Alexander the Great and his Transylvanian Mum

[lesbiassparrow]

When Oliver Stone is bad, he's very, very bad. Case in point: Alexander. What with Alexander being a world-conquering, alcoholic megalomaniac who slept with many, many people, you would think it wouldn't be possible to make a boring film about him. And you'd be wrong. 

So many things wrong with this film even on the apparently new and improved DVD version (which looks remarkably the same as the one released in cinemas).  I have many questions, but these will have to do for now:

1. Why is Alexander's mum from Transylvania?  Maybe it's the only accent that Jolie can do, but still.

2. Why would anyone follow this man to Persia? I wouldn't follow him 10 feet to the nearest pub even if he was buying.

3. Why is  Alexander's skirt shorter than everyone else's?

4. Why does Oliver Stone hate women?  (There's a lot of 'women suck your life essence' in this film. Of course, that's not helped by the fact that Jolie is channeling Dracula most of the time.)

5. Why does Alexander's mum sometimes have snakes dangling from her and then suddenly magically not?  Where are they going?

Personally, I blame Robin Lane Fox

Comments

[meyerlemon.livejournal.com]

And what about his hair? That really disturbed me.

[lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com]

The hair was startling, wasn't it? It's amazing the Persian archers couldn't just pick him out and kill him off. 'Oh look, just shoot the blond!'

[meyerlemon.livejournal.com]

"Which one?"

"Yeah, the one with the swarthy skin and thick black eyebrows, dumbass."

[lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com]

"And he's got an Irish accent. We're not sure why as his mum is from Eastern Europe, but go with it. And look for the mini-skirt. He thinks they're fashionable."

[cill-ros.livejournal.com]

I knew it was doomed when the first stills were released. I remember Empire magazine had a tag on the one where he's on his horse looking pained: "Right, which fecker said I look like a ponce?"

[lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com]

I did not see that! Now I'm off to see if I can find it online. ;-)

[dangermousie.livejournal.com]

Why would anyone follow this man to Persia? I wouldn't follow him 10 feet to the nearest pub even if he was buying.

I think I love you.

[sutekh.livejournal.com]

His helmet at Gaugamela looked like something you'd wear to give the lads a laugh and add proper merriment to a medieval stag party.

On top of that, Gaugamela was my least favorite of Alex's battles. In fact, outside of the nice bits about Bucephalus-- who embarrassingly up-staged Colin's performance, by the way-- they didn't do one story I liked about Alexander. No, not one.

That movie was crazy bad, yo.

[lesbiassparrow.livejournal.com]

Gaugamela looked like they'd filmed it in a dust bowl. In fact, I predict Oliver Stone's next film will be The Grapes of Wrath II: this time the Joads ain't going quietly.