lesbiassparrow: (Sacred chickens)
For definitions of excellent that involve taking history and trampling all over it like an elephant over lilies.

First, the not-dead Octavian has been discovered. Tyrannus has decided he wants to die. In the arena. Mark Antony is now taunting him. Or possibly just wibbling. I can't decide. Rapax has turned up to snag the wayward vestal virgin; just in time, given that she and Octavian were making goggly eyes at each other and the virgin bit was tottering. And given that they buried devirginized vestals alive, that is a dangerous state for one of them to be in.

ETA: LOOK AT MY AWESOME ICON MADE BY THE AWESOME [livejournal.com profile] queenofthorns. Take heed. THE SACRED CHICKENS GET THEIR REVENGE. ALWAYS.

ETA 1: Tryannus in a moment of despair has gone over to Antony. So Octavian is down a vestal and a gladiator. And now Octavian is off asking for Cicero's help. He needs his voice! Cicero appears keener on gardening.

ETA 2: In an improbable event even for this improbable show, Cicero, Agrippa and Octavian have been captured by Caesar's legendary lost legion. Which apparently wants to cut off Octavian's head because he decimated their legion. So they vanished into the mist. THE MISTS OF ITALY. Or possibly Asia, because now they're talking about Mithradates.

ETA 3: Now there is a manly face off between Octavian and Tyrannus. TRAGICALLY THEY ARE ON DIFFERENT SIDES. Some good nostril flaring as well.

ETA 4: So, I could tell you what is happening but I don't think you'd believe it. Even after all I've posted. But I am disappointed that they didn't have the guts to have Octavian and Tyrannus kill Antony...at the battle of Mutina. I mean, why stop there? Did they suddenly discover some part of historical integrity or did they think they might be a sequel. EMPIRE II: THE EMPIRING.

ETA 5: So...somehow, quite remarkably, they've decided that Vesta and Minerva are the same goddess. Oh and Augustus won't get his vestal because he's made her head of the order. THE TRAGEDY. Because she wasn't off-limits enough as a regular vestal. But Tyrannus is off to be with his kid. So someone is happy, at least. Well, Cicero appeared remarkably happy for a person who once called Octavian a murderous youth. So, yay, Cicero?

ETA 6 And so it is done. I also have The Last Legion to watch but I'm afraid that if I do so right away my head might explode.
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
Servillia is now evil and snogging Cassius. In front of Brutus. Who tried to send her off for olives to forestall this. Now Brutus is magically the Pontifex Maximus and looks about as delighted at this as he was at Cassius and his mum snogging.

ETA 1: IN THE DUNGEONS THEY CALL OCTAVIAN PLEASURE BOY. AND TO STOP HIM BEING KILLED TYRANNUS MUST CLAIM HIM AS HIS PROPERTY. A billion fanficcers heads just exploded. And Octavian is tending him with care after he suffered so Octavian would not be killed. It's like every slash fantasy right on the screen.

ETA 2: Octavian may have to betray Tyrannus. Nooooo! Don't do it!

Seriously, people, THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME THING EVER. IT HAS TOTALLY CHANGED MY VIEW OF ROME.

ETA 3: It saddens me to report that no one wears togas properly in any of these things. ONLY A BARBARIAN WOULD USE A PIN TO KEEP A TOGA TOGETHER. NEXT THING YOU KNOW THEY'LL BE WEARING THOSE NEW SILK, SEE-THROUGH TOGAS. LIKE PLEASURE BOYS.

ETA 4: Well General Magonius didn't last long. Now he is dead like a dead thing and Octavian (sweet-smelling boy that he is) is sad. Though a hideous guard has taken to calling him little flower. So...that's nice, right? Everyone likes flowers? (Except for Octavian who just bashed his head in with a rock.)

ETA 5. RIGHT IN THE DUNGEONS OF COMBAT TYRANNUS JUST DID HIS SIGNATURE SWORD SWISHING MOVEMENT. AND NOW THERE IS A SLAVE RIOT. Can someone standing up and saying "I'm Spartacus" be far behind? WORDS ALONE CANNOT EXPRSS WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SHOW THIS IS. I loves it, I do. It is my precious.

