The Battle of Marathon, 300 style
Mar. 18th, 2007 05:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lesbiassparrowBecause the Athenians don't get enough love in the 300, I bring you this version of the battle of Marathon written in the style of the 300. Complete with T-Rex.
A huddled assemblage of Athenians looking manly and well-oiled sits on a plain by the sea. In front of them is the assembled Persian army numbering in the billions, with a cavalry made up of wild boar, a T-Rex, assorted animalsimported from Mordor assembled from the vast expanses of the Persian Empire, including a few startled mutant kangaroos.
Random Athenian: Hey, why have they got a T-Rex? That doesn’t seem very fair. Or historically possible.
Random other Athenian: Look, it’s an epic battle of civilizations and you can’t have that without some mutant beast which will prove to be completely useless in battle. And it’s going to end up drowning in the marshes anyway.
Assembled Army: Hooray!!!
In strides Miltiades, general of the Athenians; the most gleaming and oiled person on the scene, he exudes an aura of command, discipline, and olives.
Miltiades: Tell me, why haven’t we invented clothing yet? Or allies? I could totally go for both right now.
Phidippides, who has just come back after running the 150 miles to Sparta.*: We have, it’s just that it doesn’t track well. Nudity sells, baby. Without our semi-naked, fit and lean bodies we’ll never out do those bastards, the Spartans. Oh and by the way, they say that they can’t come to our help, they’re busyoppressing the helots celebrating the Carneia. They did say they’d come after the battle was over and tell us that we hadn’t done a bad job, though.
Some Athenian guy who will survive the battle only to die at 35 of old age: Hey, look at me, I’ve invented the breastplate!
Militiades: That doesn’t seem very Greek, does it? Shouldn’t we thrust our unarmed chests at enemy spears in an act of supreme but photogenic stupidity?
Some Athenian guy: Look, do you want to survive this or not? I fucking want to see my family again and invent democracy so I’m wearing it.
Miltiades: You’ve got a point, mate.
Up rush the Plataeans in the nick of time to be forgotten by history
Plataeans: We’re here! We know that everyone is going to forget that we fought at Marathon and the Spartans will destroy our city, but we still came.
Assembled army: hooray!
Miltiades, immediately forgetting about the Plataeans as people have done ever since: Right, let’s talk about the battle-plan.
Aeschylus (yes, the famous tragedian): Do we rush at them and hope for the best? I like that one.
Miltiades: No, though that’s a good one. But I have an entirely new and original plan that will startle the world. Our wings will advance faster than our centre and we will...envelope the Persians and crush them beneath our mighty bronze shields.
Aeschylus: But how will we manage such technical maneuvers without spending our whole lives in training like the Spartans?
Miltiades: Because we’re not bloody stupid. Everyone knows it takes the Spartans so long to train because the entire state has the intelligence of an addled sparrow.
Aeschylus (awed and stunned by the idea of battle strategy): By Zeus, Miltiades, I think you’ve just invented tactics! To celebrate the moment I am going to write a completely incomprehensible play about it when I get home. It’ll screw students of Greek over for all time.
Assembled army (which has no intention of going to ever see it, no matter how many free tickets get foisted on it): Hooray!
Miltiades: Right, let’s go and ensure that Greece is free for all Greek men! And their boys, too!
Assembled Athenian army: Hooray!
Random Greek woman who somehow has wandered into the scene: You know, something about that doesn’t seem fair.
T-Rex: Rooarrr!
T-Rex stomps on some Persians and then wanders off screen to die pointlessly in a marsh.
Persian army: We’re fucked. They’ve got breastplates and tactics.
The two armies meet in a massive crash, which may or may not be copied from the Lord of the Rings films. Or Gladiator. Or Alexander.
Persian, who in no way is dressed up like some fetishized harem girl: I knew I should have splurged and got the bronze armour. Piece of crap wicker shield.
Persian dies as do many, many others. Corpses pile up, Athenians cut through the assembled hordes, Persians flee leaving behind their make-up sets and scented oils and make for their ships.
Darius, who unhistorically is right there: Screw this! I’m off to conquer India. I bet they appreciate 7 foot high drag queens there.
Aeschylus’ unfamous brother: Whoo-hoo, I’ve just grabbed some Persian ship! This is the best idea ever.
Random Persian: No it isn’t! I’m going to chop your arm off. For Persia!!!!!
Aeschylus’s unfamous brother: Fuck! I am totally going to die of the secondary infection if the blood loss doesn’t get to me.
More Persians die graphically and violently with limbs chopped off and bodies skewered. Greece is saved for democracy and Roman conquest. And Aeschylus’ unfamous brother dies. On the plus side he misses the 10 hour version of The Invention of Tactics: A Tragedy in 3 Parts.
Plataeans: No one is going to remember us, are they?
