lesbiassparrow | Entries tagged with robin hood

As someone who watched EVERY episode of that terrible, terrible WB Tarzan, I do not say this lightly: Robin Hood may well be the worst show I have ever seen. GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD. GET IT OUT.

I was, however, entertained by the dancing Saracen assassin girls. You certainly don't see that in every Robin Hood story.

I should be working but instead I am mulling over how very terrible Robin Hood is. Sorry if you like it and the actor but I think a lot of its problems can be summed up in two words: Robin Hood. There: I never thought I'd see a Robin Hood story where I root for the bad guys to squish him, but there you go. It's not that I even like the bad guys, but at least they're better than him.

In bullet point:

1. Almost anyone in the cast would be a better Robin Hood. Hell, there are probably some trees in Sherwood that could do the job better. He has all the charisma of a wet sock. In fact, I'd follow a wet sock before I'd follow him. I wouldn't even follow him to the pub for a free drink, that's how anti-charismatic he is.
2. How dumb are these people? I know that the Sheriff can't actually ever really capture Hood, but still. STOP BEING SO STUPID.
3. Holy God, THE CLOTHES. Marian! Stop wearing trousers and colours that didn't even look good in the 70s! Clearly you have access to foreign dyes, but that's no excuse.
4. Guyliner. I know it's the sign of a tortured soul, but the thought of him getting up each morning, putting on his goth outfit and then adding the Guyliner as a finishing touch robs him of all menace, though Richard Armitage does what he can. His sole talent appears to be an ability to loom behind the Sheriff at key moments.
5. How dumb are these people? (Again!) Don't they ever wonder why they're being taxed to death? IT'S CALLED THE FECKING CRUSADES AND RICHARD'S LUNACY. STOP WAITING FOR HIM TO COME BACK! HE'S ONLY GOING TO TREAT ENGLAND AS AN ATM. AGAIN.
6. So the whole 'Richard will solve everything' just doesn't work. Not now. Maybe they deal with this - I fast forward so much that I can't be sure - but it makes no sense. Especially when people point it out and they're all "BUT RICHARD WILL SOLVE EVERYTHING." I hate to be one of Those People, but Robin of Sherwood dealt with it a lot better by making it clear that it was a rotten system and that as futile as it was you should struggle with that, not wait for Richard to fix everything. (And when he appears, he doesn't; he's as bad as the rest of them.)
7. The Night Watchman? Clearly a woman! She has breastage that YOU CAN SEE. I know these are the Dark Ages, but they're not that dark. Plus I will never understand why people do the cartwheeling thing in fighting. Is it really that good a move? I would think a sensible person would just get a big stick and clunk you in the stomach as you cartwheeled around. I mean, it's not like the Night Watchman has any other moves.
8. Why does no one other than the Sheriff live in a castle? If I know one thing about the Normans it's that they loved to build castles. It was like crack to them. In fact, I suspect that they thought any day without building a castle was a wasted day. A lot of Guy's problems could be solved if he lived in a castle, rather than in a house that Robin Hood can waltz in and out of when he wants. Get those peasants working and build yourself a nice, secure castle with a dungeon or two and you'd be all set.

How else did this show get either viewers or renewals? It's the worst thing ever and I do not say that lightly as I have no standards at all (seriously: I watched Tarzan on the WB and there is no lower than that). It's so horrible and Robin so ferrety and rubbishy that I cannot believe that anyone in their sane mind would think 'right, we need one more year of this.' I am rather impressed by Marian's complete bovineness, though. Her solidity is an example to actresses the world over who aspire to solidity and non-actingness.* Not even Richard Armitage can save this series, though he tries rather gamely.

I think the BBC should do some accounting, though, because quite clearly no money at all was spent on this series. They were taken by bandits. Who possibly had pictures of the top brass with ferrets.

*Also she looks like she wears carpet most of the time. I think they made her dresses out of bits of left over rugs. The actress is not to blame, to be sure, but those are such horrible dresses it is often hard to think straight when she is on screen. And the robes! Even the Middle Ages could not have produced such hideous outfits or the makeup which looks like it was designed and applied by five year olds.

Good lord, this is so bad and yet I can't look away. I have a Robin Hood fetish that will not let me.

Robin looks not like a rat, but like a particularly useless ferret. One without any charisma or any reason for any one to follow him. Also he cannot act, though he does a very modern 'I will show you my underwear' thing. John, on the other hand, is rather excellent and should clearly be leader.

