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I finished Twilight: The Deflowering of a Virgin Vampire and His Increasingly Frustrated Hussy Girlfriend and went through various stages of agony over the whole experience. There was a lot of denial (HOW DID I SPEND THAT MUCH TIME ON THIS????) and anger (GIVE ME BACK THAT TIME SMEYER. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD HAVE DONE WITH THAT TIME???), plus swearing. I've been working through those emotions with the help of Growing up Cullen and Cleolinda's hilarious recaps. But it's still not enough. NOTHING WILL EVER REMOVE THE MEMORIES OF BREAKING DAWN FROM MY MIND.

Er, so my solution was picspam. And imagining Edward Cullen as the direct descendant of Joseph Andrews, Henry Fielding's chaste footman. So, without further ado, here is The Adventures of Edward Cullen and the Precious Jewel of His Virtue. Illustrated with various scenes from the Narrative of Joseph Andrews, also Protector of his Virtue from the Wiles of Lady Booby. Yes, I said Booby. It was a simpler age back in the 18th century.



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This is Edward Cullen, Virgin Vampire. Look at how he suffers even in the midst of vampire baseball. This is because he has been protecting the flower of his chastity from all sorts of wanton hussies for about 9 million years. It's a lot of work, people. And no one appreciates it. NOT EVEN BELLA.

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THE STARING EYES. Or, as I like to call it, 'Edward discovers his MONSTROUS URGES.'

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Here is the soon to be unbelievably frustrated florally scented Bella. A delicious midnight snack who stirs things in Edward that should be left unstirred. And given that Edward pretty much stalks her every hour of every day and she's got a terrible internet connection, she's never getting any relief. Ever. I decided by about 3/4 of the way through the first book that she's got to be the most frustrated teenager in Forks. Apart from Edward, that is.

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This is how Bella sees Edward. Well, only the guy bit. And the statue is still getting more action than he does.

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This is how I visualize Edward's mother. She has never been naked in her entire life. NOT EVER, NOT EVEN ON HER WEDDING NIGHT. NO, SIR.

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Edward's favourite book. He's totally got the footman's costume and likes to wander around the countryside hoping to have opportunities to prove his dedication to not being deflowered by random wenches.

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Often, when he's not scrapbooking and looking for the perfect stickers (tm. Growing up Cullen), he likes to read about how Joseph fought off Lady Booby's amorous hands and foul attempts on his honour. Sometimes he imagines himself saying "No! Lady Booby, I shall never besmirch my honour! Have pity on a poor country footman! La, how can you toy with my virtue so!"

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From time to time he also imagines himself too becoming worthy of the lovely, but sadly illiterate Fanny, just like in the novel. (Shut up, Fanny was a perfectly good name in the 18th century.)

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And wonders if Bella would act it out with him. He's spent many hours perfecting the script. But not the bit where Joseph wanders around naked after being attacked by highwaymen. Edward pretends that bit isn't in the book. FIE ON YOU HENRY FIELDING AND YOUR SHAMELESS IMAGINATION.

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Here's a random shirtless vampire just to offend your sensibilities. He wants to eat Bella. So does Edward, but only in a totally pure way.

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Edward has a vampire family, of course. I was a bit startled to find out in book 4 that they spend all of their time having sex. THE IMMORALITY OF IT ALL.

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For people who have been forced to repeat high school about 50 times and have to live with a virgin hysteric you would think they'd be more depressed. Must be all that sex.

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"So," asks random 18th century guy, "how's that deflowering coming along?" Not well, my friend, not well.

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And there's a werewolf dude. Well, he's not a werewolf in this shot. And he's not 10 foot tall like in the books. He also has monstrous impulses. And is a virgin. Smile while you can, little pre-werewolf boy. Soon you will have THE ANGST.

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I would talk about imprinting but that scarred me more than the demon baby being eaten from the womb, so here's a picture of a wolf. Be free while you can, wolf, soon you'll be having inappropriate thoughts about a newborn. AND SCARRING MY PSYCHE RIGHT DOWN TO ITS CORE.

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And there's Spanish Inquisition the Volturi. They're totally evil. And eat people. Lots of them. But they live in an awesome town and only eat tourists. So that's alright.

