lesbiassparrow: (Default)
[personal profile] lesbiassparrow
I feel very strongly that you should know two things before wading through this picspam
a) I couldn't finish the film. Because I take my duties as a purveyor of rubbish classical movies seriously I did watch the ending, but much of the middle is a total blank. This is probably the only way I saved my sanity
b) I really hated Romulus and all the hideously ugly Romans after about 15 minutes viewing

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Why, yes, it's that Roger Moore.



Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
I am terribly impressed that there actually is an entire association dedicated to dubbing these wonders of the cinema

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
So here's the Sabine king. For some reason he seems to have picked up Moses along the way. Well, all roads did lead to Rome at one point; maybe earlier they led to the Sabines?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
A Vestal Virgin. The moment I saw her and her and her blonde tresses I knew she was destined for Romulus. Even if he did have a stint with a Phoenician hussy.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Here is our first glimpse of early Rome. If you think it looks crap then you're right. Mind you, this is as nothing compared to the horrors that lie in store when viewing Roman manhood

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
So, right, the early Romans they were a hirsute lot. They also basically dressed in the bits of sheep other cultures abandoned. Thrifty, you might say

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
This guy is even thriftier. He is telling a new comer that fabric is all very well, but you can't beat a nice bit of sheepskin that a tramp has thrown away

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Because I want to haunt your dreams here's a close up of Roman manhood. There'll be more so you might want to cover your eyes

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Pretty much our first shot of their king, Romulus. You may remember his direct ancestor, Glaucus, from the search for the shortest tunic in Rome. I hated Romulus on sight. I think it was the combo of his classical sleaze and the accent and the whole Roger Moore thing

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Numa! Oh Numa, you may be horribly unattractive, but god bless you for covering up

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
As you can see from this the other Romans resented covering up any part of their flabby flesh

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Sometimes to impress visitors they'd bring out their two almost fully dressed citizens

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
And then Romulus would flash them after pretending to give a 'public audience.' Very few people paid a second visit to Rome

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Yes, these were the people who later conquered the known world. Not unnaturally for a bachelor and woman free nation they spend a LOT of time obsessing about women and sex

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
One day a Phoenician boat sails up to Rome. Which (unless you are Esther Williams in Jupiter's Darling) is a wee bit of a hike from the sea

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Yay! Go the flabby Romans, maybe they have women. And other things we can steal

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Romulus plans to take it all for himself. Especially any women

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
For some reason that is not fully explained the boat sinks. It should have been more exciting than it was but that was true of so much in this film

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Of course there was a woman. Granted she seemed to have wandered from the year 2000 BC but you can't have everything

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
This guy certainly wasn't put off. I cannot tell you how creepy it was to watch all these sex-starved Roman men run after this woman

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Of course, Romulus gets there first. So much phallic imagery in this scene and so little time to comment

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Need I mention that Romulus and random Phoenician woman have it off?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
There being only one woman and Romulus not being willing to tell anyone about her the Three Stooges Roman ambassadors are sent to the Sabines to see if they have any blind women who won't mind being married to the ugliest race in the universe

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Actually, there aren't any women that blind

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Even the oldest virgin in town is having none of it

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
But the film insisted to me that women like these (and of course they like to hang around in water feeding each other grapes) would eventually think the Romans weren't so bad

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
This was the best looking Roman. Doesn't that fill you with utter horror?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
'Oh yes,' says Romulus in a random interlude with Phoenician lady 'I am a mighty king. Want to see the sword of Mars? Venus never said no.'

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
I apologize for once more pressing flabby Roman manhood on you.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Here they are all demanding to go to war with the Sabines for not giving them any women. These are the tragic consequences of no mirrors in antiquity. If only they'd seen themselves they'd know they should never breed

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
A particularly hideous Roman asks why they don't just all feck off to new places where there are women

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Another hideous Roman points out that they could probably also get good clothing there

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
But Romulus reminds them that he invented Uggs and they are bound to bring the Mediterranean to its knees once they have cornered the ugly footwear market

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
The Sabines are highly entertained by tugs of war. They were a simple people before the Romans wiped them off the map

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Romulus thinks about how nice this place will look as his summer palace

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
The early Romans were so poor that they had to paint their own armour. I like the silver bit gamely trying to look all warlike and not pathetic

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Random Sabine guy whose sister has been abducted by the Romans can't believe they were beaten by people with painted cloth for armour

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Then for some reason Mars the god makes a completely odd appearance

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
And the Sabine women get together with the Romans

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
And the Blonde (ex)Vestal runs off with Romulus to live in the mountains. I bet she regretted that one

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
One more shot of Romulus to scar you for life


From:
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
User
Account name:
Password:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
Subject:
HTML doesn't work in the subject.

Message:

 
Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.

Profile

lesbiassparrow: (Default)
lesbiassparrow

August 2011

S M T W T F S
 1 23456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031   

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 20th, 2017 02:00 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios