Edward Cullen, Esq. Virgin Vampire.

I finished Twilight: The Deflowering of a Virgin Vampire and His Increasingly Frustrated Hussy Girlfriend and went through various stages of agony over the whole experience. There was a lot of denial (HOW DID I SPEND THAT MUCH TIME ON THIS????) and anger (GIVE ME BACK THAT TIME SMEYER. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD HAVE DONE WITH THAT TIME???), plus swearing. I've been working through those emotions with the help of Growing up Cullen and Cleolinda's hilarious recaps. But it's still not enough. NOTHING WILL EVER REMOVE THE MEMORIES OF BREAKING DAWN FROM MY MIND.

Er, so my solution was picspam. And imagining Edward Cullen as the direct descendant of Joseph Andrews, Henry Fielding's chaste footman. So, without further ado, here is The Adventures of Edward Cullen and the Precious Jewel of His Virtue. Illustrated with various scenes from the Narrative of Joseph Andrews, also Protector of his Virtue from the Wiles of Lady Booby. Yes, I said Booby. It was a simpler age back in the 18th century.

( Picspam of Twilight, ahoy! )

This is totally the opposite of Jason Bourne: Wuxia Hero, which I did because Jason Bourne's manpain is all kinds of awesome.