lesbiassparrow: (Default)
If you thought Cassie Edwards' covers of improbable love in the Old West were the peak that western romance could aspire to you were sadly wrong.

Photobucket

"No, no!," cried Lone Arrow. "Not the nipples! Anything but the nipples!"

But Esmeralda could not control herself; she had to touch the nipples of this magnificent stranger, feel his sinuous skin, and toy with his flesh. It was forbidden, she knew, but those round, manly discs, the pride of his gleaming chest, called to her and claimed her wandering fingers.

Lone Arrow, leader of some tribe who would surely be horrified by this whole thing, felt his resolve weaken as his manhood awakened... [Further excerpts available upon application to the author.]

Glorious, glorious covers behind the cut. )

Previously in this series: Christian Romances and Paranormal Romance.
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
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Apparently, God wants you to marry an ugly pirate. Though I must say that I commend Christian romances for bringing back pirates into romance. Complete with massive, er, swords.

Click for more devout loving! )
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
...my next romance novel cover post will be on Christian romances

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Actual description: "Tanner Richardson, the volatile* duke of Cambridge, sees his wife with another man. Misinterpreting the situation, he erupts into rage and throws her and their unborn baby out." Yep. There's a romance scenario just bristling with promise. Plus, er, that's not exactly what the title suggested to me at all. I thought it was a novel about the tragic issue of flatulence brought about by drinking too much tea.

ETA: Read this stern warning against reading Christian romances: http://www.goodmorals.org/crystal.htm

ETA: *volatile clearly = complete maniac whom no woman should ever be in a relationship with. Unless he finds God and then it's all okay.
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
Photobucket

While 'researching'* for this I discovered the horrible and tragic affliction that affects so many men of the paranormal world: headlessness. And leglessness. For all that they get around a good deal and bed many lusty wenches. (Only, sadly, the books don't call them lusty wenches, instead they prefer horrific terms like 'lifemates' and 'bonded females.' I think I'd rather be called a lusty wench myself.) And, no, I have no idea why this guy is half blue. I suspect it has something to do with sex. And possibly the plague.

* And by research I mean I clicked through as many book covers as I could take. Which wasn't that many, but Amazon is now convinced that I only read either Latin texts or books about sex-mad vampires.

Sadly, unlike Cassie Edwards there are no startled vicars. More images under cut: not at all dial up friendly. )

Things!

Feb. 18th, 2008 10:50 pm
lesbiassparrow: (sparrow)
1. I have a post coming up filled entirely with the horrific covers for paranormal romances. Endless headless torsos of men and leering vampires.

2. I, um, really like that new Persuasion. Captain Wentworth is so pretty (and I rather like that he's much prettier than Anne)! And Brutus is Mr. Elliot! Admittedly, I could do without all the running, but then nothing is perfect. Look at the wonderfully pretty Captain Wentworth! (I am clearly cheaply purchased.)

3. I also like the 1995 one where everyone is a bit grubby and not that attractive but quite smashing nonetheless. But with both of them I am not that keen on how they deal with Mr. Elliot in the end. This one I think does the worst job, I'm afraid, despite being better far better written: 'He's lost all his money!' isn't terribly satisfying. I think what I like about Austen is that she doesn't always feel the need to satisfy our blood lust for the wicked characters.

4. Why are there so many quite popular actors who make dreadful movies? I don't mean dreadful in the sense of 'well, I am sure it seemed like a good idea on paper' dreadful, but 'no one in their right mind would willingly sign up for this project.' Yes, I am looking at Brendan Fraser, James Purefoy, Cuba Gooding Jr and many others. Were these men all in the same orgy with goats or something? Or do they only sign up for things when drunk?

5. I still haven't finished Winter Sonata but I am enthralled by its angstiness and woe and possible incest. Koreans know how to write wrong, wrong love. But I was horrified that everyone forgave horrible would be rapist fiance because he went on some mad hunger strike and ended up in hospital for love of the heroine.
lesbiassparrow: (Affronted by meganbmoore)
But not for the reasons that I am sure the publishers hoped for:



I wonder if he's called 'Manuel Manolito De La Cruz,' the somewhat unfortunately named hero of some other mad vampire book. Why am I driven to read descriptions of these books when I don't even like vampires as fictional characters all that much? I have issues, clearly.
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
Sometimes great books find great artists to illustrate them. Sometimes they have to do with inferior artwork. And sometimes terrible books get the art they deserve. Behold! I bring you the artwork of Cassie Edwards' ouevre. Plus my guesses at what the actual books are about.

Photobucket.

In this touching tale of the old west the heroine swoons because the hero has a bigger chest than her. 'Don't worry!,' He tells her, 'it's amazing how much bustier you can look with implants and thrusting your nipples forward at everyone!'

Oh, there's much worse behind this cut. But you know you want to click )

Also you should all go to [livejournal.com profile] meganbmoore's journal and read the moving story of
Mighty Wang and Busty Girl
as retold by her from a Cassie Edwards' novel.

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