lesbiassparrow: (THEY MOVE LIKE COUGARS)
[personal profile] lesbiassparrow
Hence comments on Outlander. So far I haven't gotten to the Scene I Have Been Warned About and it is not yet the worst thing I have ever read. Well, not quite, because I still think that book about the vampire who was cursed with having a dragon leap out of him on regular occasions was worse. But I am impressed by Hero and Heroine's ability to be captured by the English at every pivotal plot point. They should stop escaping as it only means that much effort and energy will be expended before they are inevitably captured again. I am also impressed by everyone's ability to speak English no matter how remote the area. They also speak Gaelic as well because otherwise how would we know this is the past, but they are kind enough only to speak it when it is not important for the Heroine to know something. I did not actually know that whipping of various sorts was such an important feature of 18th century rural life. In fact, so important was whipping people talked about it all the time. How they laughed about memorable whippings they had had! How they would regale each other with that story about how their dad/laird/the English/their clansmen whipped them for doing something that totally proves how much of a man they were! It made up about 90% of people's conversation when they weren't talking about whiskey, sadism, and horses.

The rest of the time, of course, they were off having sex in the bracken. Or being captured by the English and then having sex to celebrate their (temporary) escape. I REFUSE TO TALK ABOUT THE OTHER THINGS THAT MAKE UP THIS NOVEL INCLUDING THE AMOUNT OF TIMES PEOPLE TRY TO RAPE VARIOUS PEOPLE.

Heroine is total idiot: if anyone ever offers me the choice between hot baths, modern plumbing and medicine, not being captured by would-be rapist Englishmen and no plumbing, dirt and god knows what horrific illnesses that ran rampant in the 18th century, I know what option I am choosing and it doesn't include the hot and previously virginal 18th Scotsman no matter what he's got under his kilt. ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT HAPPENS TO THE HIGHLANDS IN THE 18TH CENTURY? CULLODEN IS ONLY THE START, YOU TWIT. PLUS NO INDOOR PLUMBING! AND RAPIST ENGLISHMEN! Admittedly, your husband seemed a bit of a waste of space, but think of being able to take a bath! And use a loo! And live with people who probably washed now and then. (Of course, this being romance, no one smells to high heaven in the olden times. Instead they smell earthy and manly and the like. BOLLOCKS, ALL BOLLOCKS.)

THIS BOOK ALSO NEEDS MORE PEOPLE
WHO MOVE LIKE COUGARS.
And Duncan McCloud McLeod OF THE CLAN MCCLOUD McLeod.* I cannot tell you how much I wish he'd make a cameo appearance.

*TRAGICALLY I UNCLANNED DUNCAN WHICH PROBABLY MEANS THAT AS A HIGHLANDER HE HAS TO BURN HIS KILT.

ETA: HEROINE IS NOW FIGHTING OFF A WOLF. A FUCKING WOLF. WITH ONLY A CLOAK OR SOMETHING.

ETA 2: YOU KNOW THEY'RE ALL TOO STUPID TO LIVE. WHO TURNS DOWN LAUDANUM IN FAVOUR OF BEING CONSCIOUS WHILE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO RESET BONES? MORONS, THAT'S WHO.

ETA 3: I am confused as to the geography of this novel. One moment they're in Scotland, the next minute they're in the English Channel and someone talks about going overland to France, which I feel was probably pretty impossible then as now.

ETA 4: I feel perhaps the discussion of Catholic religious practices might have been better not shoe-horned in at the end, especially as Heroine is supposed to be mad with worry over Hero.

ETA 5: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SCENE WHERE SHE HEALS HIM BY PRETENDING TO BE EVIL ENGLISHMAN? WHAT?

ETA 6: IT IS DONE. DONE. LIKE A DONE THING. I SHALL NOT BE READING THE SEQUEL BUT I SHALL TELL YOU WHAT IS IN IT ANYWAY: PEOPLE BEING CAPTURED BY THE ENGLISH, WHIPPING, MANLY FEATS AND NO PLUMBING. PLUS ONE WOULD SUSPECT MUCH MORE DIRE GOINGS ON THAN I LIKE TO DESCRIBE IN THIS JOURNAL.

Date: 2010-05-11 04:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
TURN BACK NOW BEFORE IT IS BURNED INTO YOUR BRAIN!!! ONCE IT'S THERE, IT NEVER LEAVES!!!

