskin that a tramp has thrown away

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Because I want to haunt your dreams here's a close up of Roman manhood. There'll be more so you might want to cover your eyes

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Pretty much our first shot of their king, Romulus. You may remember his direct ancestor, Glaucus, from the search for the shortest tunic in Rome. I hated Romulus on sight. I think it was the combo of his classical sleaze and the accent and the whole Roger Moore thing

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Numa! Oh Numa, you may be horribly unattractive, but god bless you for covering up

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
As you can see from this the other Romans resented covering up any part of their flabby flesh

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Sometimes to impress visitors they'd bring out their two almost fully dressed citizens

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
And then Romulus would flash them after pretending to give a 'public audience.' Very few people paid a second visit to Rome

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Yes, these were the people who later conquered the known world. Not unnaturally for a bachelor and woman free nation they spend a LOT of time obsessing about women and sex

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
One day a Phoenician boat sails up to Rome. Which (unless you are Esther Williams in Jupiter's Darling) is a wee bit of a hike from the sea

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Yay! Go the flabby Romans, maybe they have women. And other things we can steal

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Romulus plans to take it all for himself. Especially any women

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
For some reason that is not fully explained the boat sinks. It should have been more exciting than it was but that was true of so much in this film

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Of course there was a woman. Granted she seemed to have wandered from the year 2000 BC but you can't have everything

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
This guy certainly wasn't put off. I cannot tell you how creepy it was to watch all these sex-starved Roman men run after this woman

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Of course, Romulus gets there first. So much phallic imagery in this scene and so little time to comment

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Need I mention that Romulus and random Phoenician woman have it off?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
There being only one woman and Romulus not being willing to tell anyone about her the Three Stooges Roman ambassadors are sent to the Sabines to see if they have any blind women who won't mind being married to the ugliest race in the universe

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Actually, there aren't any women that blind

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Even the oldest virgin in town is having none of it

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
But the film insisted to me that women like these (and of course they like to hang around in water feeding each other grapes) would eventually think the Romans weren't so bad

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
This was the best looking Roman. Doesn't that fill you with utter horror?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
'Oh yes,' says Romulus in a random interlude with Phoenician lady 'I am a mighty king. Want to see the sword of Mars? Venus never said no.'

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
I apologize for once more pressing flabby Roman manhood on you.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Here they are all demanding to go to war with the Sabines for not giving them any women. These are the tragic consequences of no mirrors in antiquity. If only they'd seen themselves they'd know they should never breed

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
A particularly hideous Roman asks why they don't just all feck off to new places where there are women

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Another hideous Roman points out that they could probably also get good clothing there

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
But Romulus reminds them that he invented Uggs and they are bound to bring the Mediterranean to its knees once they have cornered the ugly footwear market

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
The Sabines are highly entertained by tugs of war. They were a simple people before the Romans wiped them off the map

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Romulus thinks about how nice this place will look as his summer palace

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
The early Romans were so poor that they had to paint their own armour. I like the silver bit gamely trying to look all warlike and not pathetic

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Random Sabine guy whose sister has been abducted by the Romans can't believe they were beaten by people with painted cloth for armour

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Then for some reason Mars the god makes a completely odd appearance

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
And the Sabine women get together with the Romans

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
And the Blonde (ex)Vestal runs off with Romulus to live in the mountains. I bet she regretted that one

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
One more shot of Romulus to scar you for life


Date: 2007-09-08 04:34 am (UTC)
morwen_peredhil: (elizabeth hands over face - by icon_byn)
From: [personal profile] morwen_peredhil
pressing flabby Roman manhood on you

AAAAAAGHHH! GET IT OFF ME!

Date: 2007-09-08 04:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
There's no stopping them! Next thing they're invading your country and making you build roads.

Date: 2007-09-08 04:46 am (UTC)
morwen_peredhil: (elizabeth hands over face - by icon_byn)
From: [personal profile] morwen_peredhil
Building roads I could deal with, but marriage is out of the question!

Date: 2007-09-08 04:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
That's what the Sabine women said and next thing they were all laughing girlishly and having babies with ugly Roman men. The only protection is CONSTANT VIGILANCE.

Date: 2007-09-08 04:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] calixa.livejournal.com
... *can't... look... away*

The... uggs...

This is particularly terrifying.

Date: 2007-09-08 04:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
There are no words for how absolutely I felt this film would give people absolute nightmares about Rome. The uggs were the final touch that pushed me over the edge.

Date: 2007-09-08 05:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] calixa.livejournal.com
At least it wasn't crocs...

Date: 2007-09-08 05:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
But then I would have been impressed by the Romans mad skillz in inventing plastics. This way I was just traumatized.

Date: 2007-09-08 04:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lage-nom-ai.livejournal.com
You know, that sixth picture from the top looks eerily like it might've inspired Bjork's infamous swan dress.

Date: 2007-09-08 04:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
OMG, You are right. But at least she was attractive. This guy should have really gone around with his head in a bag. Like the rest of the Romans.

Date: 2007-09-08 04:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
In the one pic you posted twice...HIS MOOBIES HAVE WRINKLES!

I can use this to scar people for life.

Someone enjoyed applying superglue to the phoenecian woman's chest...it's the only explanation for how she didn't flash everyone.

How did Romulus go from her to the ex-Vestal? You skipped such a valuable plot point...

