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This is for [livejournal.com profile] sajia. Um, I know it's not really what you requested, but hopefully it entertains for all that.

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This is Camelot. Looks nice, doesn't it? All calm and serene, the sort of place you and your peasant brethren would like to raise a few kids. I bet this is what they put on the brochure telling you to move there. "No witches! Best knights in what will be Albion one day, once our nutter king dies and Arthur is in charge!" DO NOT BE FOOLED GOOD PEASANTS. YOU'D BE SAFER STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR'S CAMP AND SHOUTING YOU WERE KING HAROLD.



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This is because every dangerous beast in all the Isles is attracted to Camelot like a cat to 'nip. What else can you expect from a kingdom with a giant dragon CHAINED UNDER THE CASTLE. That's just asking for trouble right there.

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Here's King Uther, whose bright idea that was. Well done there.

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And here's Guinevere. Off to do her shopping like a nice lass and completely unaware that her idiot king keeps a dragon IN HIS CELLARS.

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As if dragons weren't enough there's gargoyles that come to life and like to just pounce on the innocent people of Camelot, off doing whatever it is that they're doing down there. Completely unaware that they are about to get eaten. Probably thinking about the one stale hunk of bread they will all share for dinner tonight. POOR FOOLISH PEASANTS.

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There's also assassins with miniature crossbows. So handy for when you have to travel light and don't want to crease that nice tunic. For purchase write to: The Miniature Crossbow Company, 5 Bloody Murder Lane, Kingdom That Hates Camelot. Genuine inquiries only; no time wasters.

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Assassin also has nice spiked jousting thingy. But I suspect that was a custom job.

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Just to keep up their side of the Keeping Animals Around That Will Kill You bargain, the Druids have giant scorpions. DON'T ASK ME. I THINK THEY'RE ALL MENTAL.

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Back to assassins. Here's a lovely Elf lady who only wants to kill Arthur. It's the most popular source of entertainment in Post Roman England: Killing the Once and Future King.

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And there's unicorns as well. Of course, since they bother no one at all, Arthur decides to kill it. He's that sort of guy.

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Here's another woman who wants to kill Arthur. See what I meant about this being a popular source of entertainment? I bet on long winter nights these people all get together to decide whose turn it is next. Well, it was either that or listening to those fecking troubadours. Again. And the only song they really know is 'Hey Nonny, Nonny." Try listening to that a few hundred times.

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Sometimes, just to vary things, they go after Morgana. She's not yet evil at this point, so she's fair game. Here she is, enjoying a quiet night's rest and they send killer disease laden bugs after her. Sirrah, have they no honour?

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Another day, another dead monster. At least I think it's dead and not just resting like a Norwegian Blue.

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Here's a live one about to gobble Merlin. When people aren't trying to kill Arthur, they go for Merlin. It adds variety to an otherwise routine day of attempting to murder the crown prince.

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There's trolls too. Of course, they want to marry the king and then murder him. Always creative, those trolls. 10 points for style, null points for actually managing it.

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There are a few other kingdoms beset with monsters of the eating people variety. Here's one. It eats their king. LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU FOR KIDNAPPING GUINEVERE

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Here she is, all kidnapped and stuff. Nice cloak. Though she still hasn't learned from Camelot's knights: those red cloaks are just there to make you an easier target.

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Here is one of the most terrifying monsters of them all: Evil Charles Dance. Never let Charles Dance into your castle. It will only end in tears.

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Because Arthur is an idiot hero, he likes to challenge things like dragons. While standing up so he'll be an easier target. You would think there was an unlimited supply of crown princes the way he acts.

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This is really what one should do when there's a dragon around: grovel on the ground and hope it's distracted by something shiny that isn't your armour.

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And because this show is called Merlin here's a shot of him. He's probably wondering what is going to try and kill him next.

In conclusion: Moving to Camelot is probably the worst decision you can make it you want to live to a ripe old age of 30. You might as well go and have a peasant's revolt right now and end it quickly.

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