Athenians: Nope. Sorry about that. Tell you what; we will totally come and help you out when the Spartans besiege you in the Peloponnesian War.
Plataeans: Really?
Athenians: No.
Viewing public: Sod this. We're off to watch the almost naked Spartans rule their fascist city-state.
A huddled assemblage of Athenians looking manly and well-oiled sits on a plain by the sea. In front of them is the assembled Persian army numbering in the billions, with a cavalry made up of wild boar, a T-Rex, assorted animals
Random Athenian: Hey, why have they got a T-Rex? That doesn’t seem very fair. Or historically possible.
Random other Athenian: Look, it’s an epic battle of civilizations and you can’t have that without some mutant beast which will prove to be completely useless in battle. And it’s going to end up drowning in the marshes anyway.
Assembled Army: Hooray!!!
In strides Miltiades, general of the Athenians; the most gleaming and oiled person on the scene, he exudes an aura of command, discipline, and olives.
Miltiades: Tell me, why haven’t we invented clothing yet? Or allies? I could totally go for both right now.
Phidippides, who has just come back after running the 150 miles to Sparta.*: We have, it’s just that it doesn’t track well. Nudity sells, baby. Without our semi-naked, fit and lean bodies we’ll never out do those bastards, the Spartans. Oh and by the way, they say that they can’t come to our help, they’re busy
Some Athenian guy who will survive the battle only to die at 35 of old age: Hey, look at me, I’ve invented the breastplate!
Militiades: That doesn’t seem very Greek, does it? Shouldn’t we thrust our unarmed chests at enemy spears in an act of supreme but photogenic stupidity?
Some Athenian guy: Look, do you want to survive this or not? I fucking want to see my family again and invent democracy so I’m wearing it.
Miltiades: You’ve got a point, mate.
Up rush the Plataeans in the nick of time to be forgotten by history
Plataeans: We’re here! We know that everyone is going to forget that we fought at Marathon and the Spartans will destroy our city, but we still came.
Assembled army: hooray!
Miltiades, immediately forgetting about the Plataeans as people have done ever since: Right, let’s talk about the battle-plan.
Aeschylus (yes, the famous tragedian): Do we rush at them and hope for the best? I like that one.
Miltiades: No, though that’s a good one. But I have an entirely new and original plan that will startle the world. Our wings will advance faster than our centre and we will...envelope the Persians and crush them beneath our mighty bronze shields.
Aeschylus: But how will we manage such technical maneuvers without spending our whole lives in training like the Spartans?
Miltiades: Because we’re not bloody stupid. Everyone knows it takes the Spartans so long to train because the entire state has the intelligence of an addled sparrow.
Aeschylus (awed and stunned by the idea of battle strategy): By Zeus, Miltiades, I think you’ve just invented tactics! To celebrate the moment I am going to write a completely incomprehensible play about it when I get home. It’ll screw students of Greek over for all time.
Assembled army (which has no intention of going to ever see it, no matter how many free tickets get foisted on it): Hooray!
Miltiades: Right, let’s go and ensure that Greece is free for all Greek men! And their boys, too!
Assembled Athenian army: Hooray!
Random Greek woman who somehow has wandered into the scene: You know, something about that doesn’t seem fair.
T-Rex: Rooarrr!
T-Rex stomps on some Persians and then wanders off screen to die pointlessly in a marsh.
Persian army: We’re fucked. They’ve got breastplates and tactics.
The two armies meet in a massive crash, which may or may not be copied from the Lord of the Rings films. Or Gladiator. Or Alexander.
Persian, who in no way is dressed up like some fetishized harem girl: I knew I should have splurged and got the bronze armour. Piece of crap wicker shield.
Persian dies as do many, many others. Corpses pile up, Athenians cut through the assembled hordes, Persians flee leaving behind their make-up sets and scented oils and make for their ships.
Darius, who unhistorically is right there: Screw this! I’m off to conquer India. I bet they appreciate 7 foot high drag queens there.
Aeschylus’ unfamous brother: Whoo-hoo, I’ve just grabbed some Persian ship! This is the best idea ever.
Random Persian: No it isn’t! I’m going to chop your arm off. For Persia!!!!!
Aeschylus’s unfamous brother: Fuck! I am totally going to die of the secondary infection if the blood loss doesn’t get to me.
More Persians die graphically and violently with limbs chopped off and bodies skewered. Greece is saved for democracy and Roman conquest. And Aeschylus’ unfamous brother dies. On the plus side he misses the 10 hour version of The Invention of Tactics: A Tragedy in 3 Parts.
Plataeans: No one is going to remember us, are they?
Athenians: Nope. Sorry about that. Tell you what; we will totally come and help you out when the Spartans besiege you in the Peloponnesian War.
Plataeans: Really?
Athenians: No.
Viewing public: Sod this. We're off to watch the almost naked Spartans rule their fascist city-state.
