lesbiassparrow: (love is never wrong pink)
lesbiassparrow ([personal profile] lesbiassparrow) wrote2011-07-31 08:33 pm
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Viking Romance Novels. The horror, the horror

Let's start with the Christian Viking romances, shall we?

Well, he may have Viking pride, but who on earth would find this face attractive? Sadly, I suspect this is what the average captive maiden had to look forward to, rather than the nippleathon that most romance novels offer.

Another Christian one! I really have no idea what is going on here. Why is he holding her over the water? As shark bait? Why are they in the world's smallest Viking boat? What happened to the other Vikings? Did they eat them? THESE QUESTIONS MUST BE ANSWERED. But not by reading the book, because I am too cheap.

I had a whole narrative written for this one, where a nearly naked Viking sails out of the past and abducts an Amish bride, who not unnaturally is unwilling. But still she cannot stop herself from touching his oiled, hairless chest...but she must! For he knows not the ways of Christ! And unless she can find a willing minister she is doomed for ever to Christian virginhood or sinful lust! What will she do????? (Going by the picture I think she is going for lust and sin with added repentance.)

But then my entire theory was thrown off by this picture. Here the unwilling wife is clearly dressed like a HUSSY. And she is letting the Viking touch her NAKED LEG. Sin! Sin! Sin!

Well, at least he wasn't waving his sword at her in a phallic extravaganza of unparalleled proportions.

And he's got nothing on Fabio, who, um, seems to be experiencing a great deal of pleasure as he handles his sword.

But the queen of the Viking romance genre seems to be Sandra Hill; by my estimation she has written about 50 thousand of them, all manly, mulleted and endowed with glistening chests that you could use as a lighthouse. In fact, it is a little know fact that every Viking ship kept a semi-naked well-oiled Viking to bounce rays off and thus communicate with other Vikings. It saved the embarassment of heading in to pillage and rape somewhere that had just been pillaged and raped and hadn't had time to restock the nunneries.

Sometimes they could chain him up like this for laughs. "Oh Olaf," they would say playfully, "let us lash you up for a bit! Just to add to the erotic thrill of being a Viking and Vikinging!"

Other times they'd just stand in ice caves with no clothes on. Just to show how manly they were. No wonder he's bloody blue with only a scrap of fur across his chest

Ah, your typical Viking. Bare chested, waxed and oiled, and facing the wrong way. Surely he should be waving that battleaxe at the other ship, rather than his own? And how exactly is this alluring? The guy wants to chop your head off. Is there a decapitation fetish I have not heard of among romance novel readers?

You know how sometimes it’s not enough to be a Viking? You have to be more manly than that? This is the book that dares to go there. He’s a Viking and a werewolf! That’s superawesome and erotic, right?

This wonder by the author of Ravished by a Viking promises so much. A guy in a tiny skirt who appears to want to stab you. And what more could any woman want?

This poor Viking can't even affort a skirt. Or trousers. He had to kill a wolf and tie it around his hips. And the for the life of me I can't work out what this scene is a prelude to, other than some sort of ballet or ice dance move. Or maybe they're both virgins and haven't quite worked out how this sex thing works.

I left out The Virile Viking cover. You can thank me for that later.

[identity profile] nutmeg3.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 03:39 am (UTC)(link)
::runs and hides in terror::

[identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 03:58 am (UTC)(link)
I even left out some of the more horrific mullets, too!

[identity profile] dangermousie.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 03:49 am (UTC)(link)
I am literally laughing so hard I feel ill.

A friend and I used to read covers of the Hill ones out loud to each other in the bookstore.

[identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 03:59 am (UTC)(link)
Sandra Hill is a one woman sub-genre. I guess that's impressive one some level...
morwen_peredhil: (khal drogo romance model - by  qasr_e_sh)

[personal profile] morwen_peredhil 2011-08-01 03:59 am (UTC)(link)
I have actually read Viking Warrior, Unwilling Wife, which I obtained via Paperbackswap.com because I could not resist the name. Also Taken by the Viking by the same author. Harlequin Historicals for the win!

[identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:00 am (UTC)(link)
Huzzah! Please tell me my Amish time-travelling maiden is on the money!
morwen_peredhil: (khal drogo romance model - by  qasr_e_sh)

[personal profile] morwen_peredhil 2011-08-01 04:01 am (UTC)(link)
Sadly, no. (I think the heroine was a Viking lady.) Someone should totally write that, though.

[identity profile] namastenancy.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:01 am (UTC)(link)
Who needs a comedy show when you can read these titles and your commentary. Oh, my sides hurt from laughing - did you get these deathless covers from the Romance site?

[identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:29 am (UTC)(link)
I got one or two of them. The others are thanks to the generosity of Amazon, who now are convinced that I have a major Viking fetish.

[identity profile] cookiesworld17.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:20 am (UTC)(link)
Things sure is easier when writin' about the old days. These days if you're writing for the contemporary Christian romance market, you are not allowed to include: sex, gratuitous kissing, drinking, gambling, dancing, cursing or playing cards. No word about chest shaving or oiling.
Have you been on the Viking ship Munin? It looks just like the boat on all those covers! I helped row it once around English Bay but we were turned back because of choppy waters. My forebearers would be ashamed.

[identity profile] cbackson.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:22 am (UTC)(link)
We have a wee Viking ship down in Seattle as well!

[identity profile] cookiesworld17.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:25 am (UTC)(link)
Now that's a vacation idea! Travelling North America rowing authentic half-scale replicas of Norwegian Viking Ships! I'd so be up for that.

[identity profile] cbackson.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:55 am (UTC)(link)
I have actually seen ours on the water, although more often it's towed around to various Scandinavian-American events (I live in a Norwegian immigrant neighborhood).

[identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:29 am (UTC)(link)
If only you'd had a half-naked Viking strapped up somewhere to shine a light on your path! That way you could have ventured anywhere!

[identity profile] cbackson.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:56 am (UTC)(link)
The radiant glow of his oiled chest would guide us!

[identity profile] cbackson.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:21 am (UTC)(link)
This is - this is - this is GLORIOUS. THE BLUE VIKING is my favorite, because dude looks incongruously CHEERFUL about his situation. Fur scarf? Check. Shiny metal wrist-cuff. Check. Strangely slender sword. Check. All is well, my Viking friends!

[identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:27 am (UTC)(link)
There is nothing a Viking likes better than airing his chest in the cold as he fingers a miniature sword. And why wouldn't he be happy with that magnificent belt buckle, which so strangely draws the eye in...

[identity profile] cbackson.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:57 am (UTC)(link)

Am downloading. Will report back.

[identity profile] cbackson.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:24 am (UTC)(link)
OH LORD. So I was forced to search for Sandra Hill on my library's eBook site, and found this:

Punished for an indiscretion, Navy SEAL and all-around tough guy Zachary Floyd is forced to head a new SEAL-like program for women. There he meets an alluring Norsewoman, who's escaped a nunnery, her father, and the eleventh century altogether.


[identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:26 am (UTC)(link)
Holy Mother of God. How long before the very fabric of time and space collapse in on us???

[identity profile] namastenancy.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 05:38 am (UTC)(link)
Yeah - but did she include the oiled chest. It's not authentic unless there's a waxed and oiled chest. It has to match the dining room set.

[identity profile] cookiesworld17.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:35 am (UTC)(link)
And did you check out the blurb on the cover of Viking Unchained? Apparently Sandra Hill's books are meant to tickle the funnybone. The guy on the cover didn't get the memo, I guess.

[identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 04:37 am (UTC)(link)
He's laughing on the inside! I hope. Or he will when his men let him free...

[identity profile] raincitygirl.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 05:24 am (UTC)(link)
I laughed so hard I scared the cat.

[identity profile] namastenancy.livejournal.com 2011-08-01 05:40 am (UTC)(link)
Oh - the Outlaw Viking? They were both put on leave from the Ice Follies until he learns how to hoist her up over his chest (oiled or not) and rotate on the ice. That's the only think that makes sense with that cover. Unless he's trying to figure out where the girly parts are and is working his way down the ladder (so to speak).