lesbiassparrow

Hence comments on Outlander. So far I haven't gotten to the Scene I Have Been Warned About and it is not yet the worst thing I have ever read. Well, not quite, because I still think that book about the vampire who was cursed with having a dragon leap out of him on regular occasions was worse. But I am impressed by Hero and Heroine's ability to be captured by the English at every pivotal plot point. They should stop escaping as it only means that much effort and energy will be expended before they are inevitably captured again. I am also impressed by everyone's ability to speak English no matter how remote the area. They also speak Gaelic as well because otherwise how would we know this is the past, but they are kind enough only to speak it when it is not important for the Heroine to know something. I did not actually know that whipping of various sorts was such an important feature of 18th century rural life. In fact, so important was whipping people talked about it all the time. How they laughed about memorable whippings they had had! How they would regale each other with that story about how their dad/laird/the English/their clansmen whipped them for doing something that totally proves how much of a man they were! It made up about 90% of people's conversation when they weren't talking about whiskey, sadism, and horses.

The rest of the time, of course, they were off having sex in the bracken. Or being captured by the English and then having sex to celebrate their (temporary) escape. I REFUSE TO TALK ABOUT THE OTHER THINGS THAT MAKE UP THIS NOVEL INCLUDING THE AMOUNT OF TIMES PEOPLE TRY TO RAPE VARIOUS PEOPLE.

Heroine is total idiot: if anyone ever offers me the choice between hot baths, modern plumbing and medicine, not being captured by would-be rapist Englishmen and no plumbing, dirt and god knows what horrific illnesses that ran rampant in the 18th century, I know what option I am choosing and it doesn't include the hot and previously virginal 18th Scotsman no matter what he's got under his kilt. ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT HAPPENS TO THE HIGHLANDS IN THE 18TH CENTURY? CULLODEN IS ONLY THE START, YOU TWIT. PLUS NO INDOOR PLUMBING! AND RAPIST ENGLISHMEN! Admittedly, your husband seemed a bit of a waste of space, but think of being able to take a bath! And use a loo! And live with people who probably washed now and then. (Of course, this being romance, no one smells to high heaven in the olden times. Instead they smell earthy and manly and the like. BOLLOCKS, ALL BOLLOCKS.)

THIS BOOK ALSO NEEDS MORE PEOPLE
WHO MOVE LIKE COUGARS. And Duncan McCloud McLeod OF THE CLAN MCCLOUD McLeod.* I cannot tell you how much I wish he'd make a cameo appearance.

*TRAGICALLY I UNCLANNED DUNCAN WHICH PROBABLY MEANS THAT AS A HIGHLANDER HE HAS TO BURN HIS KILT.

ETA: HEROINE IS NOW FIGHTING OFF A WOLF. A FUCKING WOLF. WITH ONLY A CLOAK OR SOMETHING.

ETA 2: YOU KNOW THEY'RE ALL TOO STUPID TO LIVE. WHO TURNS DOWN LAUDANUM IN FAVOUR OF BEING CONSCIOUS WHILE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO RESET BONES? MORONS, THAT'S WHO.

ETA 3: I am confused as to the geography of this novel. One moment they're in Scotland, the next minute they're in the English Channel and someone talks about going overland to France, which I feel was probably pretty impossible then as now.

ETA 4: I feel perhaps the discussion of Catholic religious practices might have been better not shoe-horned in at the end, especially as Heroine is supposed to be mad with worry over Hero.

ETA 5: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SCENE WHERE SHE HEALS HIM BY PRETENDING TO BE EVIL ENGLISHMAN? WHAT?

ETA 6: IT IS DONE. DONE. LIKE A DONE THING. I SHALL NOT BE READING THE SEQUEL BUT I SHALL TELL YOU WHAT IS IN IT ANYWAY: PEOPLE BEING CAPTURED BY THE ENGLISH, WHIPPING, MANLY FEATS AND NO PLUMBING. PLUS ONE WOULD SUSPECT MUCH MORE DIRE GOINGS ON THAN I LIKE TO DESCRIBE IN THIS JOURNAL.

I am currently watching a quite fantastically laden with awful British accents SciFi film with Adrian Paul. It's something about Francis Drake and sea monsters and has all the fine quality one associates with SciFi channel films. I also have no idea what is really going on, but I suspect it doesn't matter.

But this is not a post about the many and varied delights of SciFi movies, but about an awesome book recommended by chelseagirl47: The Beetle. It was published the same year as Dracula and involves stalwart Englishmen being unmanned by an Egyptian man-woman-beetle thing which cleaves a broad path through London in a search for vengeance. So horrifying is this thing that the mere words "THE BEETLE!!!" shrieked at the unfortunate victims will reduce them to conniptions of a type that it is very satisfactory to read about. There's some sort of plot involving a politician with a PAST but that doesn't really matter. Mainly you read for the gothic horror and admire the endless parade of anxieties on display. Gender, sexual, race, imperial...the list is pretty endless. And then there's THE BEETLE. And lots of potentially kinky shenanigans involving the flower of British womanhood who gets herself abducted. (For those who are worried about potential gender imbalance, that is preceded by kinky shenanigans with the flower of British manhood who also gets himself abducted in Cairo.) Good stuff.

