lesbiassparrow | Entries tagged with twilight

Is there some sort of new internet law that every time someone mentions a vampire film/book/theme park/whatever horrific contribution to vampire fetishes someone is coming up with next, they have to say 'Forget Twilight'? And then they go on to describe things that if you read Twilight there is no chance that you'd be interested in?

And much as I think Twilight is filled with the WTFness of the first degree, most of the other stuff that is touted as amazing and entirely the way vampires should be depicted sounds almost equally dreadful. And, sadly, more boring (say what you like about Twilight it keeps me endlessly entertained). That may be because I am ready for vampires to be retired as a way to explore the human condition or whatever else people say they are exploring. Seriously, they're not that interesting: They eat people. They live forever or a really long time ~~until some rightminded person comes along and stakes them~~. That's it, people. They're like human shaped, long-lived, man-eating lions. Who may or may not be able to go out in sunlight, depending on what crappy vampire novel they're in.

Also, introducing a more manly, killer vampire doesn't make your character necessarily better than Edward (though I will admit the odds are surely in your favour). It just makes him more manly and killer. That, in itself, is not inherently interesting and better.

I finished Twilight: The Deflowering of a Virgin Vampire and His Increasingly Frustrated Hussy Girlfriend and went through various stages of agony over the whole experience. There was a lot of denial (HOW DID I SPEND THAT MUCH TIME ON THIS????) and anger (GIVE ME BACK THAT TIME SMEYER. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD HAVE DONE WITH THAT TIME???), plus swearing. I've been working through those emotions with the help of Growing up Cullen and Cleolinda's hilarious recaps. But it's still not enough. NOTHING WILL EVER REMOVE THE MEMORIES OF BREAKING DAWN FROM MY MIND.

Er, so my solution was picspam. And imagining Edward Cullen as the direct descendant of Joseph Andrews, Henry Fielding's chaste footman. So, without further ado, here is The Adventures of Edward Cullen and the Precious Jewel of His Virtue. Illustrated with various scenes from the Narrative of Joseph Andrews, also Protector of his Virtue from the Wiles of Lady Booby. Yes, I said Booby. It was a simpler age back in the 18th century.

( Picspam of Twilight, ahoy! )

This is totally the opposite of Jason Bourne: Wuxia Hero, which I did because Jason Bourne's manpain is all kinds of awesome.

Dear Psyche,

I apologize to you for having read Breaking Dawn. Please forgive me.

Yours,

Lesbia's Sparrow.

ps. Can you stop screaming now?

pps. No, really. Anytime you want to stop screaming is fine by me. I'll just wait over here.

ppps. Still waiting. Maybe I could get you some whisky or something?

pppps. Now, swearing like that is just mean. You didn't even wince at Stairway to Heaven and that had a cancer causing car accident, so don't get all proud.

ppppps. Okay, so you have a point. But still. THE MEMORIES WILL FADE. OH GOD, THEY HAVE TO FADE.

If I ever wanted anyone to be permanently horrified at the very thought of being pregnant or giving birth, Breaking Dawn is what I would give them. It should be handed out to hormonal teenage girls everywhere.

ETA: You know, you think you're prepared for Breaking Dawn because you've read about it. BUT NOTHING PREPARES YOU FOR IT. GOD IN HEAVEN, WHAT IS THIS WOMAN ON? It must be good stuff. Possibly she shares a dealer with J.R. Ward.

ETA 2: I just... Look, there's no words for any of this. I think I might need therapy after this. There's only so much the human mind can take.

ETA 3: I think after this it will be time for me to read Proust. And perhaps some Pindar. Yeah, impossible Greek might have a chance to make my memories of this fade. OH GOD, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

ETA 4: After Pindar maybe some Lucretius. I won't skip a single line about atoms smashing into each other. Maybe that will stop my mind screaming at me?

I am about to sit down and read Breaking Dawn. Or, as I feel it should be called, The Deflowering of Edward.

I CAN'T WAIT.

