lesbiassparrow: (Sacred chickens)
Last night I saw Transformers 3. I apologise for my money contributing to the fact that there will be a fourth film in this series. I really do. You all know how I have no taste, right, so it takes a lot for me to say this, but this is the single dumbest, oddest film I have ever seen. There is no plot. None at all. There's not even an attempt at one. Okay there's the moon and something with robots from space, but when a film doesn't even make a cursory effort to link scenes together or follow up on any plot points, then you can safely say that it is a melange of plotlessness never before seen in a 200 million dollar Hollywood venture. This film has been deplotted to an extent rarely seen outside films where some guy making balloons wanders in and out of scenes asking 'Where is the cheese? I must have cheese for my moustache!' all while water drips in the background in tune to Beethoven's Eroica.

It's like surrealist cinema with explosions. And rather creepy robots, who appear to have a rather sexualised interest in the The Girl. I can't remember her name, but it doesn't matter because her sole talent was keeping her jacket spotlessly white in the midst of Chicago being blown up and falling through buildings. And shrieking really loudly. REALLY LOUDLY. As for her acting...well, I never thought I'd say this, but I spent the entire time longing for Megan Fox to appear and shove her down a well. I should learn the actress' name so I can be sure to avoid any film in which she appears in the future. (ETA: And The Girl was also about the worst human being ever. No, really. She was worse than cut for spoiler, but honestly I'd be doing you a favour by spoiling you. And I'm not sure you can spoil a film that has no plot )

As for the rest, well, the film's major issue is that it takes a remarkably long time for them to start blowing things up. This is not good, because it gives you time to think (thinking which your brain tries to short-circuit as a survival mechanism). And thinking leads to you wondering why X scene has suddenly morphed into Y scene with absolutely no explanation of how you got from one to another. Or why there are no girl autobots or evil bots. Which, come to think of it, might explain the creepy interest in the girl. (And why do robots need gender anyway? And why do they have eyes and not some other sensor thingy? And where did all those people appear from? And why are they now in Africa? And....)*

The good part of the experience was that the film blanked out for a bit in the middle, so although they got it going again, I got a voucher for a free film.

ETA: You know how some people talk about how they'd give almost anything to talk to Socrates, or Buddha, or Issac Newton, or some other great thinker? I would honestly give up the chance to speak to any of these people (including Cicero) just to talk to Michael Bay about what the fuck this film was about.



*Brain runs off screaming

Sabretooth

Jun. 21st, 2011 08:27 pm
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
So I am watching this masterpiece of modern cinema, which I thought have the poor man's Josh Holloway and Ali Lautner in it. Imagine my horror when I realized that, yes, that wa the man himself trying to looking terrified by a CGI creation that wouldn't scare a baby rabbit. He also signal led strong emotion by head-scratching, which was an original move.

OMG IT ALSO HAS JONATHON RHYS-MYERS! That man must share an agent with Sean Bean.

ETA The sabretooth just ran off with a girl while Holloway looked on and scratched his head with deep emotion. It was very moving. Also there is some crazy hunter guy who has showed up.

ETA 2 Rhys-Myers just got eaten, which seems a bit greedy on the part of the animal, given that it just ate a lovely young woman. At this rate it will be tubby by the end of the film and it will be no bother to catch (I like to look on the positive side of these things).

ETA3 Bye-bye guy who thought he would fight a sabretooth with a knife. Ambitious, but foolish.

ETA4 It's not often I say this, but having a person dressed up in a sabretooth outfit would have better than this CGI. and just how much does one of these things eat, anyway? This one seems to have eaten 3 people in the space of an hour.

ETA5 So finally I have found a film worse than that one with Sean Bean and the zombies and the giant sloths. That's...something.

Skyline

Apr. 2nd, 2011 11:04 pm
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
It is quite remarkable to be 10 minutes into an alien invaders film and to already be rooting for the aliens to kill all the people you're supposed to want to survive.

ETA: Dumb and horrible people! Being eaten by aliens would be better than being stuck with them.

ETA 2: Right. In the middle of an alien invasion where people are being eaten left and right and you've seen some man's brain ripped out SECONDHAND SMOKE ENDANGERING YOUR BABY IS YOUR BIGGEST THREAT. The only one I like is the Hispanic building supervisor, but given how quickly they killed off the black guy I don't like his odds.

ETA 3: And power and water will stay magically on. Bespite most of LA being eaten.
lesbiassparrow: (love is never wrong)
OH MAN THIS WAS AMAZING! THE TOUCHING LOVE STORY OF A ROMAN OFFICER AND HIS BRITISH SLAVE AS THEY ENDURE THE WORLD'S WORST WEATHER IN SCOTLAND WHILE LOOKING FOR A LEGIONARY EAGLE.

Seriously, theirs was the gayest, gay love that I ever did see. The lighting even got soft as they looked longingly at each others lips amid the downpour that constantly beset Scotland. Mind you, they might have been forced into their love because apparently there were no women in Roman Britain. There were in non-Roman Scotland, but they were all grubby and related to people whose idea of a good time was to paint themselves in woad, get drunk and hit things with axes, so probably not very desirable. I did admire the people of Scotland's determination to wear as few clothes as possible while inhabiting the worst climate ever. You go, Scots! There is no flu that can fell you! Plus you have lots of lovely mud to wallow in and, according to this film, not much else. No horses. No sheep. I think there might have been one cow, but it looked like it was going into a decline.

PLEASE SOMEONE MAKE A SEQUEL WHERE THEIR ROMANCE CONTINUES! They could travel around rescuing eagles and being manly and apparently unkillable by hypothermia.

ETA: There's one scene where all the Celts are getting mad drunk before going off to do something related to initiation ritual or rolling around and pretending to be wolves, and they have them speaking Irish in the background (as well as subbed for the main speakers) and one man is asking another how many rooms a place has. WHILE THEY'RE SITTING IN THE MUD IN THIS ONE ROOMED CABIN IN A LAND THAT APPARENTLY VIEWS EXTRA ROOMS AS BEING OF THE DEVIL. I don't know why, but this was one of the highlights of the film for me. Always dreamers, those Celts! Keep trying, Mr. Woad Paint: one day you will have more than one room. One day... (But you know the person he was asking the question was going 'WTF? How many rooms do you think it has, given that we all live in bloody one room mud huts?')
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
Last night a friend came over for a bad movie night. We started with GI Joe,* followed with Showgirls and ended with Clash of the Titans. Complete with alternate ending courtesy of my new Blu-ray player. There were many themed drinks and I woke with something of a hangover, but that's not the point of this post.

OMFG, SHOWGIRLS. I had seen it once and clearly my brain just couldn't believe something could be that terrible because it had (perhaps mercifully) blurred the memory of its sheer awfulness. Even with most terrible films there is something where you can see that what they might have aiming at was decent or there's at least ONE scene where you don't roar with laughter at the stupidity of it all. But EVERY FUCKING SCENE IN SHOWGIRLS IS TERRIBLE. How is that even possible? How can there not be one moment that you think, well, this isn't painful to watch.



*Mini-ninjas are still awesome. Spark of genius.
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
From start to end this film is only rivaled by GI Joe for the sheer amount of joy it gave me; IF THERE WAS ORIGINALLY A DIFFERENT CONCEPT IT CLEARLY COULD ONLY BE INFERIOR. I know that from now on whenever I teach Perseus I am going to say 'Right, this is different from the movie BUT THE MYTH WOULD TOTALLY BE BETTER IF THERE WERE GIANT SCORPIONS AND PEOPLE SAYING 'RELEASE THE KRACKEN.'

Cut for spoilers. (But really with this sort of film I hardly think spoilers matter. )
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
This Terrence Malick film from 1978 is one of those films of Impending Doom. You know the sort: you can see the characters make small and large decisions that lead them down the path to certain disaster all without thinking that decision is the one that will destroy them. (Of course it isn't - it's the cumulative effect that gets you.) It's also remarkably beautiful with far more shots of corn than any film I've ever seen (or probably any film should have). But I will go so far as to say that those are the loveliest shots of corn fields ever made.

The story is pretty simple: in 1916 three working class people go on the run after the guy (Bill) accidentally kills his foreman in Chicago. He brings his little sister (Linda) and girlfriend (Abby) with him, but they pretend that Abby is his sister to avoid awkward questions. They end up as migrant workers on the farm of a wealthy man in the Texas Panhandle. (To my shame I thought that was the bit down the end, so kept wondering why all the corn until I looked it up. Don't blame me! I'm not from North America! I still have problems finding Idaho on a map!) The owner is dying and - I bet you could all see this coming - falls in love with Abby. Cue inevitable disaster + plague of locusts. No, really there is a plague of locusts. I thought that was a little much, especially with the fire and all the rest, but there you go. I don't direct films, so what do I know?

