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Apparently, God wants you to marry an ugly pirate. Though I must say that I commend Christian romances for bringing back pirates into romance. Complete with massive, er, swords.

Christian women have a phenomenally large number of encounters with pirates on the high seas. Arrgh, mateys! It is almost enough to get me going back to church. See? God's work is done!

I also learned of the wonders of Lori Wick and her floating Christian women smiling beatifically. However, I draw your attention to the shockingly phallic candle. I am already writing my letter of complaint.

How poor were the Donavans? So poor they couldn't afford a name for their daughter. They just used to refer to her as 'you, there.' Thank the Lord she was clearly too stupid to notice. But she didn't need brains! She had the voice of God to keep her spirits up!

Christian romances sure are fond of disembodied females. But I really trust a woman named Wanda E. Brunsetter to tell me a godly story. Plus look at that female! Properly covered and modest! Even if I think there's something suspicious about the look of ecstasy on her face. Pray tell, what's going on there, Wanda?

Nothing says I am ready to feel the hand of the Lord bless this relationship like a steamy jungle. I have it on good authority that underneath those clothes those people are NAKED. And look at how his hand is shockingly touching her. For shame!

And in this one she is shamelessly fondling his hat! Is nothing sacred? Will this not lead our daughters and sisters away from the flower of purity? When the Lord calls you, Beverly Lewis, I hope you have an explanation!

Here we are on more familiar territory. Men with swords (big ones!) and the flaxen haired maidens who love them. But only in a chaste and maidenly way that Jesus would approve of! But, boy, that's one giant sword.

As sure as dawn that spear is not at suggestive! That angle means nothing! Tragically, I think that if I ever want to read about gladiators getting it one with lusty wenches Christian maidens of pure hearts and good characters I will have to read books like this.

See what I mean? I bet she's some mad Greek female who has seen the lord and whom a Roman praetor falls in love with only to find that she cannot be bought! He will then spend at least 100 pages trying to seduce her only to save her from the lions in page 250. After that they and Saint Thecla will fight off man-eating seals for money in the Eastern provinces.

The Night Angel. That's what we used to call old Maude, yes sir! She was always wandering in the forest, waving that lamp to lure men to their death! But only the ones who didn't worship the Lord! The godly ones she left alone. It's a bit of a pity that she defined 'Godly' as men who didn't ride horses at night, but you can't have everything. (Also, Sophia Miles: I really think your career is strong enough that you can give up posing for Christian romances now)

Okay, this one was in the Christian section at Amazon but I feel there must be some error. Especially as the heroine was pregnant before marriage. And he's clearly very much naked. That's more flesh on show there than the entirety of all Christian romances ever written right there. And those flames? Clearly the fires of hell.

Date: 2008-02-21 07:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
The last one...it scares me...

*goes back to the happy place of men with swords*

Date: 2008-02-21 08:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Many romance novels covers scare me. And in their defense: they're all better than Cassie Edwards' covers.

Date: 2008-02-21 08:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misscam.livejournal.com

Some of those covers are the sort of thing to haunt you at night, truly.

Date: 2008-02-21 08:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
There are worse. There's an entire genre of ones written about Native Americans that have truly terrifying covers.

(See here: http://lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com/172460.html)

Date: 2008-02-21 08:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caerbannog.livejournal.com
I am almost tempted to read Amish romance novels out of sheer curiousity, but I'm afraid it would break my brain.

Date: 2008-02-21 08:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I wonder what they do in Amish romances? And surely they must be marketed to more than the Amish? For that matter, how do you even market an Amish romance?

Date: 2008-02-21 09:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovinlorne.livejournal.com
They would have to be bought by the un-Amish, wouldn't they? Aren't printing presses and all matters of the modern world sinful? They wouldn't be able to read a mass produced book, right???

Unless...what if there's a service for the Amish akin to books on tape? Whereby a member of another faith who is still godly, say a Mennonite, transcribes said tome onto an Amish approved medium?

Could work...

Date: 2008-02-21 10:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Maybe you could do it on a non-automated, old fashioned press? I mean, they've got to be using printed bibles of some sort, so presumably you can use a printed text.

Though I like the mental image of a scriptorium of Mennonites churning out copies of hand-written romances for the Amish.

Date: 2008-02-21 10:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] astropoet.livejournal.com
These scare the bejesus out of me!

And yes, that last one is definately out of place.

Date: 2008-02-21 09:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
None of them inspire me to join the ranks of the blessed in love, that's for sure.

Date: 2008-02-21 11:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agentsculder.livejournal.com
I actually read one of Beverly Lewis' Amish books. I wouldn't really call them romances though. Most they just focus on a Amish family. There really wasn't a heck of a lot going on in the one I read, but I have heard some of them have a bit edgier stuff (ie. incest) going on in them.

Also, I would guess that last one was purposely mis-shelved by someone. As a former bookstore employee, I can sypathize with the desire to shock the people shopping in that section of the store.

