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[personal profile] lesbiassparrow
This is for [livejournal.com profile] sajia. Um, I know it's not really what you requested, but hopefully it entertains for all that.

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This is Camelot. Looks nice, doesn't it? All calm and serene, the sort of place you and your peasant brethren would like to raise a few kids. I bet this is what they put on the brochure telling you to move there. "No witches! Best knights in what will be Albion one day, once our nutter king dies and Arthur is in charge!" DO NOT BE FOOLED GOOD PEASANTS. YOU'D BE SAFER STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR'S CAMP AND SHOUTING YOU WERE KING HAROLD.



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This is because every dangerous beast in all the Isles is attracted to Camelot like a cat to 'nip. What else can you expect from a kingdom with a giant dragon CHAINED UNDER THE CASTLE. That's just asking for trouble right there.

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Here's King Uther, whose bright idea that was. Well done there.

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And here's Guinevere. Off to do her shopping like a nice lass and completely unaware that her idiot king keeps a dragon IN HIS CELLARS.

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As if dragons weren't enough there's gargoyles that come to life and like to just pounce on the innocent people of Camelot, off doing whatever it is that they're doing down there. Completely unaware that they are about to get eaten. Probably thinking about the one stale hunk of bread they will all share for dinner tonight. POOR FOOLISH PEASANTS.

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There's also assassins with miniature crossbows. So handy for when you have to travel light and don't want to crease that nice tunic. For purchase write to: The Miniature Crossbow Company, 5 Bloody Murder Lane, Kingdom That Hates Camelot. Genuine inquiries only; no time wasters.

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Assassin also has nice spiked jousting thingy. But I suspect that was a custom job.

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Just to keep up their side of the Keeping Animals Around That Will Kill You bargain, the Druids have giant scorpions. DON'T ASK ME. I THINK THEY'RE ALL MENTAL.

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Back to assassins. Here's a lovely Elf lady who only wants to kill Arthur. It's the most popular source of entertainment in Post Roman England: Killing the Once and Future King.

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And there's unicorns as well. Of course, since they bother no one at all, Arthur decides to kill it. He's that sort of guy.

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Here's another woman who wants to kill Arthur. See what I meant about this being a popular source of entertainment? I bet on long winter nights these people all get together to decide whose turn it is next. Well, it was either that or listening to those fecking troubadours. Again. And the only song they really know is 'Hey Nonny, Nonny." Try listening to that a few hundred times.

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Sometimes, just to vary things, they go after Morgana. She's not yet evil at this point, so she's fair game. Here she is, enjoying a quiet night's rest and they send killer disease laden bugs after her. Sirrah, have they no honour?

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Another day, another dead monster. At least I think it's dead and not just resting like a Norwegian Blue.

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Here's a live one about to gobble Merlin. When people aren't trying to kill Arthur, they go for Merlin. It adds variety to an otherwise routine day of attempting to murder the crown prince.

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There's trolls too. Of course, they want to marry the king and then murder him. Always creative, those trolls. 10 points for style, null points for actually managing it.

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There are a few other kingdoms beset with monsters of the eating people variety. Here's one. It eats their king. LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU FOR KIDNAPPING GUINEVERE

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Here she is, all kidnapped and stuff. Nice cloak. Though she still hasn't learned from Camelot's knights: those red cloaks are just there to make you an easier target.

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Here is one of the most terrifying monsters of them all: Evil Charles Dance. Never let Charles Dance into your castle. It will only end in tears.

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Because Arthur is an idiot hero, he likes to challenge things like dragons. While standing up so he'll be an easier target. You would think there was an unlimited supply of crown princes the way he acts.

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This is really what one should do when there's a dragon around: grovel on the ground and hope it's distracted by something shiny that isn't your armour.

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And because this show is called Merlin here's a shot of him. He's probably wondering what is going to try and kill him next.

In conclusion: Moving to Camelot is probably the worst decision you can make it you want to live to a ripe old age of 30. You might as well go and have a peasant's revolt right now and end it quickly.

Date: 2010-02-23 10:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alexandral.livejournal.com
Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much for this post!!! I miss "Merlin" somewhat terribly.

Date: 2010-02-23 06:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
It is very sad that I have to wait until September for more Merlin. I shouldn't have started watching it until August...but then I saw an episode while I was home for Christmas and wanted to see the rest of it.

Date: 2010-02-23 10:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chelseagirl47.livejournal.com
Now you are making me want to dl s. 2. Darn you, US television, for making it so easy to watch the first season, and not even announcing whether you are giving me the second.

Date: 2010-02-23 06:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Apparently SciFi is going to show it - not quite sure when, but it was announced not so long ago.

Season 2 has better CGI. And a kidnapping every other episode.

Date: 2010-02-23 08:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chelseagirl47.livejournal.com
I was *really* surprised when it showed up on ABC; I thought maybe BBC-America or something.

That's good news, though. I tend to make my husband do the downloading (well, he doesn't have important teaching files and etc on *his* computer), and this would probably make him cranky. . . .

Date: 2010-02-24 05:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Well...if you really wanted I could (ahem) perhaps provide you with a way to get them.

Date: 2010-02-25 09:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chelseagirl47.livejournal.com
Well, I wouldn't say no. :-) But if it's inconvenient, knowing it's going to be on is good . . .

Date: 2010-02-23 03:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sajia.livejournal.com
Thank you! Now I actually want to watch this show!

Date: 2010-02-23 06:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
You should! Guinevere is all sorts of awesome and while the show is cheesy, it somehow always manages to charm.

Date: 2010-02-23 04:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gfrancie.livejournal.com
The show is filled with more cheese than a lasagna and yet I keep watching.
What gets me is they also have pretty good actors guest star on this thing. Maybe people really like wearing funny costumes and handling swords and shit.

Date: 2010-02-23 06:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I rather like cheese, so I hope they keep piling it on. :)

As for guest stars, who wouldn't want a chance to wave a sword and plot against Prince Arthur? I think it's like Robin of Sherwood: you get to romp through Ye Olden Tymes and try and kill people: an ideal combination.

Date: 2010-02-23 05:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aikakone.livejournal.com
Arthur in that picture after Charles Dance looks like he has to go weee.

He'd better not. It'll rust his armor!

Date: 2010-02-23 06:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Well, a dragon is about to swoop in on him. That would make me want to go to the bathroom...

Date: 2010-02-23 06:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wistfulmemory.livejournal.com
I didn't realize how many silly looking, "dangerous" animals this show had. I have to admit that everytime I see a picture of Merlin, I giggle. It's the ears; they're HUGE (and his hair cute doesn't help them at all).

Date: 2010-02-23 06:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
The CGI on this show is rather terrible in season 1 and sometimes in 2 (it is not helped by the fact that they never seem to be able to show a blow landing on the CGI monsters: they just wave their swords at them hopefully). I think they blew most of their budget on the dragon and everything else was done by the person who normally makes the coffee.

Date: 2010-02-24 04:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lage-nom-ai.livejournal.com
I can't believe you left out the most horrific creature of all: Gaius's Prince Valiant wig.

Date: 2010-02-24 05:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
There are some things that should never be seen. That wig is one of them.

Date: 2010-02-24 10:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namastenancy.livejournal.com
They should pay you for this - the actual show is a lot less interesting than your write-up. At this point, I'd say - Lesbiansparrow goes for the gold and the rest can just go. Somewhere else. Maybe next season?

Date: 2010-02-26 01:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Compared to many shows that I have watched, Merlin is a work of transcendent genius. (Actually, I find it rather endearing and charming. Mainly because of Gwen and Merlin. Most of the other characters I want to smack at least once an episode.)

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