Read more )

Driven

Oct. 16th, 2009 10:04 pm
lesbiassparrow: (love is never wrong)
Just when you think that you have seen the most magnificently, beautifully awful films that the world can produce, you find a new one: Driven. This remarkable film was penned by and starred in by... [drumroll please] Slyvester Stallone. He plays an old race car driver called up to the front once more so he can be the gnarled and wise presence and also probably win the cup or something because, after all, he wrote it. I would tell you about its great moments of WTF genius but I don't know where to start. For once, a film has managed to silence me. I have no words. No words at all. Language has not yet been created to capture the horrors of this film.

I have seen pretentious people say this about things of major cultural significance, so I shall imitate them: Go. Watch. Your life will never be the same again.

ETA: I do not know the world of motor racing, but I think that if in your first year out you were coming second in the championship, your team would not fire you even if you started making errors. Especially if you were at all photogenic.

ETA 2: I should mention one WTF moment: the one where the main girl does a synchronized swimming routine. For no apparent reason. Just because there's a pool and such.
lesbiassparrow: (Affronted by meganbmoore)
On my flight back I finally watched this. I am sorry if you think it was a transcendent work of genius, but most of the time I kept thinking 'Bale flipped out over this? THIS? THIS?' I kept waiting for the scene that was supposed to be the emotional heart of the film to see if I could see any signs of incipient swearing and losing it on his part, but I couldn't work out which one that was, so eventually I gave up.

BUT, MY GOD, THE PLOT HOLES. I'm thinking that's where all the stress came - the actors wondering how on earth anyone was going to ignore the approximately 58 million things that either made no sense or had to conveniently occur for any semblance of plot progression.

Read more )
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
My deep, meaningful review:

1. I had forgotten this was the book where they all got hormones. Way to go, boys and girls! It was sort of fun to watch them.
2. It was not nearly as scary as the book
3. It pains me to say this, because I love the character but Emma Watson may well be the worst actress I have ever seen. Normally people get better over time: she has managed to stay the same through all six movies. When they were little kids it was sort of cute and, besides, none of the trio were very good, but while Radcliffe and Grint aren't exactly great actors as they've gotten a bit better Watson stands out more and more.

Wolverine

May. 2nd, 2009 10:32 pm
lesbiassparrow: (THEY MOVE LIKE COUGARS)
This is a great movie. A great, great movie. It is littered with much shrieking of manpain to the heavens and has absolutely no logic at all. That, my friends, is what makes it great. Where lesser films rely on plot and coherency, this one disdains such minor matters.

Spoilers, even though I don't think you can really spoil a movie like this. )
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
So, I'm watching this, despite the best efforts of my local independent DVD store* to give me a disk that required me to clean it several times and still gets stuck, and you know what? If an alien species that is clearly more powerful than you sends someone to your planet, shooting that person and then trying to kill them is probably not your best move. Unless they're a species of one, that is, and how likely is that? This film makes me root for the extinction of mankind and that probably is not a good thing.

ETA: I'm thinking my first move would to offer the alien a nice cup of tea or a drink. Maybe some homemade scones. And if I decided to go the shooting route, once I'd realized that everything I was doing was making things worse, I'd think about stopping. Just for a bit.

ETA 2: In this film it's like all of humanity got hit twice with the stupid stick. And then hit some more for good measure.

*Speciality: renting DVDs that don't play and never refunding your money. It's chain store from now on for me.

Watchmen

Apr. 1st, 2009 09:41 am
lesbiassparrow: (THEY MOVE LIKE COUGARS)
This might have been a good movie if:

1. It had been about an hour shorter. Seriously? You made a movie about a giant blue guy and his issues that ran to what felt like 15 hours but what my watch assured me was around 3? I KNOW THERE WERE OTHER THINGS BUT MAINLY ALL I REMEMBER IS THE ENORMOUS BLUE GUY. WITH HIS ENORMOUS TACKLE.
2. Giant blue guy had talked faster. His entire backstory wouldn't have taken FOREVER if he hadn't talked like this: So...yeah...in...the...past....I...totally...did...things...and...then...I...did...some...other...things...and...etc . Also, I did not actually feel the need to find out everyone's back story. Don't be afraid to leave some mystery!
3. A better script. I don't know if they used lines from the comic or not, but whatever they did it wasn't good. Though, fair enough, they did share the bad writing amongst all the cast.
4. Less of enormous blue schlong. I appreciate that you are probably telling me something important about giant blue guy's lack of human values, but I got it by the third time it wandered into view.
5. One ending. You know, everything in a narrative does not have to be resolved. You can leave some loose ends. It's not Lord of the Rings and I don't actually have to see people sail off to the west just to be happy.
6. Been vastly less self-important. I've seen less self-important Tolstoy adaptations.

