lesbiassparrow | The Ten Gladiators, or, as I like to call it, 'The Search for Rome's Shortest Tunic'

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It is clear from the opening credits that this will be a film with unattractive, unshiny, unoiled men in very short tunics.

And whether they want it or not: I am dedicating this as a birthday picspam to

kalliopeia,

lezopez (belated though it is) and

caerbannog

Here are the Ten Gladiators in the arena, but I am getting ahead of myself here as they don't do arenaish things until very late in the film

Mostly in the start they just hang around in forests looking for excitement

And laughing merrily with their One Woman. I couldn't get over the fact that this particular gladiator was called Roger. Roger, I tell you! Not even Rogerus.

After this bit of affecting forest life there were thrills involving some Roman soldiers. Clearly they had heard of this pack of challengers for 'Rome's shortest tunic' and were having none of it

But everyone had forgotten about the challenge presented by Glaucus, imperial friend and a man who specialized in wearing skimpy clothing

This is Glaucus as imperial friend.

Possibly because of the short clothing. Or maybe Nero had a bundle on him to win the competition and wanted to keep him close to make sure he was up to form

Tigellinus, Nero's evil henchman, also made a strong showing

Roger, however, is not at all impressed

At some point the Ten Gladiators (and One Woman) get flung into jail.

They use this as a valuable opportunity to practice flaunting their tunics

And also laughing merrily and flinging back their heads. These were key areas of Roman life

Also they like to make new friends

They are very careful to put on their specially short outfits to march into the arena. There's a whole subplot about why they are wearing the headgear but I can't be bothered to explain

Nero approves their sartorial efforts

As do the assembled people

Here we have an excellent display of something or other

In the middle Tigellinus tries to bring everyone's eyes back on his short outfit. Nice try, Tig.

After some other THRILLING stuff Tigellinus takes all his clothes off in some fevered last minute bid for attention

As always, he is overshadowed by Glaucus' willingness to expose pretty much everything

See what I mean?

You really can't compete against a man who is willing to go this far

He'll even do a watershow if asked

Some more merriment. They were a very happy lot. I personally thought that that might be the result of being hit over the head one too many times

Glaucus occasionally takes time out for a romantic interlude with the Ten Gladiators' One Woman

Later there is a very exciting combo scene which mixes manly feats, daring rescues, and incredibly short outfits

They're trying to rescue this senator and some Christians

This scene was great. The senator, after accepting Jesus, decided he would try to hold off the lions with the symbol of his new god. The lions ate him.

The tragic consequences of not using the pointy end of the sword on lions

Tigellinus kills Nero's wife because he's a bastard and Nero told him to. He was impressively loyal

The evil Romans try and crucify the One Woman. Big mistake!

Though they don't look it, the Ten Gladiators (now with added Glaucus) are annoyed

They bring out their secret weapon: emperor-to-be Galba, no slouch in the shortest tunic stakes himself

The One Woman is rescued and clutches Glaucus's chest

And Roger. Who is dying and grumpy that Glaucus, though a latecomer to their merry company, got all the action

And all the bad people and some of the good ones die. I was not moved at all. And Glaucus wins the 'Shortest Tunic in Rome' competition for an unprecedented 5th time.

Save yourselves while you can: I have 48 of these things still to view