lesbiassparrow: (Default)
[personal profile] lesbiassparrow
If you thought Cassie Edwards' covers of improbable love in the Old West were the peak that western romance could aspire to you were sadly wrong.

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"No, no!," cried Lone Arrow. "Not the nipples! Anything but the nipples!"

But Esmeralda could not control herself; she had to touch the nipples of this magnificent stranger, feel his sinuous skin, and toy with his flesh. It was forbidden, she knew, but those round, manly discs, the pride of his gleaming chest, called to her and claimed her wandering fingers.

Lone Arrow, leader of some tribe who would surely be horrified by this whole thing, felt his resolve weaken as his manhood awakened... [Further excerpts available upon application to the author.]



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The first law of the frontier is never wear a shirt. It will only impede you when you try and wrassle winsome ladies. The second law is always wax. Remember men: a hairy chest is the sign of a weak and unmanly nature!

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See! This man clearly knows the power of a well-waxed chest. Sadly, what he doesn't know is that the wench has superglued her cheek to his and they will be forced to ride together forever.

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How, in the name of all that is good and holy, are these two staying on the back of this horse? Is it 10 foot long?

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Because nothing says romance like a man with an axe who clearly would like to chop off your head.

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Note the careful and subtle placement of the author's name and the title of this book. This sort of tasteful touch is hard to find these days.

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One for the lovers of the 70s amongst you. And in the background we have the ever popular semi-naked tango that was such a charming feature of the olden days in the West.

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Shirtless and trouserless he stood. Only his improbable anatomy and flimsy white sheet protected the flower of his virtue. But would that be enough in the rough and tumble of the Wild West? Or would he, like so many other men of pure hearts and untouched bodies, find himself waking up naked and ashamed in Miss Liz's boyfarm, a slave to her lusts and wanton ways?

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What is she supposed to be wearing? I just can't get past this point. It looks like some horrifically mutated feather boa.

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For the broadminded among you, let me introduce the little know genre of 'Western interspecies romances.'

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Er, this isn't a western romance but the cover was too glorious not to use. It's just magnificent, isn't it? The artist held nothing back in producing this masterpiece.



Previously in this series: Christian Romances and Paranormal Romance.

Date: 2008-08-25 12:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
Don't forget medieval romances. I long for the day you discover the notorious 3 armed woman.

Date: 2008-08-25 02:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I CANNOT WAIT TO DISCOVER THE THREE ARMED WOMAN. (But I do not know if I should ask for a link or wait and have the thrill of discovering it myself.)

Date: 2008-08-25 03:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
Next time you're on MSN, remind me and I'll drop hints.

Date: 2008-08-25 07:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
Actually, it may be 4 arms. One is normal, but ten on the other side, one hand is either on the ground or on her lap, the guy is also holding her hand, and I think her hand may be on his cheek. I'd have to track down the cover online to check. I think the notoriety helped the author out in terms of sales, though.

Date: 2008-08-25 07:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meganbmoore.livejournal.com
I tracked it down since I couldn't remember. No cheek cupping.

IIRC(it's been a while) The author is actually a pretty solid writer, for when the books came out. (Later, when she got more popular and medievals lost popularity and she moved to Regency and Victorian romances, they weren't as good. Now she writes contemporary and vampire romances. Tried one of each and couldn't get into them. Pity.)

Date: 2008-08-25 01:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lage-nom-ai.livejournal.com
With those red silky sheets, casual display of the rapier, and fondness for waxing, I'm betting that not just the ladies found the last guy a master of seduction!

Also, I lol'd SO HARD at the 70s cover!!

Date: 2008-08-25 02:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I like how the Master of Seduction is so dedicated to his seduction that he is unaware that a) that ship is getting away and b) the water is about to flow into his cabin and drown him and his seductee.

Date: 2008-08-25 03:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] unusualmusic.livejournal.com
LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Date: 2008-08-25 01:07 am (UTC)
ancarett: (Pr0n Writing Ms. Perky)
From: [personal profile] ancarett
Very. . . erm . . . subtle.

*chortle*

Date: 2008-08-25 02:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I have to admit that I rather like the gusto and lack of subtlety with which the artists just go for broke with some of the covers. It must be freeing for them.

Date: 2008-08-25 01:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] meyerlemon.livejournal.com
MASTER OF SEDUCTION.

AHA HA HAHAHAHAHA.

I AM LOLLING LIKE A MOFO.

Date: 2008-08-25 02:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
THE MASTER OF SEDUCTION DEFIES YOUR MOCKERY. HIS RED SHEETS COMMAND YOU TO BOW DOWN BEFORE HIS POWERS.

Date: 2008-08-25 01:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roatan.livejournal.com
WYOMING WENCH.

If I ever write a book, it will be called WYOMING WENCH regardless of the subject matter.

Also, I thought "Lone Arrow's Pride" said "LonG Arrow's Pride". Giving the woman's pose, I don't think my title is inappropriate.

Date: 2008-08-25 02:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I would buy any book called Wyoming Wench. Plus all of its sequels: North Dakota Wench, Texas Wench, Manhattan Wench, etc. GET WRITING.

Date: 2008-08-25 12:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] brainchild129.livejournal.com
Don't forget Delaware Wench, West Virginia Wench, and The Best Little Wench In Kansas.