And maybe it's just me, but I'm tired of the way that all cities look the same in superhero films. It's like there's one giant ur-city that they're pulling from and now whenever a character turns down a dark alley it will always look the same and have the same thugs and the same dumpster and even the same puddles of water.

Regarding the misogyny and politics, I have mixed feelings. I go into these films pretty much expecting what I got here, so I was't surprised (which is depressing when I think about it). In fact, I don't really think it was that much different from The Dark Knight in that respect. And it might even have been a bit better than Sin City.
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
So, is there a good reason why Otis in Barnyard has a guy's voice but is a girl cow? Or is there some insane freakish thing out there where people don't know that that boy cows don't have udders?

ETA: Okay, Barnyard is one creepy animated film. I will have nightmares about mad gender confused livestock for weeks.
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
Why did no one tell me how awesomely bad Eragon is? It's a magnificent waste of Jeremy Irons (did the man learn NOTHING from Dungeons and Dragons?) and John Malkovich and some assorted other people. I FUCKING LOVE HOW THE DRAGON GROWS UP IN THREE SECONDS IN THE AIR AS OUR HERO TRIES TO 'ACT'.

THE TIME OF THE DRAGON RIDERS IS HERE AGAIN, PEOPLE. I SHALL ENJOY GETTING DRUNK TO THIS, THANK YOU IN DEMAND.

ETA; OH, HERO, WHOEVER YOU ARE, I LOVE YOUR 'ANGER' THAT MAKES ANAKIN'S LOOK WELL ACTED. PLEASE TELL ME THE BOOK IS THIS CRAP.

ETA 2: Er, am I supposed to like the hero? Because he's all sorts of awful times x100 with an added pile of stupid just for effect. BUT LOLZ ON 'I CAN'T BE ONE WITH YOU MY DRAGON YET.' That's all sort of kinky.
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
I must post to say how horrific that new film 'Nights in Rodanthe' looks. STOP SHOWING TRAILERS THAT MAKE ME WANT TO STAB ALL THE CHARACTERS, THNX.
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
Well, I didn't like that very much at all. No, in fact, I think I can say that I probably actively dislike that film. All 15 hours of it.*

We did get trailers for several no doubt thrilling films including the new Terminator one, the Watchmen one, and Keanu Reeves being an alien. Hopefully with a giant robot. And (how could I forget!) the one with Robert Downey Jr. in blackface and Jack Black. I look forward to them all (well, not the last one) but somehow I can't help remembering that there used to be a time when people made films with women in them. With lines and everything. And - you may laugh at me, you young 'uns who did not live then - the woman got to be the hero and even do things.


*Things I liked included Michael Caine and Gary Oldman who is finally totally forgiven for being in that terrible Dracula and playing the Count with that bum on his head.

Wall-e!

Jun. 30th, 2008 07:59 pm
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
I haven't loved something so much for a long time. I will never confirm it but there may have been a tear or two.

Also, I have been wondering if it would be truly evil to send my (never to be finished) copy of Twilight as part of a care package to a friend working in the Amazon. I resisted the temptation for the first package but I keep thinking about how it will remind her that she might not be missing much in popular culture.
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
I feel like many of the people in 3:10 to Yuma are not very bright. I am spending a lot of time shouting at the screen as they do stupid thing after stupid thing.
lesbiassparrow: (Default)
I find those magazine cover stories about celebrity marriages really, really funny. You know the ones I mean, where they have headlines like 'How Sexy Star x keeps their marriage fresh and exciting' after 'Sexy Star X' has been married for all of one year. Because keeping the magic alive for 12 whole months is an achievement to to celebrated! But my particular love is for those ones that interview a star, talk about their deep and obvious love for their partner (usually with a comment like 'I felt like I was intruding on something so special that it should be surrounded with unicorns and rainbows and put in the constitution of 12 countries so true was their totally awesome love for each other') that hit the world either shortly before or at the same time as the announcement of their break up. I know one should not get entertainment out of other people's misery but I can't help but find it massively giggle-inducing. And you know that after this crushing experience they will go on to say the same things/have the same cover story about the next person who will also be the love of ages.

I also enjoy it when reviewers clearly hate the film they are forced to sit through. Like Peter Bradshaw's vitriolic review of Wanted in today's Guardian "You could gargle bitumen and bin-juice for half an hour, and it couldn't leave a nastier taste in your mouth than this macho action thriller about a secret fraternity of assassin" is only his opening salvo.

I'm off to kick some puppies now, I think.

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