Date: 2010-05-11 05:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I WILL NEVER LEARN DISCRETION OF THIS SORT.

Date: 2010-05-11 04:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] balcarin.livejournal.com
I STARTED THIS BOOK. AND GOT BORED. THE END.

Date: 2010-05-11 05:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I found that it was easy to read fast by skipping madly through all the whipping stories. They're about 40% of the novel.

Date: 2010-05-11 05:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namastenancy.livejournal.com
I skipped to all the sex bits and was still bored. The fact that this damn book has gone into countless editions and that there are sequels after sequels is proof that you can never underestimate the intelligence and taste of certain types of people.

Date: 2010-05-11 05:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lage-nom-ai.livejournal.com
AHAHAHAAHAHAHA. I TOLD YOU DUNCAN WOULD IMPROVE IT. And it's McLEOD, dammit!

I totally love how Claire can remember, like, an entire family tree, but not what happens to the Scots as a whole.

Things I like about Modern Times (besides indoor plumbing):
-Advil
-antibiotics
-tampons
-NOT HAVING SCURVY
-LIVING ON MY OWN AND HAVING MY OWN BANK ACCOUNT
-Feeling fully capable of beating the shit out of any guy who'd attempt to spank me in front of his friends (or otherwise)

Date: 2010-05-11 05:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
YOU DON'T NEED ANY OF THOSE THINGS WHEN YOU HAVE A MANLY HIGHLANDER. THIS BOOK TOLD ME SO.

Date: 2010-05-11 05:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lage-nom-ai.livejournal.com
But... but... I'M NOT A SASSENACH. WILL THE LURE OF THE HIGHLANDER WORK FOR ME, TOO?

Date: 2010-05-11 05:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
THE LURE OF THE HIGHLANDER WORKS FOR ALL PEOPLES, ALL TIMES. IT'S THE EARTHY MANLY SMELL COMBINED WITH THE HIGH CHANCES OF DYING HORRIBLY AT AN EARLY AGE THAT DOES IT.

Date: 2010-05-11 05:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lage-nom-ai.livejournal.com
AND THE WHIPPING. WHIPPING IS HOTTT, YO.

Date: 2010-05-11 05:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I cannot tell you of the sorrow in my heart that I live in an age which frowns on whippings for all offenses. HOW WE HAVE SUNK AS A CULTURE.

Date: 2010-05-11 05:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lage-nom-ai.livejournal.com
That's why we have no more MANLY MEN left.

(also: things go ok with the flight and pickup?)

Date: 2010-05-11 06:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
WE HAVE DESTROYED MANHOOD BY A DEARTH OF WHIPPING AND ALSO OTHER RANDOM INJURIES FROM WHICH NO ONE WOULD EVER HAVE RECOVERED IN THE 18TH CENTURY.

(Flight went fine, though it was v. late before I got to go to bed.)

Date: 2010-05-11 06:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cookiesworld17.livejournal.com
I read that book years ago, on the advice of several people who should have known better. The only scene I remember is The Scene You Have Been Warned About, and something involving a circle of very large stones. I seem to have blocked the whipping.
On a more positive note, I have met Diana Gabaldon and she is a very gracious lady. She also dresses in a way suitable for someone who writes about people who know how to speak Gaelic, all flowy dresses made of gorgeous hand-dyed fabric. It is worth trying to meet her just to check out her dresses.
Have a safe landing!

Date: 2010-05-11 06:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
The whipping is best blocked. I started to skip descriptions of whipping which meant big chunks of the novel passed v. quickly. Author looks suitably cheery on the back page and adorned in swirly clothing and not at all like someone with whipping fetish.

Date: 2010-05-11 05:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namastenancy.livejournal.com
I suspect the whipping fetish developed when she discovered that people were ...gasp...oh the horrors...writing fan fic with HER characters. Oh the woe! Oh the potential loss of $$$$. The Society for the Protection of Having Unprotected Sex in Haystacks also figured in the development of this fetish.
The Society for the Protection of Crawly Creatures in the Aforesaid Haystack hasn't been heard from.....yet.

Date: 2010-05-12 08:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
The whipping fetish is pretty front and centre in the first book though, so I suspect it preceded any fanfic. I don't know if that is better or worse, though.

Date: 2010-05-11 07:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rheanna27.livejournal.com
Thank you for undertaking the public service of reading this book so I don't have to. And also making me laugh a lot.

