lesbiassparrow

I just watched this offering by CBC and it was one of those compellingly awful things that one feels an almost instant desire to rewatch (or maybe that's just me?). My favourite bits were the parts where everyone thought that Judah was the Roman Admiral's catamite, though Admiral was 'no, we're just companions.' because that will set everyone's mind at rest, Mr. Admiral Guy.

It also had Lana from Smallville in it, but she didn't have much to do except get stuck in jail and have miraculously cured leprosy. She did that bit as well as one could.

ETA: Also, forgot to say that there was quite a bit of excellent man-painy screaming and wailing to the heavens, if you like that sort of thing. And if you don't like that sort of thing, then I feel deep sorrow for you.

ETA 2: To date, bits of Ben Hur I have rewatched: all scenes between admiral and Ben Hur. Ben Hur's shrieking manpain outside his abandoned house. Athena telling Ben Hur in bed that this is not a sprint. Actually, all the Athena scenes as well.

ETA 3: Things to say while floating on a bit of wood in the Mediterranean:

Admiral: "Maybe I ordered you unchained because I liked the way you ate grapes."
Judah: WTF?*
Admiral: "Oh yeah, and if that's a Roman ship you've just seen you can come and be my body servant."
Judah: Kinda hoping it's pirates.*

Judah replies not actual part of script. But should have been.

ETA 4: "He's no gladiator, he's my body-servant." <---- ACTUAL LINE IN SCRIPT. I want this on an icon of Ben 'we're just companions' Hur

ETA 5: Every moment that passes is a moment where I reflect on the tragic fact that none of you has probably seen the awesomeness that is this version of Ben Hur. I wish the raft scene was on Youtube so I could show you how amazing it was. A THING OF BEAUTY. THE PEOPLE IN THIS SHOULD FIGHT THE PEOPLE FROM CLASH OF THE TITANS AND THEN THE WINNERS COULD RIDE OFF ON GIANT SCORPIONS. (I must say that I do find it a bit creepy that the message Ben Hur + Esther apparently got from all the crucifixion of Jesus was 'let's snog.' But then I suppose that's better than 'let's go out and kill people.'

I have only seen 10 minutes of this and already I can feel the urge to screen cap so I can share with you the sheer terrific ugliness of the first Romans and their clothing. What a knock-kneed bunch they were.

But I am most excited that this one has Roger Moore in it. Yes, that Roger Moore: the Saint, James Bonds, etc. was once Romulus, a roguish first king of Rome. Sadly, he is not all oiled up but I have hopes.

ETA: Romulus is wearing (what else) a very short tunic. He is also a) a bit of a wanker but b) king of ugliest bunch of men I've ever seen. No wonder the Romans couldn't get women.

Ummm. So I don't think I'll be screencapping this one despite the fact that I want Nero's giant throne. It is altogether quite weird and most of the script directions (if they had any) must have been of this sort 'then they throw back their heads and laugh merrily' even when the actors are all in prison and expecting certain death. And 10 gladiators and only one woman? This is not going to end well.

Also, they cheaped out on the oiling of chests which is very wrong. Very, very wrong. I can only hope that 'Romulus and the Sabines' is better and has many shiny, well-oiled men.

ETA: Oooh Tigellinus and Glaucus appear to be having a 'shortest tunic in Rome' competition and Tigellinus has also bumped off Poppaea. I have also seen a unibrowed Roman senator. Maybe the senate will turn out to be made up of werewolves?

ETA 2: now we have Christians! Yay, Christians!

ETA 3: Glaucus, owner of the shortest tunic in Rome, has now been tossed in the water and is fighting it out while his, er, midget is being fondled by one of the gladiators. I swear I couldn't make this stuff up. Of course, everyone is laughing merrily.

ETA 4: Galba makes a late entry into the shortest tunic in Rome competition. Good try but not close.

I went to Best Buy to see if I could find the second Bourne movie. I was denied but then they decided to offer up something even better: Warriors, a 50 movie DVD set of exciting films from the 50s and 60s. It includes such wonders as Mole Men Against the Son of Hercules, Cleopatra's Daughter, Fury of Achilles, Devil of the Desert Against the Son of Hercules... The list of wonders never really stops with 50 movies of this sort.

I MAY NEVER LEAVE MY HOUSE AGAIN.

If I were you I'd defriend me now and save yourself the inevitable posts about precisely when Cleopatra had time to have a daughter and* what Roger Moore is doing in a tunic and sandals. The Spring Waltz subtitling crisis will be as nothing to compared to this.

Oh, and I got the second season of Rome (they have it for $60 if you're thinking about getting it) but that is a trifling thing compared to the glories that await me with my 50 movies of completely inauthentic and cheaply filmed classical action.

* Let's pretend I never forgot about Cleopatra's daughter, shall we? I plan on denying it if anyone ever brings it up.