Date: 2008-02-21 09:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Sadly, after breaking my brain reading some of the descriptions I just decided that anything in Christian romance was surely a love story and thus qualified. I love the idea of someone buying 'Seducing Simon' and getting about page 150 before realising they'd been cheated! (I'm nasty that way).

Date: 2008-02-21 11:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] astropoet.livejournal.com
They'd keep wondering where the communion wine had got to.

Speaking as a West Coast girl, are these Catholic or Protesant Christian romances. One could actually imagine the Catholic ones to be more fun. Sin! Sin!

Oh wait, Colleen McCullough did that already.

Date: 2008-02-22 03:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I think they're all Protestant. Most of them (apart from the Amish contingent) seem to stay away from marking out a particular sect which is clever marking.

The Thorn Birds: my first exposure to the world of romances. We used to have fake covers for it so the nuns wouldn't find it.

Date: 2008-02-22 03:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Marketing, not marking...


Date: 2008-02-21 02:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cbackson.livejournal.com
As a teenager, I read a lot of romance novels because, you know, they were FULL OF SEXING (and my life was, erm, not). I remember accidentally checking out a Christian romance novel and being SO MAD when I read through 250 pages of poorly written pioneers-on-the-prairie crap only to discover that there is NO SEX in Christian romances. YARGH.

Date: 2008-02-21 09:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I can imagine being handed one of these and thing 'oh, yeah!' and then finding out to your horror that there would BE NO PAYOFF for the terrible prose. On the other hand, of the few modern romances I've recently read (all paranormals, I think) I was sort of shocked by the amount of sex.

*is conflicted*

Date: 2008-02-21 02:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dangermousie.livejournal.com
I *ahem* read a Francine Rivers book or two. No, not a Christian but when I was in high school I went through a 'anything with swords and sandals' phase. The one I read involved some Christian lady saving everyone in a snooty Roman family, including very hot warrior guy, through love of Jesus. Sort of like a bargain-basement Quo Vadis. Only Sienkiewitz has a Nobel Lit Prize and she doesn't so you could notice the difference :)

Date: 2008-02-21 09:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I was briefly tempted by one or two because they were set in Rome. And then I thought some more about how annoyed I would probably get by the heroine's saintliness (I bet it never goes the other way) and that it would probably outweigh any fun I got out of descriptions of evil emperors.


Date: 2008-02-21 04:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] library-of-sex.livejournal.com
Where do you find this stuff?! It just seems so unreal that anyone would write a non-POTC pirate romance nowadays! I guess God wants to cut that "raping" part out of the pirate lifestyle! Just looting and pillaging from now on, thanks!

Date: 2008-02-21 09:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
10 minutes on Amazon was all it too to assemble this bunch! I didn't even google for Christian romances because Amazon had 1000s!

I suspect the entire novel is about her converting the pirates. The way you do.

Date: 2008-02-22 02:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] library-of-sex.livejournal.com
Yep, coverted two heathen pirate bastards just today! My path to heaven is gonna be nice and smooth!

Date: 2008-02-21 06:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fivil.livejournal.com
I'm roflmao. Massively. Are you thinking out buying some just for snark purposes?

Date: 2008-02-21 09:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I was tempted by one or two of the ones set in Rome and then I thought about giving money to the writers and encouraging them to write more.... Maybe if I found them in a second hand bookstore.

Date: 2008-02-21 07:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovinlorne.livejournal.com
Not one of those women look all that "Godly" to me. There are quite a few who have more than just a fleeting look of 'Where's the beef?" in their eyes. Especially No Name Donovan.

Or maybe that's just the joy of the simple minded.

Date: 2008-02-21 09:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I had a few moments when I doubted their godliness too. But then I thought to myself 'would a Christian publisher lie to me? Of course not!'

See! The power of faith!

Date: 2008-02-21 09:49 pm (UTC)
morwen_peredhil: (nanowrimo got a sword - by scarlettarche)
From: [personal profile] morwen_peredhil
I am quite amused that Christian romance covers are just as "sword"-obsessed as the smutty smut smut ones.

Mmm. Men with swords. Not if they're going to try to convert me, though.

Date: 2008-02-21 10:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I did wonder if you'd get a lot more fighting to work off all of the lust they'd have to repress (it being ungodly and all). I bet I'd want the hero to run off with the slutty pagan girl, though.

Date: 2008-02-22 04:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoronassoc.livejournal.com
I think that the bloke on SURE AS THE DAWN looks suspiciously like Brad Pitt in Troy.

Date: 2008-02-22 04:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
He does! He and Sophia Miles are clearly the models of choice for Christian publishers.

Date: 2008-02-22 04:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oxymoronassoc.livejournal.com
Sophia Myles??? Aww I love her but seriously? She was the arm candy of a like 55 year old dude before David...

Date: 2008-02-22 04:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I doubt they care about or for their morals, but they seem to like the blondness (see the 'Night Angel' one - doesn't that look like her?)


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