Sadly, I followed that up with Geraldine Jewsbury's rather awful The Two Sisters, which is one of those mid 19th century issue novels. There are two sisters, one legitimate and traditionally raised, the other illegitimate and saddled with a batty mother and a life in the theatre. Of course, because it's an issue novel there are endless pages where people discuss women's roles, women's education, etc. etc. all tacked on around a plot that is decidedly unsatisfactory. I gave up when the legitimate sister died of hysteria brought about by the mere thought of running off in an adulterous affair. It just came out of nowhere too: one moment she's going about her boring life, being all mopey, then five pages later it's adulterous thoughts and hysterical death. And then it went back to an entire chapter of people talking about education, without even a twitch.

In my search for more materials for learning Hindi, I came across the absolutely hilarious "Learn Hindi from Bollywood" podcasts. While it is not really useful for learning the language it is a riot to listen to not just because of the selections the author makes from films, but also because it comes replete with his hysterical commentary. I especially loved the one on rejection with the recounting of the rejections that a tender young author must go through. BRILLIANT.

I also bought a learn Hindi book today but I am sure it will not be nearly so much fun. (And some Dresden novels. I thought about getting some more of Kage Baker's Company novels, but although I am enjoying The Garden of Iden I think I could get tired of the main characters quite quickly. It's hard to really want to hear about people who are so superior to mortal people and so conscious of their superiority; they're just a bit too smug. But the novel is still really interesting.

If you thought Cassie Edwards' covers of improbable love in the Old West were the peak that western romance could aspire to you were sadly wrong.



"No, no!," cried Lone Arrow. "Not the nipples! Anything but the nipples!"

But Esmeralda could not control herself; she had to touch the nipples of this magnificent stranger, feel his sinuous skin, and toy with his flesh. It was forbidden, she knew, but those round, manly discs, the pride of his gleaming chest, called to her and claimed her wandering fingers.

Lone Arrow, leader of some tribe who would surely be horrified by this whole thing, felt his resolve weaken as his manhood awakened... [Further excerpts available upon application to the author.]

( Glorious, glorious covers behind the cut. )

Previously in this series: Christian Romances and Paranormal Romance.

Recently I read Heart and Science by Wilkie Collins. It is not, to put it bluntly, a good book. Despite the assertion of the back cover that Collins considered this as good as The Woman in White, I fear that the only reasonable conclusion is that he must have been in a high fever at the time. Or negotiating book rights. Basically there are a lot of brain ailments and boring people who seem to succumb to those ailments without much of a reason, plus some guy who is in Canada recovering from nervous exhaustion by taking canoe trips. And a vivisection subplot that doesn't really go anywhere except exist so our nervously exhausted hero can save the day via a discovered secret for curing brain ailments. And while I appreciate that the editor has been handed lemons on the Collins front, I still think that he could have done a better job. Here's a sample of his footnotes: the text says 'as the proverb goes, it was the hair that broke the camel's back.' His footnote, carefully lying there at the bottom of the page like something that has something to say, informs the reader that 'this is a proverbial statement.' AND NOTHING ELSE. Listen mate, the text already said that. The point of a footnote is to explain something that you otherwise might not get; if there's nothing to add THEN DON'T ADD A FOOTNOTE. Unless, of course, you've read a long academic book in German that you want to mention so people know you've read it. That's entirely different.

Plus, you know if you're buying a minor Wilkie Collins novel in a not terribly appealing academic looking edition I suspect that you don't need to be told what an N.B. is. Just saying.

This is not a blog that I've ever read before but cleolinda linked to their
top 10 things for what publishers could do for readers to sell more books. Many of the suggestions just strike me as not things that matter to most readers. Do most people really care that much that all their books in a series are the same size? It might be annoying if you like all your books to line up, but if you're this attached to a series aren't you going to be buying them all anyway?

Another suggestion is: "Include a relationship chart in the beginning of every book. Most books published today are series books, all somehow related to one another. It would be very helpful if, at the front of the book, all the books in a series are identified in the way in which they are related to one another and what characters appear in which books." But why would you do this? People would only buy the books with the characters they liked surely, rather than buying it and hoping that this was the time that Lars von sexy Vampire-Werewolf with the Tight Blue Pants* finally got his woman.

* To distinguish him from Elferic, the cursed scion of Norwegian Viking-Faeries who always wears tight red pants.

