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[personal profile] lesbiassparrow
Did you know Caesar was magic? Even dead he doesn't decompose! Or get smelly! Or have flies buzzing around. Also he sacrificed his ENTIRE LIFE for Rome. Poor man: forced into being a sole ruler when all he probably wanted to do was grow cabbages and write on them like Cato the Elder. (Cato had a perfect fetish for cabbages and wrote at lenght about their marvellous curative properties. You'd probably have a leg cut off and he'd be trying to wrap it up in cabbage leaves.)

ETA: Cicero as action man! He's come to the rescue of Octavian! Oooh, Cassius is threatening Cicero. But Cicero is giving as good as he gets. Even when he is threatened with death. Cassius tells him he is a mouth that flaps. Better men than you have said that and regretted it.

ETA 2: I am amused that Tyrannus and Octavian fled for days only to...end up in Rome. I know all roads led there, but this is ridiculous.

ETA 3: Well, the guy who plays Antony does good crazy eyes. Really good ones. The mob has gone crazy! They're about to burn Caesar in the Forum. At least it's better than using the senate house, which served for Clodius Pulcher's pyre. It is a pretty sad pyre though. Mainly twigs and one cart and about 2 foot high.

ETA 3: Hey! Cicero is in the temple of Vesta. THE GODS WILL BE FURIOUS. The last man in there - who was in there to rescue sacred objects when it went on fire - went blind as a result. THERE ARE NOW COMBAT DUNGEONS. WHERE THEY TRAIN GLADIATORS. Apparently only 1 in a 100 survive. That's worse odds of survival than for eunuchs. Which, by the way, were the most expensive slaves you could get because the survival rate was so low.

ETa 4: RAPAX LIVES UP TO HIS NAME. HE HAS SMASHED HIS WAY INTO THE HOUSE OF THE VESTALS. THERE IS SHRIEKING.

ETA 5: So T+O are off to General Magonius. And in about 2 seconds they have been taken prisoner as slaves. HOW HE WILL SUFFER. Rapax is back causing trouble at the temple of Vesta because...well he is EVIL. Like the Senate. The key is in the name.

ETA 6: I can imagine them plotting this out. Scene 57. The combat dungeons. The sweet-smelling Octavian is thought to be a male whore. He must learn how to be a slave and stop smelling so nice. Etc. Etc.

Date: 2011-04-05 04:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nutmeg3.livejournal.com
I can't even begin to communicate my glee over these posts. Cabbage-leaf bandages are the new black. Or ought to be, anyway.

Date: 2011-04-05 04:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
You would love this. It could only be made better if Sharkoctupus made a guest appearance.

Date: 2011-04-05 04:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nutmeg3.livejournal.com
I'm now writing a movie in my head where Sharktopus time-travels to ancient Rome. He makes his way inland via the aquaduct, and hilarity ensues.

Date: 2011-04-05 04:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
And then he becomes a famous gladiator. I am not sure how that would work but these writers could probably work that in somehow.

Date: 2011-04-05 04:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dangermousie.livejournal.com
This makes me happy. So happy.

Date: 2011-04-05 04:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
It really is quite hilarious. It rides all over history like Caesar trampling on Gauls.

Date: 2011-04-05 04:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
Is this the one with Emily Blunt?

Date: 2011-04-05 04:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Yes. It is quite awesome.

Date: 2011-04-05 05:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
Ah. Then this is the one in my netflix queue.

I suffer much for my actresses.

Date: 2011-04-05 04:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lage-nom-ai.livejournal.com
Somehow, I feel that a hyena anus would make things all better.

Date: 2011-04-05 04:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I think you will need more than that at this point. BECUASE NOW OCTAVIAN AND TYRANNUS ARE IN THE COMBAT DUNGEONS.

Date: 2011-04-05 04:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lage-nom-ai.livejournal.com
WHEN WILL THERE BE A KRAKEN??? OR AT LEAST A LION.

Date: 2011-04-05 04:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
NO BUT BECAUSE OCTAVIAN SMELLS NICE THEY THINK HE'S A MALE WHORE. THIS WILL NOT TURN OUT WELL.

Date: 2011-04-05 05:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lage-nom-ai.livejournal.com
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Date: 2011-04-05 05:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] queenofthorns.livejournal.com
I don't know about treating amputations, but cabbage leaves are actually quite good for treating mastitis (a nasty breast infection that you get while breastfeeding.) So maybe Cato was onto something there, hmmmmm?

Date: 2011-04-05 05:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
If he was, it was purely accidental. Some of his suggestions...well, lets just say that you wouldn't want him as a doctor.

Date: 2011-04-05 08:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namastenancy.livejournal.com
So, Cato got breast infections? Who knew? The things about ancient Rome that I pick up here..probably should stay here.

Date: 2011-04-05 09:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fivil.livejournal.com
ETA 2: I am amused that Tyrannus and Octavian fled for days only to...end up in Rome. I know all roads led there, but this is ridiculous.
AHAHAHAHA

Almost want to see this now. Never been huge on classics but this sounds weirdly amusing.

Date: 2011-04-05 12:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Any relationship this show has to classics or Roman history is purely accidental, I assure you. THERE IS MASS MURDER BY SNAKES. And Octavian is taken for a male whore because he smells good.

Date: 2011-04-05 12:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dangermousie.livejournal.com
Oh my God, you evil woman. I just put this into my netflix cue. I want to see Roman civil wars turned into slasher fantasy :P

Date: 2011-04-05 08:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namastenancy.livejournal.com
More pandering of corrupt history. IS there no end to your shamelessness?

Date: 2011-04-06 04:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Nope! I exist to make other people suffer through the same rubbish I do. :p

Date: 2011-04-06 04:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] namastenancy.livejournal.com
The problem is that there is a lot more enjoyment and relish than suffering.

I want to see the suffering before I believe it!

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