lesbiassparrow

This bit of extreme silliness was inspired by the post below, my unwillingness to do real life work, and wondering about exactly who the representatives of the press we keep seeing on Battlestar Galactica are. What if some of them were from trade publications? Or company newsletter writers?

So without further ado, I bring you a crack report from Caprica's Heavy Machinery News on the latest news in the fleet.

Warning - Spoilers of a sort up to 2.6, I guess

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ADAMA ONCE MORE RESTRICTS THE FREEDOM OF THE PRESS
Valuable Heavy Machinery Neglected

By Vulcan, lead reporter

As regular readers of Caprica's Heavy Machinery News will know only too well, this reporter has constantly fought for the rights and freedom of the press on the fleet. Thus it is with a heavy heart that I report to you that for the fourth time Colonel Tigh has refused access to vital information on the state of Galactica’s loading machinery. As most of you are only too aware, there have been constant and distressing rumors of stress loads being ignored, calibrations not routinely checked, and – most shocking of all – couplings being oiled with inferior grease. (As is well known, couplings on Battlestars require Kouros' superior grease to ensure maximum performance.) And an annoymous source tells me that in some cases Pippen’s 2/4 Valves have been substituted for Olythos 2/5 Valves on hydraulic gear. This sort of travesty must end now!

It has long been maintained by this reporter that Chief Tyrol, while perhaps a capable mechanic, is just not up to the job he is now occupying and this sloppy maintenance of the loading machinery is but the visible sign of this. Who knows what other horrors remain to be discovered about the state of the opening mechanisms, the mechanical arms, and other heavy machinery on the Galactica? Oh, there was something about a Cylon girlfriend as well.

But this is not the worst we have to report today! Many of you were very excited by the news that the Phoros was carrying one of the newest models of Hephastion Stone-Crushers. Alas, this unique piece of machinery – the first model with self-adjusting valves and resizable vents- is now lost to the fleet as the Phoros followed President Roslin back to Kobol. Commander Adama’s decision not to pursue those who left has ensured the permanent loss of this valuable and irreplaceable piece of heavy machinery. How will we crush rocks on earth, pray tell? Shockingly, when this reporter mentioned that to Colonel Tigh he was threatened with the brig for wasting military time.

But be not afraid, Vulcan will not be silenced! His hammer will swing once more!