Date: 2010-05-12 07:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I understand there is a bewildering array of sequels, so clearly it must have sold like hotcakes. Clearly the world loves whipping and kilts.

Date: 2010-05-11 07:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caerbannog.livejournal.com
Your reaction is making me lol, like I knew it would.

Due to the recent fanfic kerfuffle, I just found out that Gabaldon based Jamie's character on her RL husband to which I can only say, OH MY GOD, SO AWKWARD.

I don't understand the healing sex scene either. O_o How does that help?

Date: 2010-05-12 07:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
There are things you just don't want to know about writers personal lives and that would be one of them.

THE HEALING SEX WHERE SHE MAKES THIS NEARLY DEAD GUY CHASE HER AROUND THE ROOM FOR LOLZ AND CURING WAS SO BIZARRE.

Date: 2010-05-11 08:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dangermousie.livejournal.com
Warned you!

As someone suffering from a nasty ear infection right now and about to seek stronger antibiotics, I say nothing could get me to move to 18th century anywhere, not even if I was offered a platoon of whipping-mad virginal Scotsmen.

Date: 2010-05-12 07:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Even if they had decent healing, the smell alone would make return to the future. THINK ABOUT A WORLD WITHOUT DECENT TOOTHPASTE NOT TO MENTION NO PROPER WASHING.

Date: 2010-05-12 09:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namastenancy.livejournal.com
Many many years ago when I was young and dumb, I traveled though part of Asia where there was little soap, less public hygiene and no tooth paste. I never smelled anything so horrible in my life and it scarred me permanently. Now, when I read some piece of historical fiction or even real history, I wonder how the people and their living spaces smelled. Really really rank.

Date: 2010-05-11 10:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] queenthesixth.livejournal.com
I read the book in a few hours but it was mainly by skimming over chunks of it. I've since read the sequels (a friend loaned them to me) and they get more and more bloated as they progress. She's so busy putting her characters at the site of major historical events and meeting famous figures at the expense of any coherent plot.
The sequel that was published last year seems to have a cast of thousands.I keep mixing up characters which is why it's still only quarter read despite having it since last September.

I hope someone writes a fanfic where Duncan McLeod appears and something happens that he can be all angsty about when talking to Methos and Ritchie in the future.

Date: 2010-05-12 07:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
The book is a pretty fast read, for sure. I had troubles remembering who was who in this one - can't imagine if she added more. Though I did love that Evil Englishman was killed by a stampede of Highland Cattle.

Duncan McLeod should have a quest appeareance in the last one. He could sniff the air as he remembered his early years and did the Angsty Immortal Flashback.

Date: 2010-05-11 11:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pontisbright.livejournal.com
I have the strangest feeling that I started reading this by accident once, due to a summer job which involved a lot of sitting in a booth not selling tickets to the people who weren't queuing up to buy them. Finished my book, picked up co-worker's, discovered after about twenty pages that staring into space might be more my cup of tea.

Am much amused now to think my co-worker was reading FILTH and WHIPPING. Though obviously not the sort of filth or whipping which those nasty fanfic people write, oh nonono.

(Alternatively, there are TWO of these. Ye gods.)

Date: 2010-05-12 07:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Your co-worker could have lured into reading the filth and whipping; the book write up and cover gives no idea of the amount of crazy goings-on that occur and for about the first 300 pages or so, it's just pretty normal. AND THEN IT ALL FLOODS OUT LIKE A RIVER OUT OF CONTROL. It's as if once she started, there was no stopping.

Date: 2010-05-11 01:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] salamandersam.livejournal.com
These books were my crack, even though I think they're stupid and that Claire is an idiot and I skip over all: whippings, rape, voodoo, prostitutes being burned, sex scenes, and like half the books I just flip past the pages while muttering she needs a damn editor.

The last book was terrible, it jumped from person to person and time to time and was a huge mess. And add the recent fanfic kerfluffle and I'm done.

Date: 2010-05-12 07:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
The bit where Claire has the chance to go home to a world where they have baths and no crazy rapist Englishman and STAYS and I was shrieking 'ARE YOU MAN, WOMAN? WHO WOULD STAY THERE?' What a twit. Though I had a hope that she would decide to invent penicillin or something and make a fortune and then buy London or something. Sadly, it wasn't that type of book.