ETA 6. Because Cassius is evil he has hired master assassins from overseas to kill Octavian (they come with a lot of animal skins and giant teeth hanging around their necks). What an underhanded wanker. Also the omens are bad according to the voiceover. You think?

ETA 7. In my fantasy casting Fiona Shaw is Fulvia. YES, YOU HEARD ME. FIONA SHAW IS FULVIA. Oh, and so you don't lose track of Octavian's fragrant life, he's now having a bath with Antony.

ETA 8: Well I had hopes that this party would turn into an orgy, but I was lied to. They tossed some women dressed in fruit at me and then backed down. OMG FULVIA HAS JUST SAID "I ALWAYS LEAVE BEFORE THE ORGY." Words to live by.

ETA 9: Because I believe these posts should be educational, I shall share with you this titbit of knowledge: the later (very briefly) emperor Otho shared his wife and his secret of perfuming his feet with Nero. No word on which Nero enjoyed more. THE MORE YOU KNOW. And a request to the icon makers on my flist: can someone make me an icon of an angry chicken with the words "never mess with the sacred chickens" on it? I feel having such an icon would make my life better. And possibly the universe. Because sacred chickens are awesome. Just awesome. THEY MAY BE CHICKENS BUT THEY HAVE A DIRECT LINE TO THE GODS. YOU MESS WITH THEM AT YOUR PERIL.

ETA 10: Finally we have achieved an orgy. And Antony is looking shifty. YOu shouldn't have signed away stuff to him in the event of your death, Octavian. And sent off Tyrannus. You've really only got yourself to blame.

ETA 11. SEE? THERE'S BEEN A MASSACRE BY MEANS OF SNAKES. 40 ROMANS DEAD. ALL THE CAESARIANS. Antony is pretty happy, though. You know what the worst of it is, though? OCTAVIAN WAS WEARING LONG JOHNS. WHAT RESPECTABLE ROMAN WEARS LONG JOHNS?
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
Did you know Caesar was magic? Even dead he doesn't decompose! Or get smelly! Or have flies buzzing around. Also he sacrificed his ENTIRE LIFE for Rome. Poor man: forced into being a sole ruler when all he probably wanted to do was grow cabbages and write on them like Cato the Elder. (Cato had a perfect fetish for cabbages and wrote at lenght about their marvellous curative properties. You'd probably have a leg cut off and he'd be trying to wrap it up in cabbage leaves.)

ETA: Cicero as action man! He's come to the rescue of Octavian! Oooh, Cassius is threatening Cicero. But Cicero is giving as good as he gets. Even when he is threatened with death. Cassius tells him he is a mouth that flaps. Better men than you have said that and regretted it.

ETA 2: I am amused that Tyrannus and Octavian fled for days only to...end up in Rome. I know all roads led there, but this is ridiculous.

ETA 3: Well, the guy who plays Antony does good crazy eyes. Really good ones. The mob has gone crazy! They're about to burn Caesar in the Forum. At least it's better than using the senate house, which served for Clodius Pulcher's pyre. It is a pretty sad pyre though. Mainly twigs and one cart and about 2 foot high.

ETA 3: Hey! Cicero is in the temple of Vesta. THE GODS WILL BE FURIOUS. The last man in there - who was in there to rescue sacred objects when it went on fire - went blind as a result. THERE ARE NOW COMBAT DUNGEONS. WHERE THEY TRAIN GLADIATORS. Apparently only 1 in a 100 survive. That's worse odds of survival than for eunuchs. Which, by the way, were the most expensive slaves you could get because the survival rate was so low.

ETa 4: RAPAX LIVES UP TO HIS NAME. HE HAS SMASHED HIS WAY INTO THE HOUSE OF THE VESTALS. THERE IS SHRIEKING.

