An Announcment to the Galactica Fleet
Jan. 28th, 2006 02:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lesbiassparrowCaprica's Heavy Machinery News, long known as the premier source of information on heavy machinery throughout the Twelve Colonies and the Galactica Fleet, wishes to announce a new and exciting venture: an Agony Column. As we have long given advice on maintenance of your treasured cogs and wheels, we consider ourselves admirably suited to expand into other areas.
In our inaugural column we deal with the issue of heavy and weighty manpain, but we invite letters dealing with all forms of agony and anguish.
PS. Our last publication “Poppet Valves – not just for the enthusiast” is now sold out. Extra copies are obtainable only by special order.
Dear CHMN,
I have recently lost my will to live and I feel that you are the only person I can talk to; I know we have a deep affinity because I fly heavy machinery and you like it. Perhaps a bit too much. My depression might have arisen because the writers overloaded me with angst, giving me a conflicted relationship with my father, a thwarted desire for a fellow pilot, a (very) hidden love for someone in a high political position, and a conflicted but deep sense of honor. Also, my brother, girlfriend, and mother all died in the destruction of the Twelve Colonies and I feel guilty about that. Recently I have been acting out in curious and novel ways, but this brings only hollow and temporary pleasure. I have also begun to weep single tears in a very disturbing way.
As you are professional repair men, I would appreciate your advice on which of the following I am supposed to/should love:
a. The embattled leader, who may or may not be a prophet, with great legs and a commanding presence
b. The feisty, yet brittle, pilot whose affinity to Artemis makes me both nervous and strangely excited
c. A ho with an endearing moppet
d. The soft inviting voice which leads me home to the Galactica, aka Dee
Yours in great manpain,
‘Sunny’
Dear Sunny,
Reading your letter we are reminded of the time our much loved side-loading industrial clam baker not only developed a crack in its driveshaft but also a slipped fanbelt. Though we are all tough machinist sorts here we are not ashamed to admit that a few tears were shed as we contemplated its demise. Luckily, a little tender care and some replacement parts later we were all set to go and bake clams like never before.
I think the question you need to ask yourself about all of these women is: would she know the difference between a hollow and a semi-curvex gauge pipe? This is a question we at Caprica’s Heavy Machinery News have long posed our girlfriends and boyfriends. While good looks, power, charm, and a winning smile may seem alluring now, do you really want to wake up one morning and find her abusing your heavy machinery? Irreparable damage might ensue! A question like this, however, would soon sort out the women from the girls, and ensure lasting happiness and proper maintenance of all your moving parts.
Yours truly,
Hephaestus
ps. We hear the president has the last remaining operating manual for the Tartarus Steam Pipe Modulator in her possession. Any chance next time you are over on Colonial One you could snag it for us?
pps. No one can like heavy machinery too much. Now, those people with toaster fetishes are something else.
A previous report from CHMN may be found here
In our inaugural column we deal with the issue of heavy and weighty manpain, but we invite letters dealing with all forms of agony and anguish.
PS. Our last publication “Poppet Valves – not just for the enthusiast” is now sold out. Extra copies are obtainable only by special order.
Dear CHMN,
I have recently lost my will to live and I feel that you are the only person I can talk to; I know we have a deep affinity because I fly heavy machinery and you like it. Perhaps a bit too much. My depression might have arisen because the writers overloaded me with angst, giving me a conflicted relationship with my father, a thwarted desire for a fellow pilot, a (very) hidden love for someone in a high political position, and a conflicted but deep sense of honor. Also, my brother, girlfriend, and mother all died in the destruction of the Twelve Colonies and I feel guilty about that. Recently I have been acting out in curious and novel ways, but this brings only hollow and temporary pleasure. I have also begun to weep single tears in a very disturbing way.
As you are professional repair men, I would appreciate your advice on which of the following I am supposed to/should love:
a. The embattled leader, who may or may not be a prophet, with great legs and a commanding presence
b. The feisty, yet brittle, pilot whose affinity to Artemis makes me both nervous and strangely excited
c. A ho with an endearing moppet
d. The soft inviting voice which leads me home to the Galactica, aka Dee
Yours in great manpain,
‘Sunny’
Dear Sunny,
Reading your letter we are reminded of the time our much loved side-loading industrial clam baker not only developed a crack in its driveshaft but also a slipped fanbelt. Though we are all tough machinist sorts here we are not ashamed to admit that a few tears were shed as we contemplated its demise. Luckily, a little tender care and some replacement parts later we were all set to go and bake clams like never before.
I think the question you need to ask yourself about all of these women is: would she know the difference between a hollow and a semi-curvex gauge pipe? This is a question we at Caprica’s Heavy Machinery News have long posed our girlfriends and boyfriends. While good looks, power, charm, and a winning smile may seem alluring now, do you really want to wake up one morning and find her abusing your heavy machinery? Irreparable damage might ensue! A question like this, however, would soon sort out the women from the girls, and ensure lasting happiness and proper maintenance of all your moving parts.
Yours truly,
Hephaestus
ps. We hear the president has the last remaining operating manual for the Tartarus Steam Pipe Modulator in her possession. Any chance next time you are over on Colonial One you could snag it for us?
pps. No one can like heavy machinery too much. Now, those people with toaster fetishes are something else.
A previous report from CHMN may be found here