Have you ever read something which you know is quite good, which you know that you really should like - but somehow find yourself not liking it? I just finished Robin McKinley's Spindle's End and while there were plenty of things I liked in it, in the end I found myself almost disliking it. And I have no idea why. Very strange. Maybe I shall blame it on there being a character named Narl, whom I thought was about 60 but surely cannot be because the heroine loved him and I don't think I was supposed to be squicked out.

Jezebel has a post post on how people often seem to want to support animal charities (specifically animal charities that involve saving cute things like puppies) over things like battered women's shelters. While I think it's a wrong to have a hierarchy of charitable giving which pits one needy group or cause against another, I do get tired of people who have immense empathy for animal suffering while having none for humans. This may be because I had a job a while back where during Hurricane Katriona none of the people had any concern for the situation until they saw abandoned animals. Then they got outraged and arranged a collection for the SPCA and foster animals, even as they turned down other suggestions of fundraising for other charities and blamed people for leaving behind their animals to save themselves. It was horrifically depressing - how could you have empathy for one set of suffering and none for the other? There is also this horrible story about these women heralded for saving their pets from fires in Malibu who left behind their Hispanic housekeeper because they didn't have space for her.

It is also awfully disturbing how many people on that Jezebel thread are suggesting that battered women are somehow blameworthy for not getting out. I think they imagine that there are more shelters and options available for these women than there are. It's not like you leave the guy and the system goes 'Yay! Here have a place to live and some money! We'll look after you!'

While 'researching'* for this I discovered the horrible and tragic affliction that affects so many men of the paranormal world: headlessness. And leglessness. For all that they get around a good deal and bed many lusty wenches. (Only, sadly, the books don't call them lusty wenches, instead they prefer horrific terms like 'lifemates' and 'bonded females.' I think I'd rather be called a lusty wench myself.) And, no, I have no idea why this guy is half blue. I suspect it has something to do with sex. And possibly the plague.

* And by research I mean I clicked through as many book covers as I could take. Which wasn't that many, but Amazon is now convinced that I only read either Latin texts or books about sex-mad vampires.

( Sadly, unlike Cassie Edwards there are no startled vicars. More images under cut: not at all dial up friendly. )

I pose this question: what's the worst book you've ever read that has been packaged as a romance and why? I am getting intrigued by reading blogs on romances (especially the Smart Bitches site which I am too lazy to look up the link for) and some of the truly horrific books they review. I assume that at some point in the publishing process someone thought these offenses against literature were a good idea rather than them just being tossed out there. I just picked romance because it is (to my mind, at least) a very defined genre with definite expectations and parameters: you can mess with them, of course, but then I'd question a bit what genre your book is. In that they're a bit like mystery, a genre I read a lot more of and very definite opinions about what are the worst ones* I've read.


*The most offensive might be P.D. James' Holy Orders which at one point made the staggering claim that clerical child abuse wasn't that bad and that it was something which was basically made up by lower class louts. It was a bit unexpected, to say the least.

ETA: I should probably have thought before I posted this question. Because now I am a bit traumatized. Actually, I'm a lot traumatized.

( List behind cut )

And regarding Heroes, I only have one thing to say: ( small spoiler )

Today I spent most of the day reading what turned out to be a very interesting book (though the title is a bit offputting): Towards a Working Class Canon: Literary Criticism in British Working Class Periodicals, 1816-1858.

Basically this is a fascinating study of what these periodicals valued in literature, which writers they promoted, who they hated, and the genres of writing they liked (apparently drama was not such a big hit with them and they are often quite nasty to Shakespeare - one person wrote three articles on how Brutus was a failed radical). It's really interesting to read about how their canon of authors really differed from that of the middle classes and how even when they overlapped they were obviously looking for totally different messages in these writers. So Milton is huge, especially his prose, but not at all as a religious writer.

The author talked about how the big three poetry writers for the writers of these journals were Percy Bysshe Shelley, Lord Byron, and Robbie Burns. When they commend the first two not infrequently it takes on the form 'why, they write so well of oppression they could be working class!' which I think is a nice turn around from the book I just read, which was all about the reverse attitude of the aristocracy to working class writers. (I loved the person who said that Shelley was the 'best thing the aristocracy had produced.') Unfortunately, the writer did not talk too much about the circulation of these journals (I suspect for a lot of them it's impossible to know), though he did point out that the middle class starting producing things like Penny Magazine in an effort to promote the right sort of knowledge for the lower orders, so some of them must have been popular enough

After that I went to look at some books on fandom and telly, which just made me cross. There's a certain awful smugness about a lot that gets produced on fandom and TV, as if the author feels so proud of their cutting edgeness they have to chuck it at you along with polysyllabic theoretical terms every line. I did find an article on how the Tardis control room was all about conservatism but I did not get the book out as it looked very annoying. The same for the book that was all about how people should feel guilty for enjoying soap operas because they are Opressive and Tools of Women's Destruction.