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Another shot of Edward's family. The one on the far right has THE HUNGER. I bet he'd like to eat Bella too. But only for food, not in that other way. Except he won't, because Alice would totally rip his head off. She can do that, you know.

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Back to evil, not virgin vampires. At least, I assume they're not all virgins. They sort of straddle in a very non-virginal way.

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"Oh!" cry people from the 18th century, "What is this straddling you speak of! It sounds like fun!"

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"No!" Says Edward. "There will be no straddling! Just chaste stalking and sharing a bed." (Seriously? You wanted to protect the priceless jewel of your chastity, but sit in her room night after night? I know your family is all having it off like crazy, but STILL.)

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"No, straddling for you, maybe" say the Cullens père et mère, who are totally and shamelessly doing it all the night long.

You know, I wanted to scar you all by leaving you with either an image of a demon baby or that felt model of Bella's womb but they wouldn't upload.

In conclusion: um, yay for 100+ year virgins? I DON'T KNOW. I HATE MYSELF FOR HAVING READ THESE BOOKS. GO READ JOSEPH ANDREWS INSTEAD.



This is totally the opposite of Jason Bourne: Wuxia Hero, which I did because Jason Bourne's manpain is all kinds of awesome.

Date: 2009-03-31 06:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] unusualmusic.livejournal.com
cant ....talk....too...busy...dying....laughing

Date: 2009-03-31 07:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I am glad my suffering amuses. :P

Date: 2009-03-31 06:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
I still recommend Anna Godberson's Luxe books as a recovery.

That, or something overwhelmingly plotless and violent.

Date: 2009-03-31 07:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Um. I'm reading Borges' Labyrinths. But NOTHING CAN DULL THE AGONY.

Date: 2009-03-31 06:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lage-nom-ai.livejournal.com
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
That is all.

Date: 2009-03-31 07:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
HOW YOU MOCK MY PAIN.

Date: 2009-03-31 10:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chelseagirl47.livejournal.com
*chokes with laughter*

Date: 2009-04-01 06:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
The real downside is that I am going to always, always think of Edward's virtue when I read Joseph Andrews from now on.

Date: 2009-03-31 06:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alexandral.livejournal.com
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! This is so awesome!

Date: 2009-04-01 06:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Glad you enjoyed. It made me feel ever so slightly less bitter.

Date: 2009-03-31 07:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] creiddyled.livejournal.com
How have I got through life thus far without knowing of Jason Bourne: wuxia hero? I think that was the greatest thing I have ever seen. I thank you, from the bottom of my wuxia-loving heart.

Date: 2009-04-01 06:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Jason Bourne was born to be a wuxia hero. One of his many sorrows is is that he didn't get to carry Marie's dead body through a field of flowers and send it off on a burning raft downstream in proper wuxia fashion.

Date: 2009-03-31 08:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caerbannog.livejournal.com
Oh my god, the lols! That was awesome. It almost made reading the Twilight books worthwhile. Random 18th century guy totally cracked me up and I was not expecting the Spanish Inquisition Volturi.

Date: 2009-04-01 06:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Random 18th century guy is glad that he was born too early to have to live through the Twilight years.

Date: 2009-03-31 09:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] akadougal.livejournal.com
Is it wrong of me to suggest that one day you will get the urge to reread them all... I have very few suggestions for something that will block the pain. I have embraced the pain, sadly....Charlie Brooker's essays from the Guardian - Screen Burn and Dawn of the Dumb - might work. They are full of bile anyway.

Date: 2009-04-01 06:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Is it wrong of me to suggest that one day you will get the urge to reread them all..

First time around I think you can claim madness. Second time...well, there would be even more shame and self-loathing. And what if you ended up liking it??? HORROR.

ETA: Thanks for the suggestion of bitter literature.

Date: 2009-04-01 02:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cbackson.livejournal.com
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

They sort of straddle in a very non-virginal way.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

To sum up: WELL DONE, MADAM.

Date: 2009-04-01 06:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I knew they were evil, unmarried non-virgins by a) their shirtlessness (SUCH IMMODESTY) and their raunchy posture.

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