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This is for [livejournal.com profile] sajia. Um, I know it's not really what you requested, but hopefully it entertains for all that.

This is Camelot. Looks nice, doesn't it? All calm and serene, the sort of place you and your peasant brethren would like to raise a few kids. I bet this is what they put on the brochure telling you to move there. "No witches! Best knights in what will be Albion one day, once our nutter king dies and Arthur is in charge!" DO NOT BE FOOLED GOOD PEASANTS. YOU'D BE SAFER STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR'S CAMP AND SHOUTING YOU WERE KING HAROLD.

The many chances to die horribly in and around Camelot. With pictures carefully drawn by monks who stay up all nights doing this sort of thing. )
lesbiassparrow: (love is never wrong)

Apparently this entire thing is based on some song or other about a guy who chases a wild horse down a cliff. It has all the fine writing that you would expect from such a pedigree.

[livejournal.com profile] caerbannog this one is for you and your birthday. Jackman the Emo Sailor wishes you many happy returns. And for [livejournal.com profile] sajia: it's not Korean and drama queens, but there is womanpain of a sort.

Are you sure you are ready for this? ARE YOU SURE? )
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Being The Tragic Story of the Third Saddest Spy in the History of the World

By A Lady

This is Tom Quinn. A man of constant anguish and spypain. He suffers for Queen! and Country! And I suspect to entertain terrorists the world over, who like to strike at pivotal moments in his life just to ensure he will never have a moment's happiness. It's not an easy life being the Third Saddest Spy in the History of the World.

Enter his wretched world. Not at all dial up or slow connection friendly. )
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I finished Twilight: The Deflowering of a Virgin Vampire and His Increasingly Frustrated Hussy Girlfriend and went through various stages of agony over the whole experience. There was a lot of denial (HOW DID I SPEND THAT MUCH TIME ON THIS????) and anger (GIVE ME BACK THAT TIME SMEYER. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD HAVE DONE WITH THAT TIME???), plus swearing. I've been working through those emotions with the help of Growing up Cullen and Cleolinda's hilarious recaps. But it's still not enough. NOTHING WILL EVER REMOVE THE MEMORIES OF BREAKING DAWN FROM MY MIND.

Er, so my solution was picspam. And imagining Edward Cullen as the direct descendant of Joseph Andrews, Henry Fielding's chaste footman. So, without further ado, here is The Adventures of Edward Cullen and the Precious Jewel of His Virtue. Illustrated with various scenes from the Narrative of Joseph Andrews, also Protector of his Virtue from the Wiles of Lady Booby. Yes, I said Booby. It was a simpler age back in the 18th century.

Picspam of Twilight, ahoy! )

This is totally the opposite of Jason Bourne: Wuxia Hero, which I did because Jason Bourne's manpain is all kinds of awesome.
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Upon reflection, I felt that Mountain Men was too wondrous an episode of Highlander not to share with everyone.

Behold the wonders of Mountain Men! You may never be the same again afterwards. )
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If you thought Cassie Edwards' covers of improbable love in the Old West were the peak that western romance could aspire to you were sadly wrong.


"No, no!," cried Lone Arrow. "Not the nipples! Anything but the nipples!"

But Esmeralda could not control herself; she had to touch the nipples of this magnificent stranger, feel his sinuous skin, and toy with his flesh. It was forbidden, she knew, but those round, manly discs, the pride of his gleaming chest, called to her and claimed her wandering fingers.

Lone Arrow, leader of some tribe who would surely be horrified by this whole thing, felt his resolve weaken as his manhood awakened... [Further excerpts available upon application to the author.]

Glorious, glorious covers behind the cut. )

Previously in this series: Christian Romances and Paranormal Romance.
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So naturally I love it. In fact, I am thinking of admitting the obvious and calling this journal 'I only watch rubbish. Don't bother recommending things to me unless they are total, absolute crap.'

This is a kdrama replete with angst, dreadful romantic choices, premarital affairs, evil, Giant-haired women who attack shop assistants, and classical music. AND SO MUCH MORE. It also has had the educational effect of informing me that in Korea adultery is an imprisonable offence. Really!

Angst and giant hair this way! )
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Apparently, God wants you to marry an ugly pirate. Though I must say that I commend Christian romances for bringing back pirates into romance. Complete with massive, er, swords.

Click for more devout loving! )
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While 'researching'* for this I discovered the horrible and tragic affliction that affects so many men of the paranormal world: headlessness. And leglessness. For all that they get around a good deal and bed many lusty wenches. (Only, sadly, the books don't call them lusty wenches, instead they prefer horrific terms like 'lifemates' and 'bonded females.' I think I'd rather be called a lusty wench myself.) And, no, I have no idea why this guy is half blue. I suspect it has something to do with sex. And possibly the plague.

* And by research I mean I clicked through as many book covers as I could take. Which wasn't that many, but Amazon is now convinced that I only read either Latin texts or books about sex-mad vampires.

Sadly, unlike Cassie Edwards there are no startled vicars. More images under cut: not at all dial up friendly. )
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Sometimes great books find great artists to illustrate them. Sometimes they have to do with inferior artwork. And sometimes terrible books get the art they deserve. Behold! I bring you the artwork of Cassie Edwards' ouevre. Plus my guesses at what the actual books are about.


In this touching tale of the old west the heroine swoons because the hero has a bigger chest than her. 'Don't worry!,' He tells her, 'it's amazing how much bustier you can look with implants and thrusting your nipples forward at everyone!'

