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[personal profile] lesbiassparrow
I should be working but instead I am mulling over how very terrible Robin Hood is. Sorry if you like it and the actor but I think a lot of its problems can be summed up in two words: Robin Hood. There: I never thought I'd see a Robin Hood story where I root for the bad guys to squish him, but there you go. It's not that I even like the bad guys, but at least they're better than him.

In bullet point:

1. Almost anyone in the cast would be a better Robin Hood. Hell, there are probably some trees in Sherwood that could do the job better. He has all the charisma of a wet sock. In fact, I'd follow a wet sock before I'd follow him. I wouldn't even follow him to the pub for a free drink, that's how anti-charismatic he is.
2. How dumb are these people? I know that the Sheriff can't actually ever really capture Hood, but still. STOP BEING SO STUPID.
3. Holy God, THE CLOTHES. Marian! Stop wearing trousers and colours that didn't even look good in the 70s! Clearly you have access to foreign dyes, but that's no excuse.
4. Guyliner. I know it's the sign of a tortured soul, but the thought of him getting up each morning, putting on his goth outfit and then adding the Guyliner as a finishing touch robs him of all menace, though Richard Armitage does what he can. His sole talent appears to be an ability to loom behind the Sheriff at key moments.
5. How dumb are these people? (Again!) Don't they ever wonder why they're being taxed to death? IT'S CALLED THE FECKING CRUSADES AND RICHARD'S LUNACY. STOP WAITING FOR HIM TO COME BACK! HE'S ONLY GOING TO TREAT ENGLAND AS AN ATM. AGAIN.
6. So the whole 'Richard will solve everything' just doesn't work. Not now. Maybe they deal with this - I fast forward so much that I can't be sure - but it makes no sense. Especially when people point it out and they're all "BUT RICHARD WILL SOLVE EVERYTHING." I hate to be one of Those People, but Robin of Sherwood dealt with it a lot better by making it clear that it was a rotten system and that as futile as it was you should struggle with that, not wait for Richard to fix everything. (And when he appears, he doesn't; he's as bad as the rest of them.)
7. The Night Watchman? Clearly a woman! She has breastage that YOU CAN SEE. I know these are the Dark Ages, but they're not that dark. Plus I will never understand why people do the cartwheeling thing in fighting. Is it really that good a move? I would think a sensible person would just get a big stick and clunk you in the stomach as you cartwheeled around. I mean, it's not like the Night Watchman has any other moves.
8. Why does no one other than the Sheriff live in a castle? If I know one thing about the Normans it's that they loved to build castles. It was like crack to them. In fact, I suspect that they thought any day without building a castle was a wasted day. A lot of Guy's problems could be solved if he lived in a castle, rather than in a house that Robin Hood can waltz in and out of when he wants. Get those peasants working and build yourself a nice, secure castle with a dungeon or two and you'd be all set.
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August 2011

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