ETA 5: So T+O are off to General Magonius. And in about 2 seconds they have been taken prisoner as slaves. HOW HE WILL SUFFER. Rapax is back causing trouble at the temple of Vesta because...well he is EVIL. Like the Senate. The key is in the name.

ETA 6: I can imagine them plotting this out. Scene 57. The combat dungeons. The sweet-smelling Octavian is thought to be a male whore. He must learn how to be a slave and stop smelling so nice. Etc. Etc.
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
This looks good. The corrupted Senate created gladiatorial shows to distract the people from how awesome Caesar was. I have been promised that somehow this brought down the Republic.

IT IS THE AGE OF THE GLADIATOR. And Octavian is french-kissing some girl. That seems more like him in his youth. BTW, did you know they had refs in gladiatorial shows? They did. It would have stopped the shenanigans in this one where someone attacked before the other was ready. And then somehow mysteriously waited for him to draw his swords. CAESAR IS UPSET ABOUT SUCH THINGS. AND PEOPLE GANGING UP ON GLADIATORS.

ETA: Gladiator who triumphed was not celebrated until he had twirled his swords in some awesome show of something or other. Then they cheered. (I think people often have the wrong idea aobut such shows. People wanted skill not just butchery - they got that at other parts of the games. Where they were just going for blood and guts were the executions of condemned prisoners (which were on in the afternoon break.) Famous gladiators were bloody expensive and you didn't just want them butchered.

ETA 1: Tyrannus the Gladiator has just come upon the (nearly) dead Caesar who has told him to look after Octavian. WHO WILL SAVE ROME. He must teach him how to fight! And rule!

ETA 2: Just so you know that the senate is EVIL they have hired someone named RAPAX. RAPAX. I am not sure that Caesar hiring a Tyrannus is any better, but apparently it is. Now the Senate is going off to kill Caesar's family. INCLUDING THE WIMMIN. NOT THE WIMMIN! I EXPECT TO SEE CICERO KICKING SMALL CHILDREN IN THE FACE SOON.

ETA 3: No! Cicero is the voice of reason for a second! Also although Tyrannus is a slave he a) lives in his own home and b) has a wife and kiddie (also slaves) whom he can send off to Cyprus. Pretty flexible master he has.

ETA 4: Voiceover announces that the trials of Octavian have begun. And he rides off to the music from Born Free. And now the EVIL SENATORS are meeting in...the Senate Crypt. And being evil and stuff. Really evil.

ETA 5: Booorn Freeee. Freee as the wind. And so forth. The senate BECAUSE IT IS EVIL is killing Caesarians. And burning down towns. DO YOU KNOW THEY ARE EVIL? We also get to see the total breakdown of law and order with people OVERTURNING CARTS. NOT CARTS, YOU SAY. YES. A ROMAN CAN'T EVEN PROTECT HIS CARTS.

ETA 6: They have tossed Caesar's sister into a cage. A CAGE. It's a total breakdown of all the values that make Rome great. They'll be breaking into the Temple of Vesta soon. AND OCTAVIAN HAS BEEN BETRAYED BY THE GIRL HE LOVES. AND IS ABOUT TO GET LUCKY. OR UNLUCKY, IF YOU COUNT HER SENDING FOR SOLDIERS TO KILL HIM.

ETA 7: OCTAVIAN IS WEARING TROUSERS! See how evil the Senate is? They forced him to wear trousers as he fled! No Roman should have to endure such things.

ETA 8. Sorry. BUT THIS GOOD STUFF. Cicero is a Caesarian. And smuggling his will into the temple of Vesta. And I think Cassius is about to do something else evil. BECAUSE HE'S AN EVIL SENATOR.

Empire

Jul. 12th, 2005 10:34 pm
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
I'm watching this for the first time. It's total cheesy goodness. 'I always leave before the orgy,' indeed. Pity though that it humanizes that little fascist Octavian. Obviously they never read Ronald Syme's The Roman Revolution. And he needs to be more cunning - Octavian didn't become Augustus by being naive.

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