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While 'researching'* for this I discovered the horrible and tragic affliction that affects so many men of the paranormal world: headlessness. And leglessness. For all that they get around a good deal and bed many lusty wenches. (Only, sadly, the books don't call them lusty wenches, instead they prefer horrific terms like 'lifemates' and 'bonded females.' I think I'd rather be called a lusty wench myself.) And, no, I have no idea why this guy is half blue. I suspect it has something to do with sex. And possibly the plague.

* And by research I mean I clicked through as many book covers as I could take. Which wasn't that many, but Amazon is now convinced that I only read either Latin texts or books about sex-mad vampires.


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Ah, the joys of the tasteful sexual politics of these novels. In this one, a guy who I assume is part leopard or else just far too fond of exotic tattoos to be allowed outside on his own, decides the forest in the middle of a fire is clearly the place where loved ones will be found and possessed. Well done, there.

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Mr. Keeper of the Flame besides being cursed with the worst dye job in the history of humanity was also given giant nipples by an evil witch. The inhumanity of it all! Can Ellora and her cave cure him? Can they quench the flame that grows from his crotch? They can and they will!

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The accidental vampire also had an accidental encounter with a guillotine. Tragic! And yet he overcomes it well. I admire a tryer, I do. I also think 'An Argeneau novel' adds a certain desperate attempt at classiness that I appreciate very much.

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No phallic allusions, here, nope: none at all. I also like that although he can clearly not afford clothes he still manages to had a nice belt and armlet thing.

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I think it is impressive how open the paranormal romance scene is to all sorts of love. In this gripping and revolutionary novel the author tells us of Siamese twins who cannot help but love each other in a cold and forgiving world. In case you want to know, Gideon is the close-minded wanker who comes between them.

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Beyond the highland mist there is a Scotland so warm that you won't die of the cold if you leap around with a naked torso and only a kilt wrapped around your manly loins. Plus, if you fondle the right woman a horse will grow out of your head. Very handy and actually how my clan made all its money. Before the English crushed them and took their lands, that is.

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God, this one terrifies me. Is that a religious experience, an orgasm or just an urgent need to go to the bathroom that is crossing his face? What the hell is the Golden Gate Bridge doing there? What is 'Dragon heat'? I do not want to know the answers to any of these questions, by the way.

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Okay, don't try and convince me that this is erotic at all. If a guy with that tattoo and a pet eagle brooded creepily outside my house I'd be calling the police.

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But at least he's sexier than this greasy haired guy standing outside in a lightning storm. I think Darwin's law may take care of him soon enough, though.

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The undead next door clearly hasn't updated his look for the past 30? 40? years. But the bat shadow is a nifty trick. He uses it to con five year olds out of their lunch money. Yeah, he's that sort of vampire.

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Ah, Dark Desire. A terrifying narrative of the heroine finding out about her boyfriend's freakish collection of cherubs. And his dark, dark desire for their plump, stone bodies.

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Sadly, his boss the 'Dark prince' has a fetish for candles. And their gorgeous, phallic flames. It's the way they waver and dart seductively in the room like sexy will o'the wisps. Oh, yeah. But see how open the paranormal scene is to all sorts of love? See? Now, aren't you ashamed of your small-mindedness? Well, you should be.

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Vampires are forever, indeed. Which means there's always time for a little sniffing of the chest just to make sure he's remembered to wash (they didn't have bathrooms in his day, after all. Now, now, don't be judgmental!). Note the subtle 'yeah, babyyyyy, I'm a vampire,' bat tattoo. And I always love it when my loves fall asleep on top of my head.

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Part man, part wolf, he lives for the night. And for clothes and a wee bit of chest hair to call his own. Wouldn't you think a wolf man would be, well, hairier?

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Cruelly dressed by her evil guardian in jeans so tight she needs a knife to get out of them, all she wanted was a full length shirt to call her own. What she got was a vampire who liked to lounge in hallways and be generally useless. So she killed him. Thus began the legend of the vampire huntresses.

Date: 2008-02-19 09:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] baleanoptera.livejournal.com
LOL! "The Keeper of the Flame" is the scariest one I think, though it looks more like a pasted-on-wig than a dye job.

If a guy with that tattoo and a pet eagle brooded creepily outside my house I'd be calling the police.