The sodding matrix effects have got to go. They are clearly all the show has in the way of thought and creative effort and yet they are nothing but annoying.

Much is rather fun, but would be better off without the useless ferrety Robin

Where have they spent all their money? That must have been some really good catering they had going.

ETA: How could I have forgotten clench mouthed Maid Marion and her horrific sort of stretch garment/faux medieval outfit? Also I admire the way mud appears and disappears at will. When you need a good peasanty, writhing in the mud scene, there it is, and when you want a nice dry set it's all gone.

I know, I know: I'm becoming one of those crazy people who create deep bitterness threads on Television Without Pity for shows that have only had trailers. But this thought just struck me and that means I have to immediately post it. Because otherwise it may not have existed.

The BBC's new Robin Hood is very much a Blairite version of the legend compared with the anti-Thatcherism of the 1980s Robin of Sherwood, something which may cause more problems for me than the ratty looking hero. Think about it: in this one the problem is not the position of Sheriff, which it was in Robin of Sherwood, where the Sheriff was always going to be oppressive no matter who you got. That was his function: to screw you over and impose his will on you and break up any traditional organizations or social structures you had. In the new version troubles began when the old, benevolent Sheriff was deposed and replaced with an evil one who taxed people so much they could no longer engage in capitalism, thus tragically ending Nottingham's market day. Robin protests not that hungry people are punished for stealing flour but that they are punished too harshly.

Whereas for Robin of Sherwood all property was pretty much a form of theft, no matter what, in this version if you have the right people in charge and wealthy then everyone wins. Thus this Robin has to be a kindly aristocrat, whereas in Robin of Sherwood, Robin (or the first one) was a peasant who held his position not because of birth but because he was ~~wicked hot~~ chosen by Herne. And yes that's a mystical thing and a bit random and not democratic, but it was suggested that Herne was somehow part and parcel of the spirit of the people, not part of an outside structure. And Robin was important not in and of himself but because he was about rebelling against an unequal social structure and redistributing its wealth amongst the poor. This one so far just wants the people to be taxed less so they can sell Medieval trinkets to each other like grubby Ren Fair refugees.

And yes this snap judgment is tremendously unfair given that the new Robin Hood has only had one episode, but I put my money on this show falling out this way.

Judging by its opening moments quite a lot of this show will rely on you:

a. Not minding that Robin looks rather like a rat*

b. Believing that the average horse runs much slower than a human

ETA: c. Thinking that a 30 year old in the middle ages could have a 20 something permed daughter

*No really, what were they thinking when they cast him?

ETA 2: I have a horrible feeling that with this show I will be one of those annoying people posting about what is wrong with the show endlessly. In my defence this is because Robin Hood is one of those things I will watch in any form, because I love the story. And thus I am incapable of resisting a Robin Hood series, even if the best thing about it is not ratty Robin or the somewhat bovine Marian but the evil Gisbourne. And there is always the potential that it will all improve in the later episodes and I hold out great hope of that.

And I do have one serious question: what did they do with the budget? It looked like they had a cast of 20s there and there was little sign of the serious money being spent (though Nottingham from the outside looked rather good). But I understand this is a big budget series, so the money must be going somewhere.

Not only is the BBC making a new, shiny Robin Hood, but it will also star Richard Armitage as Guy of Gisborne. This is quite possibly the best TV news I've had...oh, since I don't know when. As they've only started filming I don't think there are any photos, sadly.

Link to BBC press release

ETA: Also I bring you the best review of a Doctor Who DVD I think I have ever read from Amazon

"The only reason it is out is to make money from the very vocal group of geeks who rememember it from their two-channel childhood in the UK."

For some reason I just think this is the funniest thing ever (and I like Who).

He should have had to struggle through the one channel childhood of parts of Ireland. And then RTE Two came along and traumatized children by running terrifying Czech cartoons in the afternoon.

So in the space of a short time I have:

a) discovered that BBC America is buying Life on Mars. This is astonishing as they currently seem to show nothing but What Not to Wear, Benny Hill, and Footballers' Wives. Because they're wankers and consciously select shows I can't abide.
b) the BBC is making a very expensive series of Robin Hood. Robin Hood is like crack to me. I will watch anything that involves him as a character. Anything.

This is excellent news. Also, I may or may not have written most of a Whofic with the working title of 'Rose Tyler becomes a lesbian,' a touching story of sexual reorientation, alien shopping experiences, and furry animals. Um, I am not quite sure what to do with it as it was mainly written to stop me doing any actual work.