In which I recycle an old post: shipping from beyond the grave!

[lesbiassparrow]

A while back I wrote this while inspired by massive internet meltdown over JK Rowling's choice of 'ships in Harry Potter 6: The One Where She Disappointed Fans Who Ship Harry and Hermione. And inspired by misscam's reports on CSI fandom and the shipper implosion there, I decided to revive it.  Because somehow that made sense in my head.

Without further ado

I announce a new shamelessly recycled fan campaign. Why should we stop with demanding the ship of our choice in books written by living authors? That's for those who want to take the easy route. I'm not going to be defeated by death!

So I plan on hiring a medium (well, maybe it will just be me and a ouija board) to contact deceased authors and demand they write the 'ships that I want.

The campaign will include (but is not limited to) contacting the following authors who didn't do what I wanted totally screwed up their destined lovers. I will demand they end their novels with the following people riding off into the sunset of passion and shagging (not necessarily in that order):

1. Jane Austen: Fanny Price and Henry Crawford in Mansfield Park
2. Louisa May Alcott: Jo and Laurie in Little Women
3. Samuel Richardson: Clarissa Harlowe and Lovelace in Clarissa 
4. Tess and that guy in Tess of the D'Ubervilles. Way to screw that one up, Thomas Hardy.

I will take other suggestions, including Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley in Pride and Prejudice (You know they were totally doing the love that dare not speak its name until that cow Elizabeth came along and ruined things) or any other pairing that people feel like mentioning.

*Weeps* Won't anyone think of the classic fictional lovers?*

Feel free to promote my totally insane brilliant idea! It's all about the fans, baby.

*This also applies to cancelled TV series.  Disappointed Spike and Buffy didn't get together and have babies in the end?  We can summon up the spirits of the past and get the writers to change history.

Comments

[k-julia.livejournal.com]

Wouldn't it be cool if we could get a ship war going over Vanity Fair? *g*

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

OMG YOU H0R, Emily is totally a twit and Dobbin should have hooked up with Becky because they would have RULED THE UNIVERSE.

[lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com]

Dobbin wuz not in luv with grls. BECAUSE THAT'S NASTY.

[k-julia.livejournal.com]

You PERVERT. Must you go ruin my fandom with your dirty, dirty slash?!11!

[lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com]

PREJUDISM!!!!!!!

Feel the man love!

[k-julia.livejournal.com]

Stop pushing your gay homosexual agenda! This book is read in schools!

[lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com]

YOU WANT TO BAN GAY LOVE FROM SCHOOLS! FASCIST!!!!!!!!!

[k-julia.livejournal.com]

YOU JUST WANT TO BRAINWASH THEM ALL SO THEY ALL WANT TO HAVE PERVERT BUTTSEX!!! AND I WANT TO DECIDE IF MY CHILDREN EVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT1!!11!!

[lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com]

YOU HAVE DISCOVERED MY EVIL PLOT1!!!. OH NOES.

[k-julia.livejournal.com]

You BITCH, so you're saying only BITCHES can get themselves a man?! Becky is such a slut and would have made him KILL HIMSELF WITH SHAME, so THERE.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

At least Becky isn't STUPID. Amelia has to follow along with her finger when reading "A is for Apple". Amelia is so stupid she never notices that her betrothed was a TOTAL MAN-WHORE.

Dobbin is kind and sweet and does not deserve to be tied to a bowl of cold porridge.

[k-julia.livejournal.com]

Have we read the same BOOK? You are TOO STUPID. I don't talk to people who have such a funny sense of what should happen to good people, you're all wasting my time! GO GET A LIFE!*

*This is, I suppose, my way of saying that I can't really counter the stupidity argument, and I only have to think of Emmy and her son to make me want to slap her, albeit gently. Alas, my troops are slain, my horse is dead, and I concede defeat.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

beats your horse

[k-julia.livejournal.com]

AND CRUEL TO ANIMALS, TOO. Even dead ones. Have you no shame?

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

I AM NEVER COMING BACK TO THIS FANDOM AGAIN. I'M DELETING ALL MY FIC, TOO.

YOU ARE JUST LIKE A HIGH-SCHOOL CLIQUE, AND I'M NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANY MORE.

[k-julia.livejournal.com]

OMG DRAMA QUEEN! NOBODY WILL MISS YOUR FIC ANYWAY, BECAUSE DOBBIN HAVEING SEX WTTH BECKY IN THE CARRIAGE IS TOTALY OUT OF CHARRACTER!!

[lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com]

Oh, a Victorian novel ship war! Now that would be fun.

I've really got some things to say about The Woman in White.

It could be a repetition of the time many years ago I saw an academic Austen list go down hard in a flame war ('you've got Austen's symbolism ALL WRONG.' 'I'd like to know what version of Emma they have in your state.' etc.)

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

Oh, all the strong dark women who are unmarriageable. Cora in The Last Mohican (and isn't it fascinating that they flipped the roles in the movie!) Marian in The Woman In White. The Countess (is it?) in The Age of Innocence.

Assertive and passionate:: destined to be the only person standing on the sidelines at Happy Ending time. By contrast, even a Gilbert and Sullivan contralto usually gets paired with *somebody*.

[lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com]

I am ashamed to admit I have never read Last of the Mohicans. Or even seen the film.

I think Collins isn't as bad in some of his other works. Doesn't the passionate woman in No Name end up with someone? I haven't read that in ages, though, so I could be delusional.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

> Last of the Mohicans

No, don't. Go reread Twain's "The Literary Sins of Fenimore Cooper". It's much better.

The movie, however... oh, God, Daniel Day-Lewis running through the forest, wig streaming, wearing a loincloth. And both the villain and the title Last of The guy are hotties. And there's this scene with DDL and the heroine by firelight up against a wall... wibble.

[lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com]

Go reread Twain's "The Literary Sins of Fenimore Cooper". It's much better.

Thanks for the rec. And for saving me from Last of the Mohicans being one of the books I was planning on taking on holiday with me.

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

One of the great critical essays of all time.

http://users.telerama.com/~joseph/cooper/cooper.html

By the time Twain is through, Fenimore Cooper is not only flayed and boned, but ground, made into sausage, and tossed on the rubbish heap.

[lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com]

I'm not even through the first paragraphs and it's hilarious. Thank you!