I feel this is good advice in any situation - paranormal romances or not. Hee.

Date: 2008-02-19 03:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoron67.livejournal.com
He looks like a muscled-up Nelson.

Date: 2008-02-19 08:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Paranormal romances seem to suggest that if a creepy guy shows up and lurks for a bit around your house then he must be your one true love. I find this a bit unnerving.

Date: 2008-02-19 09:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] raincitygirl.livejournal.com
Hysterically funny!!!

Date: 2008-02-19 08:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Glad you enjoyed. There was a terrifying large number of novels to choose from.

Date: 2008-02-19 10:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] astropoet.livejournal.com
You made me cough with all the laffing.

The Scottish one? "Aye right!" As we'd say.

I'm going to pimp this in my journal because of it's excellentness.

Date: 2008-02-19 08:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
In Scotland of the undetermined past no man worth his salt wore a shirt. They were that tough. Or possibly this was a way to cull the population.

Date: 2008-02-19 08:34 pm (UTC)
morwen_peredhil: (beatrice/benedick kiss - by funkeh_smoo)
From: [personal profile] morwen_peredhil
Perhaps the great expanses of pasty white skin blinded the eyes of the foemen. (The cover model looks suspiciously tanned for a Scot.)

Date: 2008-02-19 08:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
The Scots were such an advanced people they invented the sun bed in the year 1201. TRUEFAX.

Date: 2008-02-19 10:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] astropoet.livejournal.com
Are you Scottish? I thought you wis Eyrish?

Date: 2008-02-19 10:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
My family way back when were Scottish. We came over apparently to fight for the O'Neills. Clearly we were not good at choosing the winning side...

Date: 2008-02-19 10:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] astropoet.livejournal.com
I agree. Scots men come in two colours. Blinding white and peeling red.

*butts in*

Date: 2008-02-20 01:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] celestialwillow.livejournal.com
Watch it you! ;)

I'm expecting you to show me many examples of fine Scottish manhood this year on our trip. Rocks and Scots, it'll be SO good. :D

Re: *butts in*

Date: 2008-02-20 01:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] astropoet.livejournal.com
I think you'll be sadly disappointed hen. The rocks will be good though

Date: 2008-02-19 11:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sapphs.livejournal.com
Sent this way by [livejournal.com profile] astropoet

Lol, this makes me slightly embarrassed to admit that I've read 2 or 3 of those books... :P

Date: 2008-02-19 08:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I haven't read any of these but I've read a few impressively awful ones myself. I find myself fixated by the headless torso shots that seem to be de rigeur for paranormal romances.

Date: 2008-02-19 12:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thekatebeyond.livejournal.com
(here via [livejournal.com profile] astropoet's link)

You deserve a lot of credit for sifting through all these for the amusement of others. Personally, I'm very grateful; it made it worth getting out of bed this early. *grin*

Date: 2008-02-19 08:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I have to admit that there wasn't that much sifting: most of them were found on first try at Amazon. It's a bit terrifying...

Date: 2008-02-19 01:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] seshat-6.livejournal.com
Directed here by Astro who was absolutely right, these are hilarious!! :-D

Date: 2008-02-19 08:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Glad you enjoyed them! :)

Date: 2008-02-19 02:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sloanesomething.livejournal.com
I am laughing so har my coworkers are worried for me.

Date: 2008-02-19 08:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
When I look at the covers I alternate between wondering how many men out there are waxed like that and wondering how on earth most of these are supposed to be alluring.... And then I giggle. Only possible reaction I feel.

Date: 2008-02-19 04:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lage-nom-ai.livejournal.com
AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. This post was hilarious. Almost as hilarious as me imagining the whole Amazon "Lesbiassparrow, based on your recent searches we thought you'd be interested in" and then it gives you 1 Catallus and like 27 Harlequins set in ancient Rome.

Also, it's kind of amazing that DC Comics doesn't try to cash in on the infringement of the Bat Symbol going on in half those covers!

Date: 2008-02-19 08:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Amazon must think I have a split personality. I think last time it suggested some really sleezy vampire romance and a work on ancient rhetoric. I can never let any of my colleagues see my Amazon page.