Date: 2008-08-26 04:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
There is an almost infinite series of wench stories just waiting for roatan's genius!

Date: 2008-08-25 01:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lycomingst.livejournal.com
Shouldn't The Loner be ALONE?

Date: 2008-08-25 02:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
THE LONER DEFIES YOUR PETTY DICTIONARY DEFINITIONS.

Date: 2008-08-25 01:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wistfulmemory.livejournal.com
I think you missed your calling as a romance writer. Those covers are great (and so wrong, too).

Date: 2008-08-25 03:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I think perhaps one of the most painful experiences of being a romance writer must be looking at some of the covers they give your books.

Date: 2008-08-25 07:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wistfulmemory.livejournal.com
Don't they get to have at least some say in the cover (as in choosing their favorite choice out of a group of potential ones)?

Date: 2008-08-26 04:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Which raises the terrifying thought that these were the best ones.

Date: 2008-08-25 02:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] agentsculder.livejournal.com
As a woman who is utterly addicted to romance novels (though not this genre), I completely agree with your assessment of these ridiculous covers. I think the publishers are starting to wake up and move away from this type of cover. I mostly read Regency romances, and a lot of those are now completely free of people on the covers. Of course, there are some hilarious exceptions to that.

Date: 2008-08-25 03:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I am always intrigued by the difference between romance novel covers and 'chick-lit' ones, especially as I am not always sure of quite where the difference between the two genre lies (at the extremes it's easy, but then there are a lot of books that aren't at the extremes). And it really strange when they give a romance novel cover to something in an entirely different genre - I've got a copy of Connie Willis' Domesday Book which has one of those and it's certainly not at all a romance.

I would love to read something proper about the way these covers developed over time and why.

Date: 2008-08-25 02:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] koalathebear.livejournal.com
Hahaha I love it when you do these :)

Date: 2008-08-25 03:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
The only downside to them is that Amazon gets convinced that I want to buy all of these books and keeps recommending them to me. It's mortifying if other people see that it suggests what you want to read is 'Saucy Wenches of the Frontier.'

Date: 2008-08-25 05:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] koalathebear.livejournal.com
But that's GOOD because it means that you can find more covers for posts like this :D

Date: 2008-08-25 03:42 am (UTC)
morwen_peredhil: (angel drusilla flower - by fallbirds)
From: [personal profile] morwen_peredhil
round, manly discs

I'm not exactly sure why, but this term is going to haunt me.

Also, 10-foot-long horse!

Date: 2008-08-25 04:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Would it help if I say that I had thought of calling them his 'masculine love buds'?

Date: 2008-08-25 04:30 am (UTC)
morwen_peredhil: (adama do not want - by iconseeyou)
From: [personal profile] morwen_peredhil
NOT REALLY.

Date: 2008-08-25 03:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sloanesomething.livejournal.com
I came, I saw, I laughed so hard I broke a rib.

Date: 2008-08-25 04:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Doesn't it just make you want to time travel back to the frontier, where every man travelled with his own waxing supplies?

Re: Because I can!

Date: 2008-08-25 05:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
You know I cannot resist that picture! Hannah and her heaving bosoms!!!!!

Date: 2008-08-25 06:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misscam.livejournal.com
There is nothing like a cover that defies good taste, biology and gravity all at once.

Date: 2008-08-26 02:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
I have a particular fondness for the ones of freshly waxed men leaning over at 90 degrees angles and lifting a very buxom wench with one hand. Extra entertainment if they only have a loincloth and have surely, er, damaged their manhood through lack of protection.

Date: 2008-08-25 07:24 am (UTC)
ext_18076: Nikita looking smoking in shades (Default)
From: [identity profile] leia-naberrie.livejournal.com
What is she supposed to be wearing? I just can't get past this point. It looks like some horrifically mutated feather boa.

Their passion literally makes feathers fly! :D


For the broadminded among you, let me introduce the little know genre of 'Western interspecies romances.'

ROTFL!



Date: 2008-08-26 02:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Their passion literally makes feathers fly!

LOL! I think it's supposed to be a skin of some sort but apparently this tribe only skinned angora rabbits. Or tribbles.

Date: 2008-08-25 04:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cbackson.livejournal.com
I have houseguests, and I CANNOT LAUGH. MY CHEEKS HURT FROM HOLDING IT IN.

Date: 2008-08-26 02:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
What sort of cruel houseguests are these that crush the precious gift of laughter? Not even the Wyoming Wench had to endure this!

Date: 2008-08-25 07:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] astropoet.livejournal.com
Jings! Even the exclaimation points look like penises.

Wyoming Wench is my favourite. Wonder if Amazon still sell it?

Date: 2008-08-26 02:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
They were selling second hand copies at least. WITH THIS MAGNIFICENT COVER TOO.

Date: 2008-08-27 01:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nyssa23.livejournal.com
These...are magnificent. *runs off to read the previous entries*

P.S. I happened to have the "Maverick Wild" cover on my computer screen when my 3-year-old son walked over and said in a horrified tone of voice, "Mommy! WHY HIS TUMMY OPEN!" Which made me laugh way too much and probably scarred him for life. Whoopsie!

Date: 2008-08-31 05:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com
Hee! I hope he recovers and is not terrified of cowboys for life!

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