lesbiassparrow: (Sacred chickens)
[personal profile] lesbiassparrow
Last night I saw Transformers 3. I apologise for my money contributing to the fact that there will be a fourth film in this series. I really do. You all know how I have no taste, right, so it takes a lot for me to say this, but this is the single dumbest, oddest film I have ever seen. There is no plot. None at all. There's not even an attempt at one. Okay there's the moon and something with robots from space, but when a film doesn't even make a cursory effort to link scenes together or follow up on any plot points, then you can safely say that it is a melange of plotlessness never before seen in a 200 million dollar Hollywood venture. This film has been deplotted to an extent rarely seen outside films where some guy making balloons wanders in and out of scenes asking 'Where is the cheese? I must have cheese for my moustache!' all while water drips in the background in tune to Beethoven's Eroica.

It's like surrealist cinema with explosions. And rather creepy robots, who appear to have a rather sexualised interest in the The Girl. I can't remember her name, but it doesn't matter because her sole talent was keeping her jacket spotlessly white in the midst of Chicago being blown up and falling through buildings. And shrieking really loudly. REALLY LOUDLY. As for her acting...well, I never thought I'd say this, but I spent the entire time longing for Megan Fox to appear and shove her down a well. I should learn the actress' name so I can be sure to avoid any film in which she appears in the future. (ETA: And The Girl was also about the worst human being ever. No, really. She was worse than Evil Patrick Dempsey who was betraying mankind.)

As for the rest, well, the film's major issue is that it takes a remarkably long time for them to start blowing things up. This is not good, because it gives you time to think (thinking which your brain tries to short-circuit as a survival mechanism). And thinking leads to you wondering why X scene has suddenly morphed into Y scene with absolutely no explanation of how you got from one to another. Or why there are no girl autobots or evil bots. Which, come to think of it, might explain the creepy interest in the girl. (And why do robots need gender anyway? And why do they have eyes and not some other sensor thingy? And where did all those people appear from? And why are they now in Africa? And....)*

The good part of the experience was that the film blanked out for a bit in the middle, so although they got it going again, I got a voucher for a free film.

ETA: You know how some people talk about how they'd give almost anything to talk to Socrates, or Buddha, or Issac Newton, or some other great thinker? I would honestly give up the chance to speak to any of these people (including Cicero) just to talk to Michael Bay about what the fuck this film was about.



*Brain runs off screaming

Date: 2011-07-05 11:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nutmeg3.livejournal.com
Is it wrong that after reading this post I suddenly want to see the movie?

Date: 2011-07-05 11:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
DON'T DO IT. I WENT IN THINKING 'WHAT'S THE HARM' AND I LEFT IT IN HORROR HAVING LOST AT LEAST 20% OF MY MENTAL ABILITY.

Date: 2011-07-06 12:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mistress-mab.livejournal.com
Is The Girl supposed to be Megan Fox part deux, or is she a new character?

Date: 2011-07-06 01:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
She's new. They make a big deal of this. She is also quite remarkably horrible. But that sort of horrible where everyone says how wonderful it is.

Date: 2011-07-06 12:55 am (UTC)
morwen_peredhil: (michael bay blow it up - by merrymatryos)
From: [personal profile] morwen_peredhil
Explosions are the reason to watch a Michael Bay film. EXPLOSIONS EARLY AND OFTEN OR GTFO!

Date: 2011-07-06 01:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I love your icon with an unnatural love. This film, sadly, took way too long before beginning the process of sustained blowing of things up.

Date: 2011-07-06 03:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] caerbannog.livejournal.com
Given all the bad movies you've posted about before, I'm actually kind of impressed at how bad this is. Not impressed enough to watch it though. Everything I've heard about it suggests massive amounts of douchebaggery.

Date: 2011-07-06 06:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
It is stupendously, amazingly awful on some inhuman scale. Save yourself from being one of those people who have to admit in the future (as I will) that they contributed to the fall of civilisation by encouraging Michael Bay to make more films.

Date: 2011-07-06 04:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lage-nom-ai.livejournal.com
I repeat the most amazing thing ever written in a New Yorker movie review, about Transformers2: "Michael Bay is a stunningly, almost viciously, bad director."

You should check out AO Scott's New York Times review of Transformers3, though, in which he's so stunned by the badness he sort of admits a sense of wonder.

Date: 2011-07-06 06:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
His comments on The Girl: "The robots and cars are soulful, but her character is purely mechanical, a token of reassurance for viewers reveling in a spectacle of cosmic, brutal, heavy-metal homoeroticism. "

He is far too kind. Far, far too kind. But that is a delicious review.

Date: 2011-07-06 04:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thedorkygirl.livejournal.com
but but Cicero. Cicero. He's...he's cool. I'm reading a fiction about him, and he's cool.

Date: 2011-07-06 06:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Ooh...are you reading Harris' Imperium? Or Lustrum? Because they were awesome books.

Date: 2011-07-06 06:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thedorkygirl.livejournal.com
Imperium. I'm reading Game of Thrones at the same time, so Imperium is on a break, but I go back and forth between every few days when I find one genre too tedious to take. #lunchtimereadinghabits

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