lesbiassparrow

( I feel this entry goes better if you imagine the theme song to Giligan's Island playing in the background: horrific images of waxen chests and giant nipples behind the cut )

I left out The Virile Viking cover. You can thank me for that later.

Apparently this entire thing is based on some song or other about a guy who chases a wild horse down a cliff. It has all the fine writing that you would expect from such a pedigree.

caerbannog this one is for you and your birthday. Jackman the Emo Sailor wishes you many happy returns. And for sajia: it's not Korean and drama queens, but there is womanpain of a sort.

( Are you sure you are ready for this? ARE YOU SURE? )

I finished Twilight: The Deflowering of a Virgin Vampire and His Increasingly Frustrated Hussy Girlfriend and went through various stages of agony over the whole experience. There was a lot of denial (HOW DID I SPEND THAT MUCH TIME ON THIS????) and anger (GIVE ME BACK THAT TIME SMEYER. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD HAVE DONE WITH THAT TIME???), plus swearing. I've been working through those emotions with the help of Growing up Cullen and Cleolinda's hilarious recaps. But it's still not enough. NOTHING WILL EVER REMOVE THE MEMORIES OF BREAKING DAWN FROM MY MIND.

Er, so my solution was picspam. And imagining Edward Cullen as the direct descendant of Joseph Andrews, Henry Fielding's chaste footman. So, without further ado, here is The Adventures of Edward Cullen and the Precious Jewel of His Virtue. Illustrated with various scenes from the Narrative of Joseph Andrews, also Protector of his Virtue from the Wiles of Lady Booby. Yes, I said Booby. It was a simpler age back in the 18th century.

( Picspam of Twilight, ahoy! )

This is totally the opposite of Jason Bourne: Wuxia Hero, which I did because Jason Bourne's manpain is all kinds of awesome.

If you thought Cassie Edwards' covers of improbable love in the Old West were the peak that western romance could aspire to you were sadly wrong.



"No, no!," cried Lone Arrow. "Not the nipples! Anything but the nipples!"

But Esmeralda could not control herself; she had to touch the nipples of this magnificent stranger, feel his sinuous skin, and toy with his flesh. It was forbidden, she knew, but those round, manly discs, the pride of his gleaming chest, called to her and claimed her wandering fingers.

Lone Arrow, leader of some tribe who would surely be horrified by this whole thing, felt his resolve weaken as his manhood awakened... [Further excerpts available upon application to the author.]

( Glorious, glorious covers behind the cut. )

Previously in this series: Christian Romances and Paranormal Romance.

Apparently, God wants you to marry an ugly pirate. Though I must say that I commend Christian romances for bringing back pirates into romance. Complete with massive, er, swords.

( Click for more devout loving! )

Sometimes great books find great artists to illustrate them. Sometimes they have to do with inferior artwork. And sometimes terrible books get the art they deserve. Behold! I bring you the artwork of Cassie Edwards' ouevre. Plus my guesses at what the actual books are about.

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In this touching tale of the old west the heroine swoons because the hero has a bigger chest than her. 'Don't worry!,' He tells her, 'it's amazing how much bustier you can look with implants and thrusting your nipples forward at everyone!'

( Oh, there's much worse behind this cut. But you know you want to click )

Also you should all go to meganbmoore's journal and read the moving story of
Mighty Wang and Busty Girl as retold by her from a Cassie Edwards' novel.

It is clear from the opening credits that this will be a film with unattractive, unshiny, unoiled men in very short tunics.

And whether they want it or not: I am dedicating this as a birthday picspam to kalliopeia, lezopez (belated though it is) and caerbannog

( Click for even shorter tunics, grainy pictures, and THRILLING scenes of manly endeavour )

Save yourselves while you can: I have 48 of these things still to view

Before I head out I wanted to post this. According to one site this is a summary of the show: "A westernized Irish adoptee, Joong-Ah inevitably flies back to Korea to confront her past and to see the country she is really from, only to fall in love with her brother, Jae-Bok. Their love is painful, as they are never meant to be together as lovers, but merely as brother and sister. The show’s message is that there is no such thing as noble innocent love and that love is adversity itself. Therefore, love mustn’t be impeded by so-called "destiny" or family, no matter how ironic or difficult the case may seem. Although destiny is cruel and arduous, the two young lovers radiate pure happiness. The show describes how love survives the tragic bondage of family, destiny and romance."

They could well be right: I only got to episode 3 and I think I only understood about 10% of what was going on in the plot. I mainly watched it for Not!Ireland scenes involving the tragic demise of the heroine's adoptive Irish family, who apparently were IRA terrorists and whom she thinks she killed.

( massive picspam behind cut )

A lot of time as a Who fan is spent assuring people that the monsters are meant to be scary. And that, yes indeed, you trembled before Daleks, whimpered at Cybermen, and tried not to giggle felt something at seeing the Brain of Morbius.

Monsters are also where companions come into their own. The decibel level of their screams lets you know how terrifying this monster/villain/bit of tinfoil on a stick is supposed to be.

Behind the cut is a brief review of some of the Who monsters. When you look at these please do remember that special effects in Who traditionally had a budget of about 50p most of which got spent on cups of tea in the canteen for the poor bastard who had to come up with the evil opponent of the week from eggcups, string, foam, and whatever else he could steal from rubbish bins.

( Monsters! Villains! Mainly old school, but a few from the new series. Not Dial-up friendly. Also tiny spoiler for Season 2 )

I've recently bought some William Hartnell episodes as he's not a Doctor I've seen much of. Hmmm. Behind the cut is a massively biased review of Hartnell as the first doctor.

If you're a huge fan and wondering if you should click, I'll say it outright, I don't think he's very good, though he does have an excellent set of credits and some fine lapel holding moves. More blasphemy about the first doctor is behind the cut! (Along with non dial-up friendly pictures)

( Click here for blasphemy )