I shall now go watch handsome and cute(both separately and in combination) chinese men look very, very good kicking butt and being adorable puppies when it comes to their love lives to cleanse my brain.

Date: 2007-09-08 04:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I am trying to cleanse my brain by watching kdramas but it's NOT WORKING. I think Romulus and the Sabines has broken my brain.

Date: 2007-09-08 04:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
Watch Fantasy Couple. He is a hunky hunk of manhood and the series understands its duty to provide fanservice. And it's a lovely comedy from the same people as My Girl.

Date: 2007-09-08 04:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Sadly it wasn't in the pile I just had delivered. But I need to start ordering wuxia. Where do you suggest I purchase from?

Date: 2007-09-08 05:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
Only place I've found the official sets decently priced is ebay:

http://stores.ebay.com/Anit-Accessories_Asian-Drama-DVD_English-Sub-Drama_W0QQcolZ4QQdirZ1QQfsubZ3658991QQftidZ2QQtZkm

http://stores.ebay.com/Bizzy-DVD-STORE

Pretty much ebay or DLs or crunchy roll is the only way to get them w/ subs, though I think a couple are at amazon(well...there's yesasia...but it costs more)

So, what WAS in the pile you had delivered.

Date: 2007-09-08 05:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Oh, so many thanks! Once I get the back pay I plan on buying some!

I got a lot of terribly melodramatic kdramas - Stained Glass, Winter Sonata, Autumn Tale and god knows what else. So much lovely melodrama! So many attractive people falling in love with stepsisters and their ilk.

Date: 2007-09-08 05:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
from what they have, i rec: little fairy(the flying carpet death) sword stained with royal blood, young warriors, strange tales of liao zhai(6 wuxias for the price of one...) and purely for melodrama, the new return of the conder heroes.

i...have none of those on my "check out some day" list...

Date: 2007-09-08 05:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
i...have none of those on my "check out some day" list...

So few people do.

Date: 2007-09-08 05:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
We lack the strength to survive the pure, crushing pain that you endure for us all.

Date: 2007-09-08 05:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
It is a hard cross to bear but I manage it. I am surviving Stained Glass by the amazing goodlookingness of the two male leads.

Date: 2007-09-08 05:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
I believe it is your duty to post evidence of this, especially after the scarring.

Date: 2007-09-08 05:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nutmeg3.livejournal.com
Did you notice that the Romans also invented bath mats, except they were so stupid that they wore them instead of putting them properly on the floor? And some of them wore their skirty things up by their nipples, just like little old men with their pants up under their chins. I do like getting a sense of the history of fashion, don't you?

Date: 2007-09-08 05:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Not only did they invent bath mats they invented those things that people like to put around the bottom and tops of loos. Before anyone ever invented the flush toilet. This lack of a loo was why (being a thrifty) people they decided to wear the things.

Date: 2007-09-08 12:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nutmeg3.livejournal.com
And it's this vast knowledge of history that makes you the guru and me but a humble supplicant.

Date: 2007-09-08 05:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cdeacon.livejournal.com
This is truly one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time. Also, horrible. HORRIBLE. But extremely hilarious.

Date: 2007-09-08 05:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
The Romans: bringing lolz to the world while simultaneously traumatizing people for thousands of years.

Date: 2007-09-08 06:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovinlorne.livejournal.com
The frown line on Mars defies description. I have never seen anything like it before. Not even in any photos of the planet.

Date: 2007-09-08 05:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
So much about Mars was of the wtf category, including why they shoved him in the film in the first place. But there he was, occupying Romulus' fevered dreams in hideous fashion....

Date: 2007-09-08 06:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tinuvielberen.livejournal.com
I am deeply disturbed by this.

Also - the Uggs line had me in stitches. Hee!

Date: 2007-09-08 05:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I am deeply disturbed by this.

This is the only right thinking response to this film. I am convinced of that.

Date: 2007-09-08 08:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] astropoet.livejournal.com
*dies laffing*

I bet Roger Moore lives in dread of the words "sabine women"

Date: 2007-09-08 05:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
It wasn't even his first film! I am guessing that he was particularly broke at the time. Or maybe he liked running around in painted armour...

Date: 2007-09-08 09:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] scottishlass.livejournal.com
Woah, am I glad to have been born in a part of Europe that defied the invasion of flabby Roman manhood entirely ... to even contemplate that one of those might be an ancestor ... HORRIBLE!!

>:D

Date: 2007-09-08 05:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I hope that at some point this lot all died of plague and the Sabine women seized their chance and imported some good-looking men from elsewhere. Otherwise the future of Roman manhood is grim. Very grim.

Date: 2007-09-08 02:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jonquil.livejournal.com
ROME MADE ME A DYKE.

Date: 2007-09-08 05:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
And blind. Don't forget blind after seeing that lot.

Date: 2007-09-08 04:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] particle-person.livejournal.com
This is all very well, but I'm getting tired of seeing only the One or Two women. Can the next movie be set in Lesbos?

Date: 2007-09-08 05:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I think that women apparently have the sense to run like mad when someone suggests films like these. And at least this was better than The Ten Gladiators where apparently there was only one woman in Rome. Or one woman per ten gladiators.

Profile

lesbiassparrow: (Default)
lesbiassparrow

August 2011

S M T W T F S
 1 23456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031   

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 22nd, 2017 06:50 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios