lesbiassparrow: (love is never wrong pink)
[personal profile] lesbiassparrow

Let's start with the Christian Viking romances, shall we?

Well, he may have Viking pride, but who on earth would find this face attractive? Sadly, I suspect this is what the average captive maiden had to look forward to, rather than the nippleathon that most romance novels offer.

Another Christian one! I really have no idea what is going on here. Why is he holding her over the water? As shark bait? Why are they in the world's smallest Viking boat? What happened to the other Vikings? Did they eat them? THESE QUESTIONS MUST BE ANSWERED. But not by reading the book, because I am too cheap.

I had a whole narrative written for this one, where a nearly naked Viking sails out of the past and abducts an Amish bride, who not unnaturally is unwilling. But still she cannot stop herself from touching his oiled, hairless chest...but she must! For he knows not the ways of Christ! And unless she can find a willing minister she is doomed for ever to Christian virginhood or sinful lust! What will she do????? (Going by the picture I think she is going for lust and sin with added repentance.)

But then my entire theory was thrown off by this picture. Here the unwilling wife is clearly dressed like a HUSSY. And she is letting the Viking touch her NAKED LEG. Sin! Sin! Sin!

Well, at least he wasn't waving his sword at her in a phallic extravaganza of unparalleled proportions.

And he's got nothing on Fabio, who, um, seems to be experiencing a great deal of pleasure as he handles his sword.

But the queen of the Viking romance genre seems to be Sandra Hill; by my estimation she has written about 50 thousand of them, all manly, mulleted and endowed with glistening chests that you could use as a lighthouse. In fact, it is a little know fact that every Viking ship kept a semi-naked well-oiled Viking to bounce rays off and thus communicate with other Vikings. It saved the embarassment of heading in to pillage and rape somewhere that had just been pillaged and raped and hadn't had time to restock the nunneries.

Sometimes they could chain him up like this for laughs. "Oh Olaf," they would say playfully, "let us lash you up for a bit! Just to add to the erotic thrill of being a Viking and Vikinging!"

Other times they'd just stand in ice caves with no clothes on. Just to show how manly they were. No wonder he's bloody blue with only a scrap of fur across his chest

Ah, your typical Viking. Bare chested, waxed and oiled, and facing the wrong way. Surely he should be waving that battleaxe at the other ship, rather than his own? And how exactly is this alluring? The guy wants to chop your head off. Is there a decapitation fetish I have not heard of among romance novel readers?

You know how sometimes it’s not enough to be a Viking? You have to be more manly than that? This is the book that dares to go there. He’s a Viking and a werewolf! That’s superawesome and erotic, right?

This wonder by the author of Ravished by a Viking promises so much. A guy in a tiny skirt who appears to want to stab you. And what more could any woman want?

This poor Viking can't even affort a skirt. Or trousers. He had to kill a wolf and tie it around his hips. And the for the life of me I can't work out what this scene is a prelude to, other than some sort of ballet or ice dance move. Or maybe they're both virgins and haven't quite worked out how this sex thing works.

I left out The Virile Viking cover. You can thank me for that later.
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August 2011

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