Date: 2010-05-12 08:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] salamandersam.livejournal.com
But it's the power of all-consuming luuuurrrrve! Baths and rapey Englishmen and later kidnapping and gang rape don't matter!

In later books she does make penicillin, though she doesn't sell it. Another sign of her not being so bright.

Date: 2010-05-11 01:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wistfulmemory.livejournal.com
Yeah! You survived the reading of the book! :) I was cracking up while I was reading your post. This is definitely a book I will never read.

(And yeah for arriving safely. I hope you have a wonderful time while you're over there.)

Date: 2010-05-12 07:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
There are many books I have said that I would never read and tragically I have ended up reading most of them. SAVE YOURSELF WHILE YOU CAN.

Date: 2010-05-11 02:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] creiddyled.livejournal.com
I would like to know more about vampire who was cursed with having a dragon leap out of him on regular occasions, please. Like, where can I get a copy?

Date: 2010-05-12 08:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
That one was amazing. It really was the most WTF thing I have ever read. It took me some time to find the title but for you I persevered. It was called 'Lover Eternal' by JR Ward and I feel that you should suffer like I did enjoy it.

Date: 2010-05-11 02:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] raffaella.livejournal.com
(Of course, this being romance, no one smells to high heaven in the olden times. Instead they smell earthy and manly and the like. BOLLOCKS, ALL BOLLOCKS.)

I first read that as "they all smell of bollocks", and then went "Oh, I read too fast. Mistake", before realising that reading mistake or not, that sounds about right. So THANK YOU SO MUCH for putting the smell of ripe, unwashed bollocks into my head. *cries*

Psst: you forgot eyeglasses/contact lenses. I'm extremely near-sighted and I do enjoy my century, thankyouverymuch. Oh wait, I suppose that counts as medicinal progress. How can anyone give that up? (BSG finale, I'm looking at you). And novels, hundreds of novels at our disposal! Films and TV shows! Easy travel anywhere you want! I didn't read the book, so did she have the option of bringing her Scottish boy toy back to the 20th century?

If I were her, I would have assembled lotsa gold and artifacts in a burlap sack, highttailed it back to my century, sold the priceless antiques, divorced the husband if I didn't love him, and then lived a life of leisure and Scottish cabana boys if my tastes ran to that.

Date: 2010-05-11 05:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namastenancy.livejournal.com
Now, that's a lot better plot that the endless ones that she did write.

Date: 2010-05-12 08:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
If I were her, I would have assembled lotsa gold and artifacts in a burlap sack, highttailed it back to my century, sold the priceless antiques, divorced the husband if I didn't love him, and then lived a life of leisure and Scottish cabana boys if my tastes ran to that.

Despite the novel trying to tell me Claire was smart, her utter failure to do anything like this just proves her remarkable stupidity. NO MAN NO MATTER HOW HOT IS WORTH A LIFE OF SMELLY SERVITUDE AND ENDLESS POTENTIAL RAPE.

Date: 2010-05-11 04:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alexandral.livejournal.com
Hahahahahaha. I dob't even intend to read any of this - but hahahahha. I love your posts of this sort.

Although, a virginal Scotsman is very tempting. There isn't many of this kind in here.
Edited Date: 2010-05-11 04:33 pm (UTC)

Date: 2010-05-12 08:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Although, a virginal Scotsman is very tempting.

No matter how hot, no virginal Scotsman could ever compete with hot baths, modern medicine and rights for women. :)

Date: 2010-05-11 05:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nutmeg3.livejournal.com
I'm practically on the floor laughing. I've actually never read this book, though my mother and sister loved it and at least some number of its sequels. And now I not only don't have to read it, I don't think I could/ Not with a straight face, anyway. ::is still giggly::

Date: 2010-05-11 05:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namastenancy.livejournal.com
Lesbiansparrow's write up is a whole lot better than the actual book. Trust me.

Date: 2010-05-12 08:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
It gets sort of awesomely WTFery in the later stages, so it is not without its own appeal. But I cannot imagine wanting to read anymore of them. Not unless Claire got a brain and decided to return to a world where women have rights and baths. And toothpaste.

Date: 2010-05-12 09:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namastenancy.livejournal.com
And let's no forget antibiotics and anesthesia. Can you imagine childbirth without them? I am willing so ignore some foolish nostalgia for the past if the writing is good but if it's both bad and clueless, there is no way.
But it's a great subject for mocking.

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