ETA: OMG. THE FREAK OUT AFTERWARD. THANK YOU SMEYER FOR GIVING ME THIS MUCH ENTERTAINMENT. IT MAY NOT BE WHAT YOU INTENDED BUT I DON'T CARE.

OMG, PEOPLE. EDWARD IS JOSEPH ANDREWS.

( I honestly can't believe I'm cutting for spoilers to do with Edward's virtue )

I can't not but be impressed that Meyer made a fortune out of four books which have as their basic plot a teenage girl trying to get her boyfriend have sex with her.* And that boyfriend holding out for her making an honest man out of him. Now, that's genius.

*It's the teen version of Joseph Andrews! I just couldn't think what plot it reminded me of.

Also: still not sleeping.

DON'T JUDGE ME. I HAVE HAD 8 HOURS SLEEP IN 3 DAYS. JUDGE ME LATER WHEN SANITY RETURNS.

That creepy ass werewolf imprinting thing is even freakier than Edward sitting in her room watching her at night and all his mad controlling behaviour. AND YOU WILL NEVER CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE.

And! Edward's efforts to protect his virtue against Bella's teenage lust for ~~sex~~ sparkles, will never not be golden entertainment.

You know who my favourite Cullen is? The one that's not Edward but he's blond and has a constipated expression that is meant to be THE HUNGER. The look on his face in every scene is just the most amazingly entertaining thing I've ever seen. Even better than the THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER freak out.

Admittedly, it may be that my mind is crushed by years of watching Kdramas or the the copious amounnts of cold medication and hot whiskey speaking but I think I might like the movie of Twilight. I mean even in my fevered state I can see that it's cheesy and THE SKIN OF A KILLER bit is funny no matter what but still! actual enjoyment is being had. And not all of it is of the mocking kind. Plus the girl who plays Bella is really pretty enough for me to ignore Edward's Hair. The Cullens are kind of awful and pasty, though. It would be nice if they weren't really in the movie and it was just about teens fighting vampires in blue lit rain.

ETA: Oh, Edward as hysterical, repressed virgin is pretty good.

ETA 2: VAMPIRE SHOWDOWN. I. HAVE. NO. WORDS.

ETA 3: You know what? I want to watch this again with commentary just to hear all of RPatz's Edward loathing commentary. And to listen to someone try and explain Jacob's horrific hair. And whatever that other blond vampire's hair was supposed to be.

OH GOD. SEND HELP AND THERAPY PLEASE.

[Poll #1302782]

Soooo...I didn't like the book and I still can't get over SPARKLY VAMPIRES IN HIGH SCHOOL being the core of the plot, but I have to admit that I will always have admiration for anyone who makes a living writing books.* And then gets a film complete with sparkly vampires made flesh. Sadly, if someone offered me vast sums of money to write dreck about something even more horrifically and inappropriately glittery, I would do so.

As for this as her fantasy, well, I find myself not caring. There are tons of books and characters out there that are clearly people's fantasies made text (James Bond for one, Harriet Vane and Peter Wimsey for another), so even if this isn't a fantasy that I share or even think is very good, I don't actually see it as that bizarre or feel like going on about how OMG ROBERT PATTISON SO HAS HER NUMBER.

*There are some exceptions, but beyond things that are written to be vile and hateful they're few and far between.

...let's call it viewer shame. I get it for things like the WB's Tarzan where the show is so awful but I am irresistibly drawn to it that I watch it and I spend most of the show feeling horrifically ashamed and embarrassed and sort of watching it aslant so I can pretend I am not watching.

I am currently reading Twilight and it's the first book I've ever read in that way. It is taking me forever because I'll be reading it and then I hit an absolutely shaming paragraph and have to shove it away and pretend I am not reading it. I am not really sure why it's affecting me that way because I get that this is teen fiction and I am probably being too critical. But - I must rant a bit! (Sorry, I know many of you enjoyed it...)

( Slight spoilers. Plus a bit of a rant about Edward. )