Date: 2008-02-19 05:05 pm (UTC)
morwen_peredhil: (beatrice/benedick kiss - by funkeh_smoo)
From: [personal profile] morwen_peredhil
Dear hero of Keeper of the Flame,

Donatella Versace called. She wants her hair extensions back.

Sincerely,
Morwen

Date: 2008-02-19 06:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aikakone.livejournal.com
*snickers* You're brilliant! Do you need some extra internets?

Date: 2008-02-19 06:20 pm (UTC)
morwen_peredhil: (beatrice/benedick kiss - by funkeh_smoo)
From: [personal profile] morwen_peredhil
I think he's been stealing Donatella's spray tan, too. :D

Date: 2008-02-19 06:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aikakone.livejournal.com
I think you might be on to something there. So instead of a flame in his hand, it's actually Spray on Tan that's on the cover all around him.

Date: 2008-02-19 08:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Maybe...maybe the novel is about how he's an earlier incarnation of Donatella? Who lost his one true love and has to search for her in, er, the gripping fashion world of San Francisco?????

Date: 2008-02-19 05:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meyerlemon.livejournal.com
In this gripping and revolutionary novel the author tells us of Siamese twins who cannot help but love each other in a cold and forgiving world.

NO. REALLY?

I also loved the one BY THE BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF "CARESSED BY ICE". ????

(HILARIOUS POST.)

Date: 2008-02-19 08:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I like the way that all of them have some sort of completely insane blurb like 'a major new talent!' or 'the sexiest novel since my book about wolfmen doing it!' And all of them appear to be part of series so you know there are more being written about the emo brothers of the lead. HORRORS.

Date: 2008-02-19 06:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aikakone.livejournal.com
Fantastically funny post.

I have the Argeneau series books, though I haven't read them in a while. I just *have* them.

I've been weeding out books from thel ibrary collection and as I've been doing it, I've been thinking of some of the horrible cover art. I found this one Christian romance that had a cover of some possessed ventriloquist dummy that looked like some nightmare out of the movie Magic. It was enough to give me day mares, so I shared my pain with others by mocking the cover all over the library.

Date: 2008-02-19 08:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I think my next post of this sort will be Christian romance novel covers. There's got to be a lot of preacher action on those. Enough to freak me out at any rate.

Date: 2008-02-19 08:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aikakone.livejournal.com
Of course preachers get action. They're like judges with those flowy robes and people wondering about what's under there. Think of the temptation! And the places they get the action... well, on the altar, in the vestibule, the mezzanine, definitely a little sopm-sopm in the pulpit (a la Police Academy).

You freaked out enough yet, or are you goign to investigate this?

Date: 2008-02-19 08:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
You bet I'm going to investigate! If I wasn't put off by skanky emo vampires, I will not be defeated by preachers!

Date: 2008-02-19 08:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aikakone.livejournal.com
Well, one of them would no doubt have to put his hands on you to pray for your troubled soul and "unnatural" sexual desires...



You know, I feel a pulp novel coming on.

Date: 2008-02-20 02:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aikakone.livejournal.com
PS. I remember this one's already been written. It's called The Scarlet Letter.

Date: 2008-02-20 02:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
You should write it anyway. Just update it and have plenty of repressed, manly lust.

Date: 2008-02-19 10:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shangri--la.livejournal.com
Cruelly dressed by her evil guardian in jeans so tight she needs a knife to get out of them, all she wanted was a full length shirt to call her own. What she got was a vampire who liked to lounge in hallways and be generally useless. So she killed him. Thus began the legend of the vampire huntresses.

Best. Ever.

Date: 2008-02-20 01:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
How on earth is she managing to climb stairs in those jeans? I think that's magic working right there.

Date: 2008-02-20 01:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nutmeg3.livejournal.com
I am so pleased not to see anything I edited (or that we published) on display. ::breathes deeply in relief::

Date: 2008-02-20 01:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Some of these might well be good! Many books are not served well by their covers, especially as the generic cover for paranormal romance appears to be a headless, polished and waxed torso of a man. And when my Cicero thing gets published I bet it has a horrifying cover to punish me for these posts.

Date: 2008-02-20 02:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elspethsheir.livejournal.com
This post is Made of WIN!!!!

Date: 2008-02-20 02:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I am glad you enjoyed it! :)

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