lesbiassparrow: (Default)
[personal profile] lesbiassparrow
The Tudors:
1. In the 16th century no one cared about the virginity of well born maidens. In fact, they positively encouraged them to lose it as soon as possible. No one was ever annoyed at finding their bride had been devirginized by someone else. This includes the King of Portugal because he was so desperate for it.
2. Sex in the 16th century lasted about 30 seconds. Despite this women always had an orgasm because the men were that manly.
3. 90% of Henry VIII's life was spent having sex. The rest was spent jousting or showing off to random courtiers or visiting royalty. Despite this he was somehow a great king.

1. If someone walked in on you having sex with someone on the kitchen table, you didn't stop what you were doing for this was considered perfectly normal behaviour in Ye Ancient Times.
2. Cleopatra didn't really believe in clothes unless they were clingy see through numbers. She also wore mops on her head and an IQ of about 80 due to all the drugs she had taken as a teenager. Don't do drugs, children!
3. The Republic was destroyed by wimmin and their lusts.
4. 90% of everyone's time, except Augustus, was spent having sex. Loud sex. This was clearly the secret of Augustus' success: he was the only person who was not perpetually exhausted from doing it all the time.
5. Slaves always loved their masters and mistresses and never had any resentment at all. In fact, the best way to make them like you is to be as horrible as possible to them as often as you can.

1. Fighting in nothing but leather underwear is the surest path to military success against overwhelming numbers
2. Eastern kings go nowhere without their harem of freaks and their killer rhinos. And will helpfully send elephants careening up narrow mountain paths where they can do very little harm.
3. Gollum: you always have to look out for that little bastard in every film.
4. Freedom is best served by a eugenics programme. And lots of shouting.
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August 2011

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