Oh, there's much worse behind this cut. But you know you want to click )

Also you should all go to [livejournal.com profile] meganbmoore's journal and read the moving story of
Mighty Wang and Busty Girl
as retold by her from a Cassie Edwards' novel.
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I feel very strongly that you should know two things before wading through this picspam
a) I couldn't finish the film. Because I take my duties as a purveyor of rubbish classical movies seriously I did watch the ending, but much of the middle is a total blank. This is probably the only way I saved my sanity
b) I really hated Romulus and all the hideously ugly Romans after about 15 minutes viewing

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Why, yes, it's that Roger Moore.

Warning: these pictures of flabby Roman manhood may cause permanent retinal damage )
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It is clear from the opening credits that this will be a film with unattractive, unshiny, unoiled men in very short tunics.

And whether they want it or not: I am dedicating this as a birthday picspam to [livejournal.com profile] kalliopeia, [livejournal.com profile] lezopez (belated though it is) and [livejournal.com profile] caerbannog

Click for even shorter tunics, grainy pictures, and THRILLING scenes of manly endeavour )

Save yourselves while you can: I have 48 of these things still to view
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Here is the promised picspam of the gayest and socialistest Son of Hercules who ever breathed. Really he was - most of this plot was taken up with loving shots of him and his sidekick, Bangor. The rest of it was about stopping the evil Molemen oppressing people and forcing them to work in their diamond mine and not believing in the freedom of man.

Sadly the quality of the film was not great so some of the more stirring and actiony scenes could not be screen-capped. And the caps I got weren't so great.

Massive picspam behind cut. Enter at your own risk )
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Before I head out I wanted to post this. According to one site this is a summary of the show: "A westernized Irish adoptee, Joong-Ah inevitably flies back to Korea to confront her past and to see the country she is really from, only to fall in love with her brother, Jae-Bok. Their love is painful, as they are never meant to be together as lovers, but merely as brother and sister. The show’s message is that there is no such thing as noble innocent love and that love is adversity itself. Therefore, love mustn’t be impeded by so-called "destiny" or family, no matter how ironic or difficult the case may seem. Although destiny is cruel and arduous, the two young lovers radiate pure happiness. The show describes how love survives the tragic bondage of family, destiny and romance."

They could well be right: I only got to episode 3 and I think I only understood about 10% of what was going on in the plot. I mainly watched it for Not!Ireland scenes involving the tragic demise of the heroine's adoptive Irish family, who apparently were IRA terrorists and whom she thinks she killed.

massive picspam behind cut )
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What is wuxia, you ask? Well, even if you don't ask I will tell for I have researched* it very thoroughly. Wuxia is a genre of historical dorama in which there are magic swords, flying carpets, much flying through air while fighting and training, people falling into rivers and getting out and still battling for hours, and - MOST IMPORTANTLY - excessive amounts of very attractive manpain. This manpain usually results because his love is FORBIDDEN. And not just regular forbidden, either: this is Forbidden with a capital F, carved on the sides of mountains and inscribed into the laws of at least 4 countries.

But I bring you possibly the one and only Jason Bourne: Wuxia Hero post.

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This is Jason Bourne. A man who walks alone. A man with no memories (well, no happy ones). A man tortured by excessive amounts of angst and manpain. Plus guilt. WE MUST NOT FORGET THE GUILT.

Many, many images of manpain and angst behind cut. Spoilers for the second Bourne film. Nothing major for the third, I think. )

*And by researched I mean I have looked at many lovely picspams on [livejournal.com profile] calixa's,* [livejournal.com profile] dangermousie's, and [livejournal.com profile] meganbmoore's*
livejournals. From which I also stole the pictures.

*And who also came up with the whole Bourne = wuxia hero idea.
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A lot of time as a Who fan is spent assuring people that the monsters are meant to be scary. And that, yes indeed, you trembled before Daleks, whimpered at Cybermen, and tried not to giggle felt something at seeing the Brain of Morbius.

Monsters are also where companions come into their own. The decibel level of their screams lets you know how terrifying this monster/villain/bit of tinfoil on a stick is supposed to be.

Behind the cut is a brief review of some of the Who monsters. When you look at these please do remember that special effects in Who traditionally had a budget of about 50p most of which got spent on cups of tea in the canteen for the poor bastard who had to come up with the evil opponent of the week from eggcups, string, foam, and whatever else he could steal from rubbish bins.

Monsters! Villains! Mainly old school, but a few from the new series. Not Dial-up friendly. Also tiny spoiler for Season 2 )
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Companions come and companions go, but the Tardis is semi-eternal. Yes, she is frequently unreliable, often explodes (but only out of love), needs fuel at the most inconvenient times, and is stuck in an anachronistic shape. But she is also bigger on the inside than the outside, has a gigantic wardrobe full of the Doctor's unfortunate fashion choices, and is telepathic. And blue.

The full (possibly shocking) story of the Doctor's and the Tardis' love lies behind the cut. Not at all dial up friendly. But no spoilers.

Read more... )
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I've recently bought some William Hartnell episodes as he's not a Doctor I've seen much of. Hmmm. Behind the cut is a massively biased review of Hartnell as the first doctor.

If you're a huge fan and wondering if you should click, I'll say it outright, I don't think he's very good, though he does have an excellent set of credits and some fine lapel holding moves. More blasphemy about the first doctor is behind the cut! (Along with non dial-up friendly pictures)

Click here for blasphemy )


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August 2011

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