Apr. 27th, 2008

lesbiassparrow: (love is never wrong)
To: Stargate Command

From: Stargate Atlantis Mission

1. If there are Evil Space Vampires around be sure to wake them all up. It must be all of them, mind you: waking up a few or even 50% won't have the same effect at all. Maybe go around poking the ones that look like they might be still sleepy with a sharp stick just to be sure.

2. Once you've woken them up be as smug as possible about. Never admit that your initial decision might have been a bad one. This will impress the natives. And if it doesn't, well who cares?

3. Don't ever listen to any advice from the natives. Everyone knows that a few beads and mirrors will buy them and keep them happy. And it's much more fun to cause havoc everywhere you go than to avoid trouble in the first place.

4. Bring Rodney McKay on every mission. (My fourth Ph.D. was on 'ways to be offensive to all living beings!' -RMcK)

5. If you encounter a race of replicating machine things be sure to make an agreement with the nice one, then double cross him, and blow up his people up.

6. Turn the Evil Space Vampires back into humans and then feed them to the remaining Evil Space Vampires. And expect them to be grateful.

7. Be sure to leave no person offended on every planet you visit. Then, once you've offended them, ensure the Evil Space Vampires show up and kill almost everyone. Not everyone, though: that way you can ensure that the few remaining survivors can go around pissing more people off with you on their behalf.

8. Assume that it is your right to rule the galaxy that you've shown up in and gotten half the population killed off in because you naturally know better than everyone. (see also #3 on not listing to native advice.)

9. Try poking things/people/bombs with sticks everywhere you go. When this is objected to, call them ungrateful: if your actions haven't annoyed them, then this will.

10. Betray as many people as you can. Call it being 'rational' and be smug about it. Never apologize. That is a fatal error because people might forgive you.

Love and kisses,

Dr. R. McKay and Colonel J. Sheppard

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