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Apparently, God wants you to marry an ugly pirate. Though I must say that I commend Christian romances for bringing back pirates into romance. Complete with massive, er, swords.

Christian women have a phenomenally large number of encounters with pirates on the high seas. Arrgh, mateys! It is almost enough to get me going back to church. See? God's work is done!

I also learned of the wonders of Lori Wick and her floating Christian women smiling beatifically. However, I draw your attention to the shockingly phallic candle. I am already writing my letter of complaint.

How poor were the Donavans? So poor they couldn't afford a name for their daughter. They just used to refer to her as 'you, there.' Thank the Lord she was clearly too stupid to notice. But she didn't need brains! She had the voice of God to keep her spirits up!

Christian romances sure are fond of disembodied females. But I really trust a woman named Wanda E. Brunsetter to tell me a godly story. Plus look at that female! Properly covered and modest! Even if I think there's something suspicious about the look of ecstasy on her face. Pray tell, what's going on there, Wanda?

Nothing says I am ready to feel the hand of the Lord bless this relationship like a steamy jungle. I have it on good authority that underneath those clothes those people are NAKED. And look at how his hand is shockingly touching her. For shame!

And in this one she is shamelessly fondling his hat! Is nothing sacred? Will this not lead our daughters and sisters away from the flower of purity? When the Lord calls you, Beverly Lewis, I hope you have an explanation!

Here we are on more familiar territory. Men with swords (big ones!) and the flaxen haired maidens who love them. But only in a chaste and maidenly way that Jesus would approve of! But, boy, that's one giant sword.

As sure as dawn that spear is not at suggestive! That angle means nothing! Tragically, I think that if I ever want to read about gladiators getting it one with lusty wenches Christian maidens of pure hearts and good characters I will have to read books like this.

See what I mean? I bet she's some mad Greek female who has seen the lord and whom a Roman praetor falls in love with only to find that she cannot be bought! He will then spend at least 100 pages trying to seduce her only to save her from the lions in page 250. After that they and Saint Thecla will fight off man-eating seals for money in the Eastern provinces.

The Night Angel. That's what we used to call old Maude, yes sir! She was always wandering in the forest, waving that lamp to lure men to their death! But only the ones who didn't worship the Lord! The godly ones she left alone. It's a bit of a pity that she defined 'Godly' as men who didn't ride horses at night, but you can't have everything. (Also, Sophia Miles: I really think your career is strong enough that you can give up posing for Christian romances now)

Okay, this one was in the Christian section at Amazon but I feel there must be some error. Especially as the heroine was pregnant before marriage. And he's clearly very much naked. That's more flesh on show there than the entirety of all Christian romances ever written right there. And those flames? Clearly the